We teach others how to treat us. When we start to give in to another's demands because we fear their reaction, we teach them that they can get whatever they want and do whatever they want to do by simply putting us in the position of fear. This makes us subject to their whims and takes our independence away.
This is something I do struggle with. I do recognize that more often than not I would placate and do as the other person asks/wants simply because I would rather not deal with the confrontation or potential unsavory reaction if I dont. I used to justify me doing so with mentality that "well... .it's not like I care THAT much so whatever" but unfortunately that tends to eventually lead to resentment. The giving in becomes a pattern. The pattern leads to the resentment. Resentment never leads anywhere good.
So, this is a work in progress thing for me. I do think at times I reacted a lot stronger than necessary when things came up because of the history behind it for me. It's gotten better. I think its more about giving myself a second to go through the motions of deciding whether or not it is something I'm comfortable with before reacting/responding.
Have you tried talking to her about it in terms of how you feel? By this, I don't mean that you tell her that you feel a certain way because you are worried about how she might act or what she might do. That would immediately become about her. You statements are bad. I statements are good.
Looking back, this is definitely another kink in things. I did state how I was feeling... .but I peppered it with fear of her actions/reactions. In retrospect I can see how that wasnt very productive at all. Addressing how I feel about something is important, of course, but like you said... .I cant change her actions/reactions. So what was I accomplishing by including them while addressing my feelings... .zero. Makes sense. I think this would be a good thing to practice daily in many situations. Make it a habit.
Yeah, we all make these types of mistakes. Thinking with a Wisemind helps reduce the occurrences though. I've had to learn to step away from the conversation for a moment to regroup when I start to feel myself becoming emotionally aroused. I've spent a lot of time in the bathroom because it was a convenient excuse.
I try to step away when I feel myself start to get worked up. This is something I've learned I need to do for myself regardless of who or what I am dealing with. Giving myself a minute has really become something I live by in tough situations.
Now, here's the thing. I have expressed how important and necessary it is for me to take that second. When she's not dysregulating I am able to ask for that minute and she does give it to me... .sometimes a bit grudgingly but still, she allows me it. When she IS dysregulating its a whole other story. There is no asking for that minute because even asking for it escalates everything on her end. I dont just walk away because I know that is a huge trigger for her and the last thing I want to do is trigger her even further. As for the quality time in the bathroom... .she caught on to that quite some time ago. Couldnt ask for a minute or walk away without making it worse, so I'd voice "I'm not walking away from you I'm just going to the bathroom" -- Worked fine a couple times but eventually she grew wise to it and that too became a trigger.
Now, I really dont have an answer to how I go about getting my minute. So, I sit. Quietly. Hoping that even if I cant physically step back I could at least mentally check out for a sec. I don't think its very effective or productive. I need a new method.
Something to think about, one could interpret this as she told you that "it never will be", and you told her that she was wrong. That could be taken as invalidating. This was one of the hardest lessons that I learned, but it was a huge Thought moment for me when I realized that even when I was trying to be validating, I was being invalidating. I had to learn to Stop Invalidating Others.
Spot on. I do invalidate without meaning to do so. I still need a lot of work in this department. Really appreciate the link. I will be venturing on to it right after my reply.
The only other suggestion that I have for you right now is to not bring up relationship talk. Don't initiate it at all. I get where it seems like a good thing to remind her with words like "I love you. I'm still here for you." etc., but that puts pressure on her already taxed emotions when she's dysregulated. Sometimes it's best to show the love in subtle ways than in large ones. A simple "Hey, how goes it? I'm just checking on you." can be far more productive at showing that you're still there and still care than expressing it outright. It's a lot less pressuring too.
What I highlighted in red... .BINGO. She used those exact words: "I need you to not push me or make me feel pressured into deciding anything!"
Mind you, I hadnt asked anything of her. Rather we were just talking. I was following her lead. Which leads me to agreeing that my more direct approach at showing love and care was too much in the moment.
Yesterdays Events Update:She ended up responding to my text. I was actually quite proud of her response because again it was another show of just how far she has come in really trying to reel this all in. In the past it would have been a cruel text. Almost heartless. This one was warm but still very much so dysregulated. Thats ok. I expected worse. I could work with "warm dysregulation." She stated how she was sorry and she didnt want to hurt me or say hurtful things to me anymore and she just needed to be done. How she hoped I also wouldnt have any interest in saying hurtful things to her. Of course I have no interest in that.
The conversation continued on and I followed her lead. I've read many times on these boards about how its better to "hear the emotion behind the words" rather than the words themselves. And so I gave that a shot. Suddenly it was a lot easier to communicate productively. Not allow the words she was saying to sting but rather try to understand her emotions that were behind them. That statement could not have proven any more accurate: The words DONT matter, they're vessels for the emotions themselves. That's when I really started to understand what had happened.
Discoveries:- She felt I was being deceitful when I didnt immediately tell her something that I had discovered in regards to an on-going situation. That I wasnt forthcoming because I hadnt told her immediately when I found out. From my perspective, I was waiting to verify whether or not it was even something we'd have to be concerned about before mentioning anything. The way I saw it was: if theres nothing to be stressed about, why stress prematurely. Her perspective of it was "whether or not it turned out to be something, I want to know when it happens not after the fact"
I think thats fair. I also realize that I do have a tendency of just handling things on my own. It's not a natural thing for me to immediately think "This is something my partner should know" -- old habits die hard. Growing up how I did I always had me, myself, and I to depend on/count on to problem solve so now that I do have someone who can share those burdens with me, I'm unsure of how to utilize them. Good thing for me to add to my own "Personal Growth" list of things to work on. So, I realized I need to readjust how I think in that sense as well as what she needs from me in order to maintain her own equilibrium. Which in all fairness... .what she needs here is a perfectly fair request.
- She felt invalidated and criticized by how I said what I said about her sleeping. That led to her feeling a whole slew of things I never intended at all: shame, anxiety, wrongfully criticized, not good enough, unappreciated. -- That is one heavy load. None of which I ever intended to make her feel... .but I can certainly understand how it all snowballed for her into that. Here's where I say again: I'll be hitting a few of those lessons on this forum right after this reply.
- When my reaction to her behaving how she did after my comment was essentially to shut down and get quiet (I did say I mentally shut off for a second... and how I know I need a better method) she took it as hostility towards her. On top of all the emotions she was feeling, now she felt I was topping it off with a "Hostility bow" ... .Again, I can put myself in her shoes feeling those emotions and I do get it. It makes sense to me.
- She felt I had become less affectionate recently. Not wanting to touch her or kiss her. This is one I cant entirely agree with. I do agree that pulling my back certainly did take our quite active sex life for a bit of a tailspin... .but it was one week. If I stop and again think of it from her emotional point of view I can argue with myself that this could have been perceived as rejection or withholding affection. Of course that isnt the case but... .I get it.
What came out of these discoveries:She went off to sleep as she had to work the night shift. Shortly after hanging up she called back saying she couldnt sleep. Anxiety flying high. She was crying and I could see she really just wanted relief from all of the feelings going on inside her. While crying she threw an "I hate you so much" in there. I responded with "we dont say that to each other. we agreed that would not be said" (after reading your reply with the "Stop Invalidating" I'm not sure if my response was invalidating? Or, how I intended it, a calm reminder that we agreed thats off limits to say?) She apologized for saying it and asked me to just stop talking. So I did. And I sat with her. Tested the waters occasionally by asking her what I could do to help her get to a calmer state of mind (much less wordy than that). Eventually, she did stop crying and asked me if I'd meet her since she couldnt sleep. I agreed. Nothing about the relationship specifically but rather the things I listed above. As in, no talk of getting back together etc etc. She gave me some good things to work with as far as how I can respond or handle things that come up. Example: when I dont know what to do/say in the moment to help things not escalate she expressed how she'd want me to just ask her. Say "I dont know what to do, what can I do." -- I think thats fair. Maybe even a good replacement for my "mentally checking out" for a second method that, again, does no good.
As it stands now:We are in a good place. I still sense the hesitation. Hot and Warm... .I wont say cold. But definitely Hot and Warm. I have not and dont intend to bring up any talk of the relationship. Rather still just following her lead. So far so good. I really am proud of us. Similar situations in the past would have been so ugly and much more drawn out but I think the bit I have learned so far from being on this forum has helped tremendously. My reactivity isnt what it was the first go of it. I can see she truly is trying on her end as well. That to me is huge and I am so proud of her. I guess its all we really could ask for... .trying. Thats it.
So... .my To-Do List:1. Stop invalidating
2. Continue to "hear the emotion, not the words" -- This one really works!
3. Communication: me, myself, and I is no longer. My GF's request to be clued in on things big or small is sensible.
Any other thoughts or To-Do list recommendations? I am all ears.
So beyond appreciative of all the insight from the whole BPDFam. I have learned so much about myself and my part in the past dysfunction. So much about how to go about things correctly. This site and all of you have proven tremendously invaluable to me.
Skip -- I think I may have addressed your post in this reply as well. I see it 100%. I thank you. Again... .invaluable.
