Co-parenting with pwBPD

[empath]

The background: My h and I are Christians and are trying to raise our kids in the faith. H comes from a very legalistic background with some serious baggage about sexuality. Our older daughter (21) moved out in April to live with her boyfriend after a season of my h's financial drama. Our younger daughter (13) has a few friends who are self-identifying as homosexual or transgender at the moment, and she has been watching Glee on Netflix and YouTube music videos. This makes h very uncomfortable - to me, he says he "doesn't want her to go to hell". 

The situation: A few weeks ago, he decided to 'gently talk' to her about what she was watching. In that conversation, she said that he told her that he was bisexual and that he chose to marry her mom because it was the right thing to do for Christians. (I was out for a little bit during this conversation) She felt compassion for him, but she didn't get the idea that he wanted her not to watch the show.

Then, today, he talked to her again and told her that homosexuality offends him. So, she told me that she was confused and mad about his being offended. She didn't know if he was going to say that she couldn't be friends with her gay friends, and she didn't know if he thought that she might be gay (she isn't). She thought that we as Christians were supposed to love everyone, and maybe it was just his 'generation' that wasn't as open about these things.

A big part of the story in the show is the struggles of kids who are judged for being different and how it affects them.

What was interesting to me about the interactions was that he is offended by something with which he identifies. I think that is part of my daughter's confusion - it doesn't make sense to her. He's also not being direct about what he wants.

How do I help her with this whole thing? I want to encourage her to be healthy and strong in herself.
 

[formflier]

 
Does your husband ever "write out" things?  There has been some... limited... success in my wife writing out things to "clarify" her message.

in the Christian context, I would advise you and your daughter to ask direct and focused questions of your H.  "Thanks Dad... how you you apply Matthew x:y to this situation?"

or... .more broadly... "How does scripture inform your thinking on this issue?"

Also... .very... very important for you to sort through your stance on this, so at least someone is "firm in the faith" on this matter.  I'm not so interested in exactly what you believe, but that it is consistent with Scripture.

I think the worst thing for  teenager (also known as "early lawyers"... ) is to hear (or see) something from Mom and Dad, read something different in the Bible and when they ask about it... they get "shooed away"... or get a hypocritical answer.

For instance... .personally... .I don't see anything in the Bible saying "being" a homosexual is sinful. 

I don't see anything in the Bible saying "being" a heterosexual is sinful. 

The Bible, in my plain reading, addresses sexual activity in or out of the context of marriage.

I don't recall anywhere in the Bible that you are sinful based on "who" you are.

Others may read and interpret differently.  I don't so much have a problem with that, as I do when in one book a person wants to be literal (because it benefits them) and in another chapter "God misspoke" (again... because it benefits them). 

I think Jesus spoke clearly about his feelings on hypocrites.

Last:  I teach my kids the difference in "obedience in action" and "belief".  So... .I will tell them what I believe and why.  Then I tell them they will need to decide for themselves what they believe.  It's ok to believe differently.

When "under my authority", I expect them to follow my rules and my directed actions, unless I'm asking them to do something "immoral" or "sinful".

Really... part of growing up is figuring out when to "take a stand" and when to follow authority.  That's tough when parents are sending two different messages.

FF

[Learn each day]

Oh Empath - I can so relate to you on the co-parenting thing. I find it so much harder to co-parent with a BPDh then to navigate our own marriage. His mistakes - my mistakes - whatever... .The only truly innocent people in a relationship are the children of that relationship! It is so hard! Not sure I can really offer anything as I really struggle with juggling how much influence hubby has on our kids vs. not sabotaging their relationship. For now I am just trying to be the best mom I can and keep our counselor close. Haha

My BPDh and I are both Christians as well. Both pretty conservative but very different in how we relate things. Ex: BPDh has on more then one occasion told our kids that he wishes he could kill all "homos". Later he has no recollection of saying that - no surprise. When my teens talk about it with me I come at it through the love of Christ. Like explaining that ALL sexual immorality is sin outside of marriage. Or that we love liars, gluttons, etc. so why wouldn't we also love homosexuals, transgender, etc.

I think FF is absolutely right. One of the most harmful things we can do for our kids is preach one thing then model something else. Or take a strong stance on something and not support it with scripture. I know it sounds very simplistic but I have a little list of things I ask myself at the end of the day:
Did I show love to my kids as Christ loves me?
Did I show forgiveness to my kids remembering their young hearts?
Did I pray for my kids?
Did I live today in a way that I would want my kids to emulate?
Did I protect them spiritually, physically and emotionally?
I have sought and gotten lots of help over the years with this simple list but it still mostly boils down to this for me.

In the protection part of parenting I have to problem telling my kids that I would rather they not watch a certain program or listen to certain music. (If you feel the show is inappropriate of course) By the teen years I try to go over the merits of something and let them make their own decisions about it.

[empath]

FF,

Does your husband ever "write out" things?  There has been some... limited... success in my wife writing out things to "clarify" her message.

The thing is I do know what he thinks about these things, or at least what he used to think and usually if he is pressed will go back to. We've had many opportunities over the years to discuss it. He doesn't believe having a sexual attraction is sinful of itself, but sexual expression outside a marriage as defined by the Bible is sinful. So, it's not that our beliefs about it are different. Sometimes, his beliefs are circumvented by his feelings or outside pressure or both, and those things can drive his actions and words.

He is very uncomfortable with the level of openness about sexuality that is expressed by young people today and by my daughter's friends. His FOO was repressive about such things, and the church was an added pressure.

I think Jesus spoke clearly about his feelings on hypocrites.

He didn't have 'nice' words for religious hypocrites. That's one of the reasons that I thought it best to start taking her to a different church than where my husband serves as a leader. Ironically, many of the people who attend my church are there because they 'took a stand' against an authority figure.

I have tried to be as consistent as I can be and age appropriately honest about how the kids should think about what is happening at home and with their friends. So, we've talked about many deep topics because they come up in life. I'm also directive when I need to be and will follow through with consequences.

[empath]

LED,

When my teens talk about it with me I come at it through the love of Christ.

Loving God and others is one of my key lenses, too. I think, sometimes, love is misunderstood to mean "good feelings", but it also includes the idea of wanting the best for someone. I briefly mentioned that to my daughter last night.

It is confusing to her when he switches back and forth like he has. I try not to explain his behavior, thoughts or emotions to her - I probably couldn't anyway. He also hasn't been directive in his parenting about it; he just gets all 'victimy' to me about how nobody listens to him.

[formflier]

I tend to be pretty "liberal" (oddly enough) in what I let my kids watch. 

I'm much more strict or "hard" on the "amount" of time they spend watching, than the content itself.

So... let's say sex outside of marriage is depicted on a show they just watch.  My kids are much more "horrified" that I'm going to have "that talk... " with them... ."again"... than try to ban them from watching.

So... .then we walk through "the order of things"... .courtship, engagement, marriage, sex, baby... .  in that order.

Really... .in today's digital world, they are going to watch if they want to.

I do have "filters" for porn at my house, but also realize that, same as above, access is out there and easy.  So, I talk about the downsides and the morality... .and let them make their own choices.

I do "require" boys to ask me first before talking my daughters out.  So far, I've wussed out on trying to be "mean" to them, because I realized daughters actually liked them.

In the context of BPDish relationship, my wife tends to be more "here is the answer" (right or wrong) and I tend to be more "here is the issue"... .you should think about this.

FF