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Author Topic: First Thread My gf wants space after big fight...how long do I give her?  (Read 627 times)
BPGF

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: September 06, 2017, 11:56:45 AM »

Hi Friends! I'm new to the family... .happy to be here! Im hopin to get some help/advice about the woman I love with all my heart & soul!
My BP GF & I have been together off & on for 2 years. It’s been the most toxic & fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. We both love each other tremendously! That said... .The other night I went through her phone…found nudes & txt between her & past lovers…got extremely frustrated & jealous…yelled at her about it…said a lot of regretful things. This is 3 days after she meets my father…the same night comin from a football game she attended me & with my kids…She said she feels violated and hurt needs space. This isn’t the first time I’ve hurt her. We split for eight months... .reconnected three months ago. How long before I contact her? It’s only been a day & I feel sick. I’m guilty & know I’m wrong…I just wanna right my wrong & have her back in my life! Help me... .please.
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BPGF

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2017, 12:02:22 PM »


Hi Friends! I'm new to the family... .happy to be here! Im hopin to get some help/advice about the woman I love with all my heart & soul!
My BP GF & I have been together off & on for 2 years. It’s been the most toxic & fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. We both love each other tremendously! That said... .The other night I went through her phone…found nudes & txt between her & past lovers…got extremely frustrated & jealous…yelled at her about it…said a lot of regretful things. This is 3 days after she meets my father…the same night comin from a football game she attended me & with my kids…She said she feels violated and hurt needs space. This isn’t the first time I’ve hurt her. We split for eight months... .reconnected three months ago. How long before I contact her? It’s only been a day & I feel sick. I’m guilty & know I’m wrong…I just wanna right my wrong & have her back in my life! Help me... .please.
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Skip
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« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2017, 12:08:19 PM »

How long before I contact her? It’s only been a day & I feel sick. I’m guilty & know I’m wrong…I just wanna right my wrong & have her back in my life! Help me... .please.

It's important to stay cool right now and lay low. If you barge in before she has had her space and returned to baseline and sorted matters out, you will make matters worse.

Before you can make anything better, you have to stop making it worse.

So tell us what happened in detail and what you said. Also, did you apologize very clearly? What did you say?

We can help you here. Welcome.
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BPGF

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2017, 12:45:45 PM »

Ummm... .we have a situationship... .and it kills me. We go through times where we see each other often... .love & take care each other thoroughly. But when we fight... .she says we not together & she can do whatever she wants. The fights are normally associated with other men... .is she seein others... .is she sleepin with others? We've had that issue come up plenty of times. She's vague on her past... .just says she use to be out there before she met me. Messed with a lot of guys. So when we fight... .even if we don't... .I'm always weary of her endin up with a dude from her past. Cuz it's happened, smh. We were in a great place when this fight happened... .met my father... .reconnected with my kids. At the football game her phone went off... .and I could see it was a dude. This Guy she claims she has no attraction to... .but they follow, like & Love everything each other does on social media. We met thru social media. I know how she gets down. So I'm suspicious. Especially with me in a place of wantin to be in a relationship. I want someone true & loyal. Quik note: We came back together after an eight month split. She reached out... .said she missed me even though I had hurt her... .wanted to try again. But things had to be on her terms. She wants a relationship... .but she's still hurt & wants to move slow. Well that didn't happen. We back hangin out all the time... .meetin my Dad finally... .it made  me feel like we are together. So when I see the guy on her phone... .I'm crushed. I'm like damn... .is she seein him/plannin to see him? We go to her crib that night. She falls asleep... .I do it... .I go through her phone. Her and this guy have hung out. She expressed how she wish she would have got to suck his **** in the parking lot of there date. Smh. That was last February. When her & I were seeing each other.
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DaddyBear77
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2017, 01:12:54 PM »

Hey BPGF - are you still laying low? Stick with this here for at least a little while before you reach back out.

This detail is great - thank you. There's a history and a pattern here. I'm wondering if you see the same pattern I'm seeing?

Skip asked you another important question - did you apologize very clearly? What did you say?

I heard you say that you both want "a relationship" but this can mean many different things. I then heard you say:
I want someone true & loyal.

Can you elaborate on this a little? What are some of the most important things you want in a relationship?

Spend some time with this question and write your thoughts out here.

And most importantly, stay cool. Lay low. Work here for a little bit.
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2017, 01:22:56 PM »

hi bpgf, and Welcome

it sounds like you are both on a different page regarding the terms of the relationship:

Excerpt
So I'm suspicious. Especially with me in a place of wantin to be in a relationship. I want someone true & loyal.

Excerpt
wanted to try again. But things had to be on her terms. She wants a relationship... .but she's still hurt & wants to move slow. Well that didn't happen.

... .

it made  me feel like we are together.

three months in, in a revived relationship that had an eight month split is a fragile time (how long were you together the first time around?). the honeymoon phase can be good, and youll spend a lot of that time remembering and reminding each other about what you loved. it sounds like youd been spending a lot of that time together (she met your father and reconnected with your kids). i get the sense that you, understandably, took all of this as a sign of increased commitment and investment in the relationship on both ends. three months in is also a stage where pressures, and being on a different page can threaten a relationship. given she has indicated she needs space, i think thats where it stands.

Before you can make anything better, you have to stop making it worse.

your girlfriend is communicating that she needs to build trust in order to establish a relationship. you are suspicious and acting on that suspicion - not a one time thing, but each time that youre looking for a sign of commitment. this isnt building trust. its not providing incentive for her to commit. if she needs space, it is pushing her away.

it will help inform your next steps if you can fill us in on this:

So tell us what happened in detail and what you said. Also, did you apologize very clearly? What did you say?

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Skip
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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2017, 01:35:45 PM »

Don't let fear of another man make you jumpy right now. Stay cool.

Before you can make anything better, you have to stop making it worse.

Skip asked you another important question - did you apologize very clearly? What did you say?

 Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) Help us here.  

What I'd focus on now is what do you want to say to her. She feels violated and in fact, she was.    I understand why you are auditing her phone - I was in a low trust relationship for a sort time - it makes you constantly look for evidence - but this is as violating to the other person as her reaching out to guys is to you.

So, she wants a low commitment relationships and personal freedom/privacy. You want a high commitment relationship and high levels of transparency. This is what she needs space to think about. You are not respecting her values. For you, she is not respecting your values. You are on different pages.

I heard you say that you both want "a relationship" but this can mean many different things. I then heard you say.  Can you elaborate on this a little? What are some of the most important things you want in a relationship?

------ = questions  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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