Conflicted again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone!  It's been a month or so, but it's time for a new thread/update.

My story so far:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310633
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311784
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311785
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311008
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312045
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312119

TL:)R: Crazy summer filled with 911 calls due to suicide threats from uBPDw.  Eventually resulted in DFCS investigating us due to S4's proximity to the whole thing.   I eventually decided to file for divorce.


Well... .

As I mentioned towards the end of the last thread, my dad (who has offered to generously finance a divorce) decided that he wasn't comfortable with the terms laid out by the L I had chosen.  He asked me to find another L.  Meanwhile, I waited for school to start (I'm a college professor) so that I would be able to even visit a L without uBPDw becoming suspicious.  (My initial consultation with the first L is what kick-started the craziness this summer in the first place.)

During the wait, things were going well.  uBPDw was on a new psych med that was proving to be much more effective in handling her depression.  (It's actually an old one she was on throughout much of the early part of our relationship.)  We had a few appointments with a MC that proved effective in helping us communicate.  (He didn't take our insurance, so we had to stop going due to finances.)  Her auto-immune disease got worse and she relied on me more for caregiving.  Basically, for a number of reasons, I decided to put the divorce plans on hold.

Now I'm starting to think about putting them back on the table.  One of the agreements that we had made towards the end of the summer was that if I felt that things were getting out of control emotionally, then I could go to our den for a while until things settled down.  Twice this weekend, I attempted to do this.  And twice, she followed me into the den.

The first time, I felt so completely violated that she would follow me into the room that I broke down in a full-on temper tantrum and eventually curled up into a little ball while she raged at me for 20 min before asking me to leave the house.

The second time, I just calmly walked past her as soon as I realized she was following me again and went to my car.

uBPDw finds my behavior "abusive", as she feels that I am dismissing her feelings when I walk away.


I called a buddy of mine the other night and vented for a bit.  He made a nice analogy I'd like to share.  The ice maker in his freezer isn't very reliable.  It will make ice for a while, but then it will stop working for months at a time.  And then all of a sudden, it will start working again.

When this happens, he doesn't believe that the ice maker is fixed forever and will never stop working again.  In fact, he fully expects that it will stop working again.

[prof]

Hi everyone!  It's been a month or so, but it's time for a new thread/update.

My story so far:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310633
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311784
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311785
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311008
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312045
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312119

TL:)R: Crazy summer filled with 911 calls due to suicide threats from uBPDw.  Eventually resulted in DFCS investigating us due to S4's proximity to the whole thing.   I eventually decided to file for divorce.


Well... .

As I mentioned towards the end of the last thread, my dad (who has offered to generously finance a divorce) decided that he wasn't comfortable with the terms laid out by the L I had chosen.  He asked me to find another L.  Meanwhile, I waited for school to start (I'm a college professor) so that I would be able to even visit a L without uBPDw becoming suspicious.  (My initial consultation with the first L is what kick-started the craziness this summer in the first place.)

During the wait, things were going well.  uBPDw was on a new psych med that was proving to be much more effective in handling her depression.  (It's actually an old one she was on throughout much of the early part of our relationship.)  We had a few appointments with a MC that proved effective in helping us communicate.  (He didn't take our insurance, so we had to stop going due to finances.)  Her auto-immune disease got worse and she relied on me more for caregiving.  Basically, for a number of reasons, I decided to put the divorce plans on hold.

Now I'm starting to think about putting them back on the table.  One of the agreements that we had made towards the end of the summer was that if I felt that things were getting out of control emotionally, then I could go to our den for a while until things settled down.  Twice this weekend, I attempted to do this.  And twice, she followed me into the den.

The first time, I felt so completely violated that she would follow me into the room that I broke down in a full-on temper tantrum and eventually curled up into a little ball while she raged at me for 20 min before asking me to leave the house.

The second time, I just calmly walked past her as soon as I realized she was following me again and went to my car.

uBPDw finds my behavior "abusive", as she feels that I am dismissing her feelings when I walk away.


I called a buddy of mine the other night and vented for a bit.  He made a nice analogy I'd like to share.  The ice maker in his freezer isn't very reliable.  It will make ice for a while, but then it will stop working for months at a time.  And then all of a sudden, it will start working again.

When this happens, he doesn't believe that the ice maker is fixed forever and will never stop working again.  In fact, he fully expects that it will stop working again.

[flourdust]

That's a good analogy. To put it in behavioral conditioning terms, the ice maker (your wife) is giving you variable-interval reinforcement. Every now and then, unpredictably, you get a positive reward -- ice. Or good behavior. It's an effective reinforcer that encourages you to stay and keep trying.

But, as your friend says, the ice maker is going to stay broken. It gives you JUST enough ice to keep you coming back to it with your glass, but not enough to keep your drink cold.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey prof! Welcome back!  It's good(?) to see you again

In all seriousness, I'm glad you posted, because your path is so familiar to me (as I think I've mentioned a few times before  )

Now I'm starting to think about putting [the divorce plans] back on the table.  One of the agreements that we had made towards the end of the summer was that if I felt that things were getting out of control emotionally, then I could go to our den for a while until things settled down.  Twice this weekend, I attempted to do this.  And twice, she followed me into the den.

So how many times did you get ice (alone in the den) before the ice maker broke down this time?

And what other kinds of ice are you getting personally these days? Also, how are you both getting along with managing the care for S4? Are you comfortable with her progress in regards to care for S4?

[prof]

So how many times did you get ice (alone in the den) before the ice maker broke down this time?

Zero times.  Things had been good enough that I never felt the need to request some time in the den until this weekend.

And what other kinds of ice are you getting personally these days?

Lol I think the metaphor is getting in the way too much.  What exactly are you asking?

Also, how are you both getting along with managing the care for S4? Are you comfortable with her progress in regards to care for S4?

She has stepped up quite a bit recently in caring for S4.  It's not quite 50/50 yet, but she's started reading a lot more stories, giving more baths, playing with him more, etc.

We do still have disagreements over parenting, especially discipline.  Most nights, he watches a video right before bedtime as a reward for being good leading up to bedtime (cleaning up his toys, brushing his teeth, etc.).  One night, he was bouncing around the bed and not listening during storytime, so I told him that he wouldn't be watching a video that night.

A few minutes later, uBPDw gave me a call (she was out of town with her dad at the time) and heard S4 crying in the background.  She was angry with me for taking away the video and complained that I always get my way and that my discipline is too harsh.  (I personally feel I'm a pretty chill parent.)

[SamwizeGamgee]

Aside: Watch for those drama triangles when it comes to parenting.  My wife steps in (well intending) very often.  I will say or do something and she often follows up, interrupts, modifies, what I say.  I have figured it out that she is using transferrance to create a victim (the kid) create a persecutor (me) and make herself the rescuer.  I think this happens so that she can carry on her unfinished business from having a verbally abusive father (her FOO) and be the rescuer she needed as a kid.  She can do all this with just one statement too (usually her stepping in to explain the kid, correct me, or reword what she said I meant).  So, keep it in mind while you discipline your kids with and without their mom around.

On topic: Yes, I have enjoyed more days of smooth driving after I learned to navigate and understand BPD. So it seems often that it is superficially "fixed."  Nevertheless, there will always be a BPD time bomb hidden somewhere.  Your ice maker will end up being its old broken self again eventually. 

[prof]

Aside: Watch for those drama triangles when it comes to parenting.  My wife steps in (well intending) very often.  I will say or do something and she often follows up, interrupts, modifies, what I say.  I have figured it out that she is using transferrance to create a victim (the kid) create a persecutor (me) and make herself the rescuer.  I think this happens so that she can carry on her unfinished business from having a verbally abusive father (her FOO) and be the rescuer she needed as a kid.  She can do all this with just one statement too (usually her stepping in to explain the kid, correct me, or reword what she said I meant).  So, keep it in mind while you discipline your kids with and without their mom around.

Interesting.  I see a lot of this with uBPDw.  She's said on multiple occasions that she wants S4 to not have the kind of childhood she did.  In particular, she wants it to be easy for him and not set too many boundaries.


Meanwhile, there's been an interesting development.  This summer, I sent my resume off to a big Silicon Valley company that everyone has heard of merely to appease uBPDw, who was going on about how much she hates it where we live now.

A few days later, I heard back from one of their recruiters and he set up a phone interview.  That went well, and we set up a second interview, this time with one of their programmers who would ask me a computer programming question.

That interview was the other day, and I heard from the recruiter yesterday that it went well enough they want me to travel out there for an on-site interview... . I'm a little shocked, as I have zero professional CS experience.  (My PhD is in math.)  I do program open-source stuff a fair amount in my spare time.

uBPDw is extremely excited.  (We had sex for the first time in months .)  I'm pretty excited, too.  I love academia, but a high paying Silicon Valley job sounds pretty nice too.  So we'll see what happens.

Random question unrelated to BPD... . I'll certainly have to miss a couple days of class to fly out there.  What should I tell my department chair?  I certainly don't want to be completely honest, but I don't really want to lie either.  "I'm giving a talk in California -- can someone cover my classes while I'm gone?," is kind of what I'm thinking of saying right now.

[flourdust]

Prof - from one academic to another, this is what mysterious illnesses are for. Also, if you can arrange a guest speaker to fill in, that will make it even easier for chair to not think about it.   

Regarding the interview... .

Well you can't turn down a job that hasn't been offered, so it might all come to nothing. If you do get a tempting offer, this presents more challenges than normal. Changing locations like this can destabilize someone with BPD even more than they normally are. It can put you in a situation where you are cut off from the social support structure you're used to. It can make custody issues really tricky if you divorce. Think about if getting this offer could actually create more problems than it solves.

[DaddyBear77]

You're going to laugh, but about 3 years ago I had also just spoken with a divorce attorney and was seriously considering filing. Then, I got recruited by perhaps the same company you're speaking with. I had the two phone interviews and did the trip to CA. I said to my therapist at the time, "what horrible timing, huh?" and she said "Look, do what YOU want to do. Make sure this is something YOU want, and then let the other decisions come as they will."

In regards to your current job, I'd suggest you NOT  say anything that would be considered a lie, dishonest, or unethical. But WOULD do whatever it takes to get coverage for myself and tell them I need to make a trip for personal reasons. That's essentially what I did when it happened for me.

And yeah, that night that I got the interview was a happy night with my wife, indeed.

[GaGrl]

I've been in Talent Management for a long time. What I'd advise is to use the "taking care of personal business" card - you should have Paid Time Off days for that type of thing. The other option, which is more forthright, is to say you are consulting with a firm in Silicon Valley... .keep it general, indicate you don't know where it might lead. Most profs have opportunities that arise for consulting outside the university, so it should be no big deal.

[flourdust]

I've been in Talent Management for a long time. What I'd advise is to use the "taking care of personal business" card - you should have Paid Time Off days for that type of thing. The other option, which is more forthright, is to say you are consulting with a firm in Silicon Valley... .keep it general, indicate you don't know where it might lead. Most profs have opportunities that arise for consulting outside the university, so it should be no big deal.

It doesn't really work that way for faculty. You can't just take time off when you are scheduled to teach.

[GaGrl]

My academic experience must have been different... .there were relatively frequent times when arrangements were made for a guest lecturer for a session of two. You might want to contact someone in admin rather than starting with your department... .they are notorious for not understanding employment law.

[GaGrl]

Also, have it asked about the possibility of the level of interview being conducted via telepresence? You would then know if they ask you to travel for a subsequent interview that it is very, very serious. You should travel only for a face-to-facw interview at the VP or SVP level.

[prof]

Thanks everyone for your replies!  My department is very small, and my chair is very likely to be the one filling in for most of my classes!  I think I'll keep it pretty general as Gagrl suggested.


Interesting note I learned today:  uBPDw apparently had considered that I might have NPD.  She joined an online support group and everything.

She told me that as she's been reading everyone's stories, it's become very clear to her that it is not what I have.

I told her to join an ASD support group, since that's my actual diagnosis!

[SamwizeGamgee]

Funny.  You devil. 
I get a laugh when I think about a time I tried to explain projection without using that word.  I was trying to have my wife see that she assumed I was feeling the way she decided I was feeling, and putting words in my mouth, and generally projecting things onto me.  She stopped, got wide eyed, and said "that's what you do!"
Projecting the projection!

I kind of wish my wife would spend some time looking for therapy and support groups, but then again, maybe not.