Need some suggestions for a threatening BPD

[BMD15]

I'm terrified. I've been dating a person for maybe 2-3 months who I am starting to realize has BPD. I wasn't interested to begin with and he doesn't see, to accept that. He has abandonment problems that he realizes. But the two times I've tried to break up, I've been faced with threats --either sending personal/explicit photos that we've shared or texts or non-specific threats. They haven't been violent, and he always apologizes profusely and says "he has never harmed anyone or would ever do that". He has a way of twisting my break up with him to be my fault- calling me crazy or manipulative. The problem is I have OCD and anxiety, so these two worlds are colliding and I have no idea what to do. He doesn't know where I live, but he does know where I work.

We've only hung out about 3 times - but we were texting a lot when we first met- so I'm not sure I understand his infatuation, but I'm scared. We were intending on a grabbing a drink Monday - my intention was to show that I wasn't manipulating or lying to him but I realize that it's a feedback loop - I am manipulating myself. What do I do now? Do I accept there will be rage and anger if I break up or do I see him in person in a public setting and have a congenial conversation followed by a "this isn't working for me."

I'm just confused but I know he is a person and I'm trying to be delicate.

[BMD15]

Specifically is the grey rock or no contact rule in effect here for me? What would work better?

[Tattered Heart]

Just to be clear, you positively want to end this relationship or are you looking for a way to help it work out?

[BMD15]

Just to be clear, you positively want to end this relationship or are you looking for a way to help it work out?

I positively want to end. This may be the wrong forum (I didn't know how to move it), but I have severe anxiety issues and I know this won't work for me. It's causing me distress, even when he apologies over and over that he'd never "actually" do anything to hurt me. 

[Tattered Heart]

I'll get you moved to the right board. 

[BMD15]

I've been casually dating someone for the past three months who I come to realize has BPD- but doesn't know it. It was fun in the beginning but then he became somewhat overly infatuated  by me so when I tried to end it he threatened blackmail on two different occasions (lessons learned to never send sexy photos to someone you don't quite know well
enough!) I happen to have anxiety problems myself so this is already an unhealthy situation and we're not even in a relationship. He's actually never been in one and has faced rejection many times so I'm trying to recognize him as a human and both of us as flawed people. Any suggestions for how to wean him off? Every time I try to say it won't work he sobs and explains how great things were before the threats. Should I go No contact and risk his blackmail or grey rock? I'm really desperate and nervous

[Tattered Heart]

I think your best bet is to just be honest with him. He may feel hurt, but at least your feelings will be clear and well known. Once you break things off, it may be best to go NC. If you allow him to continue messaging you or contacting you that will give him little glimmers of hope that things could reignite.

You will not be able to get him to see that you are not manipulating him if he does not want to hear it. pwBPD feel a lot of rejection and will do and say anything to get you to not reject them. If he has seen that telling you that you are being manipulative has stopped the breakup in the past, he will try it again because it worked. You don't even have to meet with him face to face. YOu could do so on the phone. And if he starts to be mean about things, then you can just hang the phone up.

[Tattered Heart]

I've been casually dating someone for the past three months who I come to realize has BPD- but doesn't know it. It was fun in the beginning but then he became somewhat overly infatuated  by me so when I tried to end it he threatened blackmail on two different occasions (lessons learned to never send sexy photos to someone you don't quite know well
enough!) I happen to have anxiety problems myself so this is already an unhealthy situation and we're not even in a relationship. He's actually never been in one and has faced rejection many times so I'm trying to recognize him as a human and both of us as flawed people. Any suggestions for how to wean him off? Every time I try to say it won't work he sobs and explains how great things were before the threats. Should I go No contact and risk his blackmail or grey rock? I'm really desperate and nervous

He might share these photos with other people. IT will probably be embarrassing. If you know the people he might share them with you can try to tell them about it ahead of time. People make mistakes. Not sure if it will be co-workers or friends or family who might see them, but the conversation might go something like this:

"I just broke up with (name). I am embarrassed to tell you, but I sent him some sexy pictures. He threatened to share them with other people if I broke up with him. I just want you to know I'm sorry that I took these photos and I want to warn you that he might send them to you." Personally I think most people would support you and protect you if he were to share them.

[BMD15]

He might share these photos with other people. IT will probably be embarrassing. If you know the people he might share them with you can try to tell them about it ahead of time. People make mistakes. Not sure if it will be co-workers or friends or family who might see them, but the conversation might go something like this:

"I just broke up with (name). I am embarrassed to tell you, but I sent him some sexy pictures. He threatened to share them with other people if I broke up with him. I just want you to know I'm sorry that I took these photos and I want to warn you that he might send them to you." Personally I think most people would support you and protect you if he were to share them.

Thanks-  to complicate the situation - he has been away on vacation and we had a kind of NC agreement while he was away- i just needed a pause from the volatility. He is expecting us to get together for a drink on Monday (at a public setting). Do I go forward with this? Or, is it best to own up to it? I'm concerned he will go off on me and say I'm a liar and it'll escalate. Or will that time together on Monday give him the wrong impression?

This has been so draining - and it's only been a casual dating relationship!

[BMD15]

Any thoughts?

[flourdust]

It's likely there's going to be drama no matter how you break up with him, so you might as well do it in whatever manner best fits your needs - whether that's to feel safe, be compassionate, cut off contact... .it's your choice. He may or may not follow through on his threats, but you can prepare for them as suggested above. Right now, you are letting fear control your actions - common in BPD relationships. If you are able to put that fear aside as a mental exercise, what do you want to do?

[BMD15]

In the absence of fear? I would want to go no contact . As an overly caring person I'd want to check to make sure he was at least okay - especially to see if he got out of Florida from the hurricane. But again I realize that's probably not helpfil

[flourdust]

In the absence of fear? I would want to go no contact . As an overly caring person I'd want to check to make sure he was at least okay - especially to see if he got out of Florida from the hurricane. But again I realize that's probably not helpfil

Then it sounds like you've got your options laid out for you. Go NC now, or reach out to see if he's OK, then detach.

[BMD15]

Then it sounds like you've got your options laid out for you. Go NC now, or reach out to see if he's OK, then detach.

How do you detach? It seems like just any message or indication to a pwBPD could send the wrong message?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi BMD15 and Welcome! 

It looks like you've received some good advice to get you started here.  Knowing what to do for the best is difficult when leaving a BPD r/s.  In reality there is no flawless way that won't cause a reaction, so think about what makes YOU most comfortable here.  Should you feel too anxious about meeting, call it off.  Try not to let guilt control your decisions or you will become an easy target for recycle.  From what you describe it seems you have made a firm decision to exit, so that's what we'll focus on helping with for now.  There is an old archived article here which may be of help to you.  It goes into guilt quite a bit, so I felt it might be useful to you.  Here's the link. 

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a125.htm

Ultimately, stick to your aim and be clear.  Some of the above article may cover things you've already been doing, so concentrate on what you can do now.  Let us know what you decide and we can guide you through the process.

Love and light x

[flourdust]

How do you detach? It seems like just any message or indication to a pwBPD could send the wrong message?

I agree with what Harley says. You can't make him happy by breaking off the relationship (this is usually true, even when personality disorders aren't a factor). So, you end up holding yourself hostage to his feelings.

[Frankee]

First of, I want to applaud you for finding the strength to recognize that this is not a healthy situation and taking the steps to find a safe way to break it off.

From countless stories I've heard and even experiencing it myself, is that, the nonBPD person doesn't see the symptoms until later on once their BPD significant other has become comfortable to express themselves without filters.  Honestly, if my BPD spouse had exhibited the things you are talking about in the very beginning... oh hell no... I would take of running as fast as I could in the other direction. 

It is probably best to be honest and 100% blunt.  Do not let the threats scare you into staying with him or trying to "work it out".  But I agree, that no matter how you break it off, you will get a reaction just because you are rejecting him.  It seems that if you are not completely straight up with your feelings about it not working out, he can easily twist your words against you and may even trying to cling on to any sort of hanging hope he can translate out of it.  It may sound cold hearted, but I personally wouldn't check in on him.  What may seem like an innocent gesture because he is a human being, will be stored away into his memory bank and use it on you like a vice to wring any sort of guilt out about leaving him.  It will send him mixed signals if you show worry or care about his well being and then try to tell him it's over and you are done.

It all comes down to your choice though.  Everyone has provided their opinion and suggestions, but you need to really think about what you are comfortable with doing.  Just remember, he will guilt the hell out of you, he will threaten to do horrible things, may even threaten to kill himself... but remember that you are not responsible for what he does after you leave.  You have to save yourself, there is no saving this person.  His is clearly not in the mindset of even wanting to get help for his behavior, he just wants to manipulate you into not leaving him... do not fall for it.

I wish the best of luck and I know you are strong enough to make it through.

[hurting300]

Um? Why don't you call the police?

[Angel3287]

I'm so sorry to hear this but here's my advice:

The man you are dealing with is essentially an addict and whatever you are providing for him, from his perspective, is worth latching onto you for - even with intimidation.

The object should be to a)slowly become "unappetizing" and reduce the "high" he is getting from you and b) maintain strict boundaries.

Since he is aggressive and threatening, I'd say it's unwise to go totally NC at first if he knows a place where he can find you (i.e. your job).

I would suggest slowly but steadily becoming less appealing. How?

- Become more energetically/emotionally detached (i.e. grey rock)
- Become unappealing in unpredictable ways (gives them lack of control)

When he becomes bored or feels he is unable to control you, he will move on his own accord. Then the firewall should come up ASAP!

Good Luck!

[mevz]

I positively want to end. This may be the wrong forum (I didn't know how to move it), but I have severe anxiety issues and I know this won't work for me. It's causing me distress, even when he apologies over and over that he'd never "actually" do anything to hurt me. 

Hi,

I have felt the need to write a post after quite a while because I can totally relate to you.

I know you are looking for a way out without having to face any fallout or embarrassment based on what he has on you. I wish I could give you a magical solution but it doesn't exist. That's the price you will have to pay for being in a relationship with a BPD.

My BPDex and I we're in a "secret" relationship as it was outside our cultural norms. We were together for 16 months. For the last 8 months of our relationship, any time I went against his wishes or tried to break up with him, he would threaten to "expose" me in front of my family and our common friends. The emotional abuse was daily and uncontrollable. Half the time I stayed with him because I thought I was in love with him and no one could understand me better than him. But the rest of the time it was through compulsion and fear, with his tears, threats, use of brute force, you name it.

He would pick up his cell and dial my family or friends' numbers threatening to expose me each time. And when he calmed down, he would say that both of us knew his threats were empty ones. But there's just so many times you can deal with this.

Last September the threats got out of control... .he started dating another girl while holding on to me too, and finally I couldn't deal with my own crazy behavior so I told him I was done. Even though we weren't a couple, he insisted I stay in his life as his "best friend." When I told him I couldn't do that, his threats of exposing me got so out of control that I had to confide in a friend about what was going on. She had thought we were just friends up to this point. Even she wasn't able to get through to him, though he was good friends with her. So finally I went and told my family myself and dealt with the fall out. Which was pretty bad. But there was no other way out.

My point is, you can take it only till a certain point and then you just have to push back, no matter how awful what he has on you is. Because otherwise, he will have this power over you forever. Now that I am out of the relationship and I've been NC for 11 months, I feel so much stronger. Mainly coz he painted me black and frankly I feel he lost all interest in me. I had served my purpose and was of no use to him. Yet the thought of seeing him or being in any form of contact with him still makes me weak at the knees with fear.

I tried to hold on to our mutual friend but other circumstances showed me that she wasn't a true friend to me, so I left them all behind and made new friends. Very difficult when you are 37, but I did it! In a way, I literally had to rebuild my life and I am much stronger for it.

Last year at this time I was at my very worst... threatened and emotionally abused and thinking that everything was okay. The gas lighting and the switch on switch off seemed normal and I was grateful for having that abusive man in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Being answerable for my every move, not being able to meet any friends without his permission, the list goes on and on. What a difference a year makes. I'm not healed but I'm getting there.

Be strong, do what you need to do and know that we will be here to lend you the support you need. The hard part is yours to do though. All the best to you.

[BMD15]

Wow, such helpful responses. Of course, I saw this after yesterday :-)

Update: We did go out for a drink. He said he was also dating other people, still interested in me, but I'm relieved to hear his eggs aren't in one basket. It's so difficult for me to break things off (regardless of BPD)... .I'm going for grey rock method. I've told him to start seeing other people - that I don't think this is what I want. He even made a joke about his "threat" of exposing the photos, reiterating it would never happen. I can see how one can be so easily manipulative. he was super charming, the person that I enjoyed meeting the first time. I know it won't work out though - in fact an ex of mine have reignited a bit probably because of this experience.  I'm keeping that out of it, cause I don't want him going after my ex.

Still need your strength to move forward. He's a good person deep down.