How do you show support while also making sure they know the full truth?

[228kk]

Hi guys. I have been on this site before but lucky my gf with BPD and I have been REALLY good lately, which is a good thing! But today an issue came up today that cause a big blowout fight. I won't bore you with details but basically we're 21 doing long distance. She's in the military and we see each other most weekends. Not all. But she doesn't know she has BPD but I've done plenty of research and she hits every single one of the signs and symptoms. So I guess my questions are:
1. I'm an extremely sensitive girl. I know a lot of what she says is just projections about her own self esteem issues, but I still can't help but hurt. Like it really hurts some of the things she says. ":)rive off a cliff" like that hurts. How do you keep this kind of stuff from hurting you?
2. How do you show support while also making sure they know the full truth? For example, our fight today basically was because she talks about going to college after he military which I am 100% on board with. But she's under an illusion that she's joining a sorority and drinking every night and getting the full college experience. So I mentioned that (I'm a senior in college so maybe I have some experience in the "full college experience" I didn't say that but I'll say it for you guys for context) college isn't all fun and games and that it can be really freaking hard. It was misconstrued for me not being supportive and a wholllllle blow out fight happened. Any ideas on how maybe to handle this?
3. Really any tips or tricks are greatly appreciated. We've been together for a year and I'm trying to help her but it's hard when all she thinks is the issue is her job and anxiety.

Thanks!

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[Meili]

 

I too am a highly sensitive person, and I struggled for a long time with not taking it personally and hurt that I felt. All of that changed when I started to learn to Listen with Empathy. When I stopped listening to my x's words and started paying attention to the feelings that she was conveying. It was much easier because it wasn't about me at that point, it was about her. When she would say things like "You're not a real man" because I told her that I was not going to tolerate her treatment anymore, I used to feel the sting of the words. But, when I started to understand that she was projecting her shame about how she was treating me onto me rather than dealing with her own emotions.

Truth can be a bit trickier because what is true for one person may not be true for another. Your example about partying and college is a great one. I know people who partied throughout their entire college career. In fact, that's was their entire goal in college (my x being one of the people). So, while it is true for most, it is not true for all. Now, all of that isn't to say that you were wrong. It is to point out why truth is so tricky.

That being said, there are communication tools to help convey what we want to say. In the lesson Communicate - Listen and Be Heard, we discuss several communication techniques to achieve the goal. SET and DEARMAN being the two most prevalent.

When you were telling her that school is really not what we see in the movies (i.e. a big party), how did that conversation go?

[JoeBPD81]

Hi 228kk

we can't become bulletproff, do we want that? Our vulnerability is also part of what we are. Sometimes there is a price to pay for that.

Some weeks ago, it was a good day, I came to the living room and asked if I could do something to help, as in cleaning, groceries... .And she answered, out of nowhere "shoot yourself", I was speechless and I had to go to my room and cry, even though I am a big man, and I know she doesn't mean it at all. It takes a toll to be aware all the time, and we can't be unbreakable all day. She came after me and she was very ashamed of what she had said, and she tried to comfort me.

I understand you are trying to protect her by not letting her get her hopes so up that she will be hurt later. They don't take that well. At least not my GF. She doesn't think I'm being nice, she thinks I judge that she is crazy and she can't take the same blows as sane people, her family is always treating her like unpredictable, and weird and fragile... .And they use that to keep her out of the loop and lie to her a lot. So, if I try to protect her, she lives that memory of her family and suspects the worse.

As Meili says, it's often a matter of listening to what is happening behind the words. I find that we have to manage, emotionaly, both a child and an adult, and when we treat like an adult her child parts, she gets confused and angry, and when we treat like a child her parts that are adult (or want to be adult), she gets offended. And it is not easy at all to know when is what.

I often even talk to my kids as adults, and she tells me off. She says "you were born an adult".

One thing you can work on is accepting that these fights will come, one day or another, and we have them and we keep on. It's part of life. Improving doesn't mean a steady road.

[Tattered Heart]

When I stopped listening to my x's words and started paying attention to the feelings that she was conveying. It was much easier because it wasn't about me at that point, it was about her. When she would say things like "You're not a real man" because I told her that I was not going to tolerate her treatment anymore, I used to feel the sting of the words. But, when I started to understand that she was projecting her shame about how she was treating me onto me rather than dealing with her own emotions.

Welcome back 228kk,

I'd like to second what Meili said. I've learned that it really isn't about the words my H uses. He will say one thing today and then say the exact opposite thing tomorrow. He gets these grand ideas, but will either never follow through or forgets that he had even talked about it at all. Your gf may be looking at college as a new and exciting adventure that she's seen on TV and wants her experience to be just like that--at least for today.

You don't have to agree with her on anything she says about her college dreams. But validating what she is expressing would take you a long way. So she has these ideas about partying hard and making new BFFs in a sorority. Just saying something like, "That sounds adventurous." (Don't say it sarcastically  ) could help her feel listened to.

I'd also encourage you to keep posting even when things are going well. If you can post, read more info,  and help others in a relationship when things are calm, then you'll be able to take time to absorb in this information. The communication skills in our workshops are not just for times when things are hectic, but for all times and all situations.

[waverider]

When stating the "truth" keep it your truth, not telling someone what theirs is, or will be.  eg "I found college was a lot of serious hard work, and letting my hair down now and then really helped ease the burden, but it wasn't fun and games all the time". As opposed to "you will have to work hard and you wont be partying all the time".

As soon as you start telling someone what they can, or cannot, do it triggers a defensive response and their ears shut down and they go into push back mode. A lot of it is about you getting YOUR truth out, rather than convincing someone else that your truth is also someone else's truth. If someone else wishes to remain naive and delusional that is for them to experience and come to terms with.

[BowlOfPetunias]

"So I mentioned that (I'm a senior in college so maybe I have some experience in the "full college experience" I didn't say that but I'll say it for you guys for context) college isn't all fun and games and that it can be really freaking hard. It was misconstrued for me not being supportive and a wholllllle blow out fight happened."

This reminds me of a fight back when our son was still an infant.  The background was that my wife writes plays and she was always blaming me for her not having enough time to write.  For example, she would decide to direct two plays at once and then get angry at me because she was not getting any writing done.  One morning, she started talking to me about her plans to write a nonfiction book about another playwright.  Trying to support her, I tried to explain that this would take a lot of time and energy away from her play writing.  She blew up--Oh, so I didn't think she was good enough to write a scholarly book, huh?  I thought I was so much better because I had written a doctoral dissertation and was working on getting it published, did I?  I kept trying to explain that I was trying to support her play writing, but it went on and on.

This happened to be Mother's Day (2003 or 2004).  She announced during the fight that she was going to make breakfast.  While cooking, of course, she had a fit about why should she be cooking breakfast on Mother's Day!

Oh, and this happened to be the weekend that one of her friends was visiting.

 

[228kk]

All of it is just so exhausting. I'm never right. I've mentioned on multiple occasions that the verbal abuse I get is not ok and every time she finds some sort of excuse to justify it. And I take her excuses as valid! Why do I do that?

[Meili]

Yeah, it is all exhausting. 

It can get better though. I've seen it happen. It's happened in my own life. Have you watched the video on Ending Conflict? You have to stop allowing things to get worse before they can get better.

[228kk]

No I haven't but I'll give it a look. Two more questions. 1. How would you go about telling someone they may have BPD and 2. When is the final line for the verbal abuse

[waverider]

No I haven't but I'll give it a look. Two more questions. 1. How would you go about telling someone they may have BPD and 2. When is the final line for the verbal abuse

There are a few topics on whether to tell someone they have BPD or not. It doesn't always go well, an example
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=119412.0

The line for abuse is what makes you feel bad,. The real question is how do you define your boundaries, enact them and ensure you are not further exposed to it. This is the hard bit as we often substitute boundaries for unenforceable demands.

[Meili]

To expand a bit on what waverider said, boundaries about protecting your core values. Core values are the fundamental beliefs that dictate our behavior. When we are talking about Setting Boundaries we are talking about protecting the guiding principals in our lives.

A lot of people confuse boundaries with limits/rules/regulations/laws/etc. "If you scream at me, I'll leave." Action we do not like = consequence. While it's true that the actions may push against a boundary, not every action does so. Does that make sense?

So, when waverider asked about your boundaries, he was asking about your core beliefs; if you have not, how are you going to communicate them; and what happens if someone crosses them?