manipulating around the grandchildren

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, A new grandchild was just born.  Our son's SO is the person with BPD.  We haven't had problems having a relationship with their first child.  In fact, the first child was with us for three different "sleepovers" in the week before the new baby was born.  The night before they went to the hospital, when we dropped him off, our child and his SO were in a huge fight.  Also the SO saw a picture of our grandchild on a swing (when he was with us) and expressed angrily to my husband that he was in danger.  (He wasn't.)   The SO's mother was arriving, there was food to be put away, and things were very chaotic.  We helped them pick up some food for dinner and then left.  When they went to the hospital, pretty much all communication shut off.  Fortunately we have our own relationship with the other mother and the SO's best friend, who was at the hospital, so we were able to keep up with what was going on.  The baby was born on three days ago.  We have not seen the baby yet.  Our son (my stepson, blended family for >25 years) did not call his dad or communicate in any way until 24 hours after the baby was born.  We were told that they weren't having anyone visit at the hospital, and that we would see the baby "sometime this weekend." Our son's mother (my husband's ex) hasn't seen the baby either.  She is in from out of town and may end up going back home without seeing the baby. It seems to me that our son has given up and given in to his wife's threats and demands, so that his wife has now at least temporarily succeeded in isolating him from his family.    Their first baby was a stillbirth and since then she has been worse.  She projected onto our son's younger brother and his wife (who had a healthy baby within a couple of weeks of the stillbirth) that somehow they were the "bad guys" (though they had done nothing but have a healthy baby) and has made it hard on our son when he attempts to see his brother.  She will not allow their names to be spoken in her house, and our son asked us not to Facetime with his son and our other grandchildren who are out of town because "now he's old enough to talk about it and that just wouldn't work."  In fact, our son's brother and family were in town visiting for two weeks this summer, and neither the brothers or the little cousins saw each other.  According to our son, he "just couldn't do it because she is almost ready to give birth and it would cause too many problems."  My husband was raised in a family where the cousins were close, just like brothers and sisters, so this is very hurtful to him.  One of the things we are saddest about is that over the last 4 years, our son has been pulled so far into Oz.  The combination of the realities of that visit, followed almost immediately by the realities of the birth this week are extremely hurtful to my husband.  It is somewhat hurtful to me, but it is not nearly what my husband is suffering.  Mainly my upset is around what is happening to him.  I already was familiar with Stop Walking on Eggshells, so I have thought that our son's wife had high functioning BPD for a long time, and actually have a good relationship with her because I have followed some of the steps.  However, I am not a blood relative in our son's family system, and they are the ones who are getting the "bad guy" label and the exclusion.  Does someone out there have any experience with this kind of situation? 

[Oceanbeach]

Hi, A new grandchild was just born.  Our son's SO is the person with BPD.  We haven't had problems having a relationship with their first child.  In fact, the first child was with us for three different "sleepovers" in the week before the new baby was born.  The night before they went to the hospital, when we dropped him off, our child and his SO were in a huge fight.  Also the SO saw a picture of our grandchild on a swing (when he was with us) and expressed angrily to my husband that he was in danger.  (He wasn't.)   The SO's mother was arriving, there was food to be put away, and things were very chaotic.  We helped them pick up some food for dinner and then left.  When they went to the hospital, pretty much all communication shut off.  Fortunately we have our own relationship with the other mother and the SO's best friend, who was at the hospital, so we were able to keep up with what was going on.  The baby was born on three days ago.  We have not seen the baby yet.  Our son (my stepson, blended family for >25 years) did not call his dad or communicate in any way until 24 hours after the baby was born.  We were told that they weren't having anyone visit at the hospital, and that we would see the baby "sometime this weekend." Our son's mother (my husband's ex) hasn't seen the baby either.  She is in from out of town and may end up going back home without seeing the baby. It seems to me that our son has given up and given in to his wife's threats and demands, so that his wife has now at least temporarily succeeded in isolating him from his family.    Their first baby was a stillbirth and since then she has been worse.  She projected onto our son's younger brother and his wife (who had a healthy baby within a couple of weeks of the stillbirth) that somehow they were the "bad guys" (though they had done nothing but have a healthy baby) and has made it hard on our son when he attempts to see his brother.  She will not allow their names to be spoken in her house, and our son asked us not to Facetime with his son and our other grandchildren who are out of town because "now he's old enough to talk about it and that just wouldn't work."  In fact, our son's brother and family were in town visiting for two weeks this summer, and neither the brothers or the little cousins saw each other.  According to our son, he "just couldn't do it because she is almost ready to give birth and it would cause too many problems."  My husband was raised in a family where the cousins were close, just like brothers and sisters, so this is very hurtful to him.  One of the things we are saddest about is that over the last 4 years, our son has been pulled so far into Oz.  The combination of the realities of that visit, followed almost immediately by the realities of the birth this week are extremely hurtful to my husband.  It is somewhat hurtful to me, but it is not nearly what my husband is suffering.  Mainly my upset is around what is happening to him.  I already was familiar with Stop Walking on Eggshells, so I have thought that our son's wife had high functioning BPD for a long time, and actually have a good relationship with her because I have followed some of the steps.  However, I am not a blood relative in our son's family system, and they are the ones who are getting the "bad guy" label and the exclusion.  Does someone out there have any experience with this kind of situation? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Oceanbeach! 

So glad you've come to join us and to share your heartfelt story. You've come to the right place.

Such a wonderful time, welcoming a new baby! Congratulations!  Yet I can certainly understand the heart ache from the projections and withdrawing. Oh how very hard and heart wounding this is! I am glad that you've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and that it has been helpful to you. Do you think your DH will read it too? Have either of you thought about finding a T who is familiar with BPD and getting some help as you continue to walk on this tough journey? It is never easy, and it is so complicated. I'm going to post a couple of links for you to take a look at. It sounds as if your son is triangulating with his SO, perhaps out of necessity, and that is causing you all extra heartache on top of not being able to see this little one.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

There are many other members on the C&H board who also are grandparents dealing with issues similiar to those you have posted. Please take time to read as much as you can, and also to continue to post. This board is a safe place, and we encourage you to enter in to asking questions, posting responses, and sharing as you have struggles so that others may join in to help you. I've found so much help as I've posted and had listening ears and hearts to walk along side of me.

Let me know what you think about the links!

 
Wools

[Fie]

Hello Oceanbeach 

How are you doing now ?