Hi vancityadd
it is a frustrating experience, to say the least. You want to help, you care, you make a lot of efforts... .And somehow everything you try seems to turn against you. We've all been there.
My advise is that you can't fight everything at once. And you won't acomplish anything in a hurry. This is a problem that takes a lot of patience, as in you are very hungry, and you stop to plan seeds, that will give you food someday. That image gives you an idea of the kind of person that you need to become.
In the meantime, less is more, and you have to look inside as much as outside. What do you really want? Are you in this for the long run? What do you do to keep your emotions in check? What do you do to take care of yourself? What makes you happy today? How can you not lose your temper?
The good news is that anything you do to improve yourself, it will improve any relationship that you have.
Before we can make anything better, we have to stop making things worse. You'll hear that a lot. And it does help to have that concept in mind. I'm lost very often, and I don't know what to do, but what I know is "if I do this, hell is gonna break lose, and we are not gonna get anywhere". So I go back to myself, I control my emotions, I remember my goals... .And 1 out of 10 times, I manage to say what I really should say, facts without judgement, validation without "buts", and I give her space to go circle around her emotions to the place that she is the woman I know and love.
I'm biting my tongue right now to not answer her about not trusting me. I've been told many things that you mention. They just "feel out loud", and that hurts, and the next day they can feel somehting different, and when they have the ability to thing, the truth comes out. But for them, what they feel in the moment is their reality, no matter if there is no evidence, or logical train of thought that led them there. Even when they are aware of this, they can't change it, and that gives them a lot of frustration and shame.
Take your time on yourself and on learning about this and about her. And keep posting, we get it.