Tired of the rollercoaster

[Happylost]

I'm so tired of this rollercoaster rider and don't know what my next steps are.  This is an example of a mild interaction with my husband... .

This morning everyone was sleeping and I couldn't anymore, I was undecided whether I wanted to go to the gym or not so I did some laundry and cleaned up a little.  Then I thought, you know what I am going to go.  I went upstairs to get dressed and I went in our bedroom and put my hand on my husband, he rustled and I said lightly I'm going to the gym.  I kissed him and said I love you, he said have fun.  I said thank you.  I went downstairs and got my water ready, found my headphones and I hear him flush the toilet.  I started to rush like mad because I wanted to get out before he came down... .because I knew what was coming.  I did not get out in time.  He walked in the kitchen and I said did you have a good sleep, he said yes, you?  I said not bad.  He started making coffee, banging things.  I went up to him, kissed him and said I'm going now I love you, he said see ya!  Now normally that would've hurt, as of late I don't even care anymore.  As I was leaving he said take a key because im not sure I'll be here when you get back, I said ok and left.  As I arrived at the gym I received a text saying "Im cancelling tonight with mike.  Enjoy your day." I said ok!  (We had plans for dinner with his friend and girlfriend).  I came home from the gym and he was outside having a fire and eating I said hello, he said hello back and now he will ignore me for the rest of the day.     

I think, really... .this is nuts!  My life is a neverending rollercoaster of days like this. 

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[Schnurrbart]

Hey there Happylost,

You're not alone in experiencing these frustrating days. What you're describing resonates deeply with past communication I've had with my exBPDgf. I remember telling her I loved her after we had a short argument and she would not respond to that, but rather just the arguing I'd tried to put an end to and say ''i'm going to take a shower now, cya'' instead of ''I love you too''. To me this is emotionally immature passive aggressiveness that people with BPD often resort to, to get back at us when they've felt wronged in any way. In your case, because you didn't stay with him in the morning, presumably.

I'm unsure what kind of advice to give based on this, so I'll leave that to somebody else. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in experiencing this, not even in something as specific as this!

[amusement park]

Not sure how long you have been in this relationship but it won't change unless the BPD decides something is wrong with them which seldom happens. What a sad, lonesome, unhappy existence it must be. I've battled it for six years and it wears you down. Thankfully, I found this website, albeit a bit too late. There is great information here that should help you cope and understand.
Good luck! You aren't alone in your battle.

[Frankee]

I feel saddened by the replies.  I'm going to be a bit of a bummer too.  I understand the roller coaster of emotions.  My BPD husband almost threw me off that roller coaster yesterday.  One of his angry rants threw me completely off guard.  He was digging up so serious pent up resentment issues towards his mother and projecting on me.  At the time, I couldn't see it for what it was really was, I just felt intensely sensitive because I felt he was attacking me personally as a mother.  I'm not prefect, but I try very hard to be a good mom.  Wasn't until after ranting to myself about stuff and really thinking about the emotions behind the attack that I realized it.  Not really going to elaborate because that would take awhile.  He was in the wrong for saying what he did. I also know I reacted very negatively and didn't handle it very well. I apologized for reacting inappropriately and telling him I understand how hard it is to deal with such intense emotions.  He gave me the silent treatment for the most of the day, but then when he came home he was actually talking to me like a normal person.

It's a stormy turbulent ride dealing with someone with BPD.  I may be grasping at air, but he has told me what he wants to change about himself.  He says he doesn't want to talk down to me anymore, doesn't want the kids to see him yelling, doesn't want to feel the way he does.  So I see now why he got so mad at me yesterday.  He got mad because he ended up yelling in front of our baby and said it was my fault and I was doing it on purpose.  Typical blame situation where he thinks I'm some puppet master, able to control his reactions and emotions, when I got upset he accused me of being a liar.  Off subject, my oldest called me a liar this morning because he misheard something I said... think I saw steam come out my ears.  Told him that it wasn't nice to call me a liar when I wasn't lying... I honestly thinks he was picking up it from his dad the way he said it. Anyways, since I am the emotionally healthy adult, I take it upon myself to read, learn tools, and continued support for my endeavor. 

We are here whenever you need to rant or just receive support.

[Happylost]

Thank you both for your replies.  I suppose the type of advice I'm looking for is what should I do for myself.  I'm so torn because I feel for him, it must be an awfully life in his world, but I'm also so disconnected from years of abuse from him.  He loves me, he hates me... .he can't get enough of me now he can't stay far enough away from me... .I have so much love to give and I want to be a part of a stable loving relationship.  I don't even know how to do that with him and I feel like I can't even give all my love to him because at a moment's notice he can smash my heart into a million pieces and just walk away like it's nothing.  Picked up those pieces WAY too many times.

I've discussed the book "How to Stop Walking on Eggshells" with him and he listened and did research on his own.  He admits he has the disorder and in a down period asked for help but then when he's out of it he doesn't need help.

[Frankee]

Do you have kids with him?

[Happylost]

No, no children with my husband.  I have a daughter, who is my whole world.  Her dad passed away when I was pregnant with her and it was her and I for 13 years... .until I met my current husband.

[Tattered Heart]

HI happylost,

I'm sorry about what you are going through right now. There is hope though. YOu can begin changing the way that you respond to him. YOu don't have to let his behavior dictate your behavior. Keep living your life and don't walk on egg shells because you are worried about how he is going to respond (or in your case, not respond).

How would he respond if you just kept talking with him like nothing was wrong? Have you shared with him that his silent treatment hurts you?

What led to him not speaking to you? Is this a usual response?

Here's one of our workshops about how to change our perspective from intolerable to being ok with things.

Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

[Happylost]

Thank you, I will definitely have a look at the workshop. 

I have shared the things he does that hurt me, he does honestly work at things but there are times he just doesn't seem to care at all and it all comes back.  It's very hard to act like nothing is going on and just talk to him like normal all while I'm hating the way he is treating me.  I just retreat now and don't want anything to do with him.  It's unfortunate.  I am a very open person and a conversationalist, so when I have something on my mind I open up and I like to just talk.  This usually turns into something all about me, I can't seem to have feelings about anything because it all comes back to me... .so frustrating and honestly I think perhaps j should just be having a relationship with myself.

[Frankee]

I am a very open person and a conversationalist, so when I have something on my mind I open up and I like to just talk. 

I'm the same way.  He's gets mad at me because as he says, I explain too much, make things way more difficult then they need to be, I have trouble answering simple question, I always go into too much detail.  What I'm hearing is, don't talk to me about stupid trivial stuff.  He talks a lot on stuff that interests him, but when I find something that interests me, he most of the time thinks it superficial or stupid.  I feel I have to show interests in his things (even if I find them boring or too serious most of the time), but when I find something light hearted or maybe a little fun, he seems to lack the same response.  We talk.  It's just he wants to be wrapped up in world issues, political stuff, national news, documentaries of jails over seas and stuff.  Don't get me wrong, it's good topics and I'm glad he's pays attention to serious stuff and I do my part as well, but dude... .lighten up.  Life isn't all horrible or all about wars and tragedies... sometimes the small stupid stuff is more enjoyable to talk about.