Adult Daughter with children

[Nana needs help]

  My adult daughter has undiagnosed BPD but has other diagnosed mental health problems in particular depression. She recently separated and I'm so worried about my grandchildren as they are leading such a dysfunctional life with her. Her husband is involved but is totally ruled by her and she treats him horribly. Her contact with me is very limited and extremely difficult. Nothing is ever 'normal'. I worry all the time and I've been seeing a psychologist for about 6 months. I don't know where to turn to next. I'm reading Walking  on Eggshells nad take care of myself but where do I go to next as a parent and grandparent. Do I keep up the distant communication or do I push forward more. Do I report her to try and get a mental health order? Do I go lay the facts on the line that she's damaging the children and she needs treatment? I'd like to know how other people in this situation have moved forward. I only live 10 minutes away from her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Nana

I think these are some of the toughest situations, where grandkids are involved and vulnerable.  I don't have direct experience with this as my dd's are pre-grandkid, but I wanted to reach out.  What do you think would happen if you lay the facts on the line?  Would she be likely to withdraw and go NC, or to respond and possibly agree to treatment?    My fear would be that a statement like she is damaging the children, while true, might be counter productive since it might cause her to cut contact further.

Do you have any contact with your grandchildren?  I would think that to offer help babysitting them to try to increase contact might be good.  How old are your grandchildren?

There is another book I found helpful, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, also all the resources here on the right, definitely for me the more I focus on the skills the more likely I am to move things in the right direction. 

I hope others respond who have dealt with a similar situation, please feel free to post a new thread or further questions.

[Nana needs help]

Thanks Incadove for your response. My grandsons are 6 and 7. I have them often and always have since they were born. Often my daughter barely even looks at me when I pick them up. If she picks them up from my place she won't even stay for 5 minutes. Then I often get abusive text messages afterwards criticising me and telling me I made them sick. One time I got 27 in a day while I was picking them up from school. I am very careful with my communication after reading Walking on Eggshells. The main problem is she won't even talk to me long enough to discuss treatment so we can't ever get to that point. Her life is so dysfunctional it's incredible and it's hard to describe to people. A good friend of mine has a sister in law that's even worse so I know she understands. It's embarrassing too. People say not to worry about what other people think but we all want to share stories about our families and it's just not something you talk about apart from saying it's dysfunctional. I feel alone with this so often. I wish I could just stop spending all my time worrying about their future.

[Huat]

Hello Nana-Needs-Help:

There are a few of us "Nana's" participating on this forum, all of us with that extra burden of worry and heartache because of those precious grandchildren who get caught up in all the drama.

I am in my mid-70's and my grandchildren are now 25/27 but I well remember those early years when my hands would be tied... .when I would weather through my daughter's verbal and emotional abuse, fearing being separated from those loves-of-my-life.

Of course, all our stories are different.  When push comes to shove, we do not walk in another's shoes.  I am so, so sorry for what is happening in your family and my heart goes out to you as you struggle with making life-altering decisions.  I am sure whatever they may be, they will be well-thought-out and your goal is only wanting the best possible for those precious grandchildren.

It is gratifying to read that you are seeing a psychologist.  In the midst of all this turmoil you are looking after yourself... .educating yourself.  You are reaching out on this forum for emotional support... .and you will get that here.  You are doing all that is possible at this point in time.  I applaud you!

I hope you stay with us on your journey... .a difficult journey, for sure.   In doing so, I hope you will get some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Hugs to you, Nana-Needs-Help!

[Nana needs help]

Thanks Huat, I am so interested to hear your story. What happened with your child and how Rae the grandchildren?

[incadove]

Hi Nana-needs-help

It sounds like your daughter is attacking you to make herself feel better, I'm sorry you have to put up with all that abuse to be able to look after your grandchildren!

Have you tried the validating skills with her?  It might be hard to do when you are legitimately upset with how she is behaving and the life she is living, but maybe it might help calm her down so she would reduce the abusive texting and be able to tolerate a little more communication.

Is there anything you can validate about her with the kids?  Its not to enable her lifestyle with them, but to just open lines of communication towards getting help.  On the other hand documenting the details of the issues maybe in a journal and saving the text messages, may help you lay a foundation for a judge if you later do have to get custody. 

What is your biggest worry currently, is it for their safety or for how they are being raised and how they will cope in the future?

[Nana needs help]

I've been working hard on the validating and I thought I was starting to make a little bit of progress but then the abuse started again when I took the kid so to a fundraiser ta go-carts. She said they got sick from it and had to miss school for a week and I should have never taken them there. It just went on and on. Then I hear she's found a new guy on a depression forum and I think that's why she's stopped communication. She won't want me to know that. Either that or I sent her ex-husband. A short text just letting him know he's doing the best he can in a difficult situation. He was reaching out for help and I felt for him. She may have seen the text but I'm only guessing. My main concern is that the kids are missing out on a childhood. I can't even begin to think of the future. I'm going to try and see them this week because it's school holidays here for 2 weeks. What is you really story?

[wendydarling]

Hi Nana 

I found that too, working hard on the validating and starting to make a little bit of progress - and then a step back. I learnt the path is not linear, step forwards, step back, two steps forwards, step back, three steps forwards. It took me time to realise its early days and feel comfortable with that, not to panic and celebrate every moment of success. As incadove says a journal helps us look back, reflect, move forwards, provides us balance and certainty.

Practising validation with your dear GC will help them and you (my 29DD shared with me, double validate me Mum, thanks for that I hear you now). How's your son in law coping, is he close to his children, he reached out to you for help, sounds like he too is looking to step off the rollercoaster with you and the children, you are not alone.

Keep posting Nana we care for you.

WDx

[Nana needs help]

Thanks for the support and advice. I will keep posting and reading similar stories for hope xxx