Should I confront the mother who abandonded him

[Frankee]

I've been stewing over this question all day.  After his "I'm just like his mother and our kids don't need to be around sound manipulative like that" comment... has had me wondering.  His mother just recently reached out to him through me.  I accepted the request upon his approval.  Now I am asking myself, should I say something about her abandonment or talk to her about the emotions she has stirred up since her now third or fourth reappearance in his life?  She has been in and out of his life, disappearing for years to come back and disappear again.  I think it's because she wants to know her grandkids.  I can't decide whether or not to talk to her about what she's doing to him emotionally or maybe try to figure out what she's trying to accomplish in reconnecting or ask if she ever said she was sorry for abandoning him.  I honestly feels like she needs to apologize, even though I know he won't accept it.  I also don't feel it's my place, but I feel her appearance has added to the already disruptive emotional rollercoaster I'm on.  Thoughts?

[Mutt]

Hi Frankee,

Now I am asking myself, should I say something about her abandonment or talk to her about the emotions she has stirred up since her now third or fourth reappearance in his life?

I understand your logic, if his mother confronts him and apoligizes for his abandonment, it may make things better, it may be more complex than that, what I'm worried about is you. If she's coming in and out of his life, she may have her own feelings about abandoning him that she doesn't want to confront, if you talk to her about her abandonment it may push her away, she may lay low again too judging by her past behaviors.



I'd stay out of it, because three people makes a triangle, you would be casting yourself as rescuer and casting her as persecutor, what you want to do is remain in the middle and don't take sides it's something that she should be directing at him and not going through you.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[once removed]

  Mutt makes a great point here about the Karpman Drama Triangle.

coming between a partner and their parents is usually a recipe for disaster, often times a relationship killer. it ups the drama, and creates a tug of war that will only fuel resentments in your relationship.

reading between the lines, it sounds like his comparison of you to his mother is whats on your mind, that you want to vent this frustration at her. understandable.

have you ever tried "i am my own person and i would appreciate if you not make comparisons of me to your mother"? if so howd it go?

[isilme]

I like what once removed said - "i am my own person and i would appreciate if you not make comparisons of me to your mother"

I have to make statements like this to H when he starts projecting his feelings about himself onto me, or his assumptions of how others perceive him on to me, to blame me for feeling bad about himself.  "You are stating YOUR feelings, not mine.  I know my feelings, and those are not them.  You are expressing how YOU feel about YOURSELF." 

Personally, I tried addressing, gently, with 's mother some of the issues that I know come from her that contribute to H's emotional instability.  It made tiny headway at times, and she ignored or balked at other issues.  Overall, I kinda feel it's a bit of a waste of time, and she actually tries to (sometimes) to be involved in our lives.  A mother who has a habit of abandoning her child, I doubt much positive will come from it.  It basically will open old wounds for your H, and put you in the middle.  The mother obviously is more worried about her own emotional needs than his, and definitely more than yours. 

Here's how H's mother reacted when I tried to explain his recent health issues due to his recently diagnosed diabetes and neuropathy - I told her that we'd need the stairs to the garage attic room we stay in cleared completely off so he can safely climb and descend them.  He loses feeling and control at times, and descending stairs at work is when he feels most vulnerable to a fall.  They store bulk grocery items on the stairs so that one-half of the stairs are obscured with paper towels, cooking pans, bags of produce, cat food and litter, lots of stuff.  In our healthier 20s it was navigable, but now, in our 40s, it's dicey to get to the room we sleep in, or down to the rest of the house.  We try to be the couple who goes to stay with the parents since H's siblings won't go visit and certainly don't stay the night.  But the stairs 9along with other hoarding issues) are a big deal, and H's safety is now a concern for me.  So I told her we'd need them cleared so he could be safe for us to stay at Easter, or we'd have to do a day trip to visit.  I said it as nicely as possible, and she has a cleaning lady/CNA who comes and can help move things like that.  So it was possible to clear them off.  Instead, after some health evaluations and seeing how well he felt and how up to traveling and spending the night in a bed other than ours, we determined we'd just do a day trip so when we got there - the stairs were now FULLY blocked with crap.

Your H's mother is likely NPD/BPD/any-PD herself.  You won't be able to shame her into apologizing to you, her son, or anyone.   You won't be able to (not likely at least) communicate how her actions hurt her son.  In my opinion, it would be talking to a wall. 

[Tattered Heart]

Great info on the Karmpman Triangle Mutt. When it comes to parent/child relationships, the spouse usually shouldn't get involved. The issues are between them and it's better to be addressed in the same way. Has your H ever thought about talking to her about abandoning him?

[romanova]

I would also advise against confronting her. Obviously, they have a lot of issues between themselves that won't be solved that easily. Perhaps your husband has developed BPD because of the abandonment and the emotional baggage that comes with it. So, if he has such hard time coping with everyday life issues, imagine his struggle if he has to face deep issues related to him mom. I agree that you will be caught in the fire. I'm pretty sure they would end up making even more drama and you will be blamed for everything. Please spare yourself.

Last year in the peak of our crisis I contacted my FIL. My MIL is the one with uBPD and uBipolar - she is the queen type. So I thought I would get more help from FIL. He was shocked to learn about his son's behavior, the things he does and says. I was disappointed though because so many times I had to call him when my husband was getting out of control. He would talk to his son and husband would watch himself for a few days - maybe because FIL has that fatherly authority. This was before the diagnosis though.

Long story short, he could not resolve it, he was too overwhelmed with the amount of stress I was going through. He said something like "My marriage with his mother lasted this long because I control it and I know how to deal with her, she is erratic too". I told him that maybe it lasted mostly because he swallows everything, does as she says and many times ends up scolding his children instead. His response was "Well, he is your husband now, doesn't live with me, so you have to come up with a way". Wtf! As if sending his child off to adoption! But the reality is that. He does realize that his children (there is a daughter too) are both pretty messed up and there is no end to the crazy family drama or to MIL's manipulative and mean games. Basically, FIL is happy to have found another "mommy" for his son. (The daughter is not married yet at 35, not likely to settle down the way she is.)

So, I wouldn't involve in-laws as much as possible because it's like inviting more BPD drama into your life, . The husband got his condition from growing up in that family, right? I keep mine at arms length for my own sanity.

[Frankee]

Appreciate everything.  Honestly after today (I wrote a long post about it). I couldn't care less what happens with his mother.  He basically told me that he is going to do whatever he wants, sleep with whoever he wants, and doesn't care at all what I do.  Said I can leave if I don't like it.  So he can take his mommy issues and shove them up his a**.  He think I'm like her, going to prove him wrong.  He thinks I'm going to sleep with other guys, going to prove him wrong,  he doesn't want to sleep with me anymore except one a month, that is fine.  Takes the fu*** pressure off of me making an effort to not feel so damn self conscious about looking like a boy with a pu***.  I have serious self image issues and he spit all over it.  So as of right now , I am throwing in the towel.  I don't give two sh*** right now what he does.  I am just trying right now not to have a complete meltdown .

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that you're having a tough day   

We're listening, lean on the boards for support and use it to have your voice heard.

Hang in there.

[Tattered Heart]

Ouch. Those words sound painful. I"m sorry that you are going through that. Did something lead up to him saying these things? Do you think he means it or was he just lashing out?

[romanova]

Frankee, so sorry to hear what you're going through. You are not alone in your stress, we're here. You are doing your best, please take care of yourself first.
Warm wishes... .

[Frankee]

I believe he means some of it and some is just lashing out.  Problem is knowing which parts he means.  I really do believe that he probably will start hitting up other women.  Messed up thing is that in the past when he's talked to other women is he'll send them pictures of me.  I know he wants another woman.  Doesn't surprise me because we've hooked up with other women before.  As pissed off as I am, I am still interested in women.  I am bi and I enjoy their company.  I told him though.  I'm self conscious about the whole boob situation, so I'm getting implants.  And please hold the "be happy in your own body, love yourself, don't do it for him" comments.  He can screw himself.  It's more me.  It's like cutting a guys junk off and saying that to him.  I literally look like a breast cancer survivor, that's how small the have gotten.  It's even taken a lot of courage admitting that on here.

What he does or doesn't mean, I don't know for sure.  But I'm going to work on my self love.  I'm going to take care and make myself look good, for me.  And I'm going to be mature.  To me, maturity is trying to understand the pain and hurt instead of hurting that person back.  I will accomplish nothing if I waste my time and effort a trying to retaliate. 

[Frankee]

Back on the original topic.  I'm glad for the insight.  I agree that I should let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak.  It's just hard, seeing it from a mother's view.  I look at our baby, who even she says looks just like his dad, and I wonder, how?  How could she do that to him?  How could she dump him with his abusive father and just walk away?  I can't understand.  Posts are right, she has to have some sort of issues herself.  It pulls at my heart when I leave, just to go to work and my baby gets upsets and doesn't want me to leave.  I admit that I lose my patience, get annoyed, or angry with him, but I could never hurt him or even live with myself if he wasn't in my life.  His little smile, laugh, the way he gives me hugs, likes to cuddle, or how's so happy to see me when I come home.  How am I ever supposes to understand how she could see that in him and walk away.  He said he remembers being happy and normal as a child.  How he wasn't always like how he is.  He says he has to change who he is to fit into this life. 

I'm struggling.  I am the funnel for all the negativity in his life, all the bad done to him.
 Then I get aggravated because I see behind all the mean cruel things he says and does.
Not excusing any of it.  I'm just starting to read between the lines and I feel sorrow for all the pain he has gone through. He gets angry, basically because I'm like every one else.  Makes me think of the being put on a pedestal and then squashed when I didn't live up to the expectation.  Like I'm the only one. 

[Mutt]

He gets angry, basically because I'm like every one else.

I'm glad that you recognize the importance of self care, it's good to do a lot of self care and do it often. You probably already know this, you're not like everyone else, don't measure your self worth with others, he has his problems that are his own and only he can help himself with.