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Author Topic: Split, or just between two points?  (Read 370 times)
Sargeras
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« on: September 11, 2017, 02:56:21 AM »

Before I dive into it I'll admit that I'm a little unclear as to whether "splitting" is a phenomenon that mostly occurs in a breakup when a pwBPD decides to end things, or whether it's just one of many different mindsets a pwBPD can assume at the time of a breakup?

Herein lies the context of my confusion:

A little over a month ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. It was very sudden and I did not anticipate it. She was my best friend. I hadn't seen her for a week prior because she had been on a cruise, she came back, and told me we weren't going to see one another in that capacity anymore. She did it over a text which also kind of shook me up. The end of her little speech was something to the effect of, "I'm more than willing to include you in my life, but I don't want to be anything more than friends".

In hindsight, I think the primary reasons she did what she did is because she was bored with our relationship. I've been wearing an ankle monitor the past 5 months, and in 3 days, it's coming off. We couldn't go out. We just watched a lot of TV for the most part. I think knowing that I had one on helped her breakup with me knowing I couldn't go out and see anyone.

Never did I insist we rekindle our relationship, nor did I attempt to engage in some kind of remedial talk. We were definitely on ice with one another the first week of the breakup. She told me to contact her when she broke up with me, and a few days later when I did, she said she'd prefer not to talk. Low and behold I found out she's seeing somebody who lives 400 miles away. How tf does that work? She basically sees him once every couple of weeks, and has since drawn plans to move there within the next several months. I found this out because I went snooping on her blog shortly after we broke up. She told me a couple of weeks ago she was moving, but failed to specify why. I know it's because of this new guy.

A week after we broke up, I decided to give her a phone call. I went into it with intentions of smoothing things over and laying the foundation for future correspondence, and that's exactly what I did.

Since then, we've had very friendly interactions with one another. We talk pretty regularly, and she's always interested in speaking with me. I've made a point not to bring up anything that could insight drama, and just keep it lighthearted. I joke with her a lot. She picks up her phone when I call, responds to texts in seconds, etc. I saw her for the first time since we broke up a little over a week ago. She spent 4 hours at my house, and it was great. We didn't have sex, we didn't kiss, but there were intimate moments between us when she came over.

Although things have been going well between us, it's not "the same". We're still broken up. We don't talk as much as we used to, and she doesn't come over nearly as often. However, I'm sure once this ankle monitor comes off and I can get out of the house, we'll see each other more. I don't want to overdo it, though. I want to have my own life, and I want her to see that.

She broke up with ME. I would've thought she had learned to detest something about me or lose desire to sustain contact. I know I'm not "painted black", but I don't feel I qualify as  "painted white". Is this not something that's applicable to every pwBPD?

Am I some sort of accessory to her while she works thru her boredom? I want to get back together with her, but I haven't told her this or really eluded to it. At the very least it isn't OBVIOUS that's what I want.

I just don't know what she wants with me. If you're gonna walk, then walk. Why not just end things? Does she even know what she wants?

Thanks for reading.

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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2017, 09:37:46 AM »

HI Sargeras,

I'm sorry that you are in a place of not knowing how things will go. I can imagine how confusing it is to be getting such mixed signals. Have you had a conversation with her about the future of your relationship with her? How did it go? What did she say?

I'm beginnign to understand the saying "We are treated the way we allow people to treat us." IN essence, you are allowing her to continue giving you mixed messages. What could you do for yourself to stop this cycle of "yes, no, maybe so"?

Before I dive into it I'll admit that I'm a little unclear as to whether "splitting" is a phenomenon that mostly occurs in a breakup when a pwBPD decides to end things, or whether it's just one of many different mindsets a pwBPD can assume at the time of a breakup?

In answer to your questions I think the latter is more accurate. It's one of the mindsets that some pepole with BPD use during a breakup. For instance, my H will split me black, but he has never left. He just treats me like he hates me.

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

Meili
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2017, 07:03:03 PM »

I want to join Tattered Heart in welcoming you.

Welcome

Why do you think that she is BPD? What was the relationship like prior to her ending things?

It sounds like you're on the right track as far as doing what you should do to save a relationship with her. But, what relationship do you want that to be?

As for the splitting, it is a maladaptive coping mechanism. It polarizes emotions. Things are thought of in terms of good and bad with little or nothing in between. You can read more about the subject here.

If you tell us more about your situation, we may be able to offer better support and opinions.
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Sargeras
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« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2017, 01:30:08 AM »

I appreciate both of you replying to me. I always like to hear what others think. I'm happy to be here.

She was diagnosed with BPD when she was 17, several years ago. She's definitely BPD. She cuts herself, she has an eating disorder, and can display extreme bouts of emotional instability.

She has a blog which I used to check (I don't anymore, because it just hurts to read some of what she says) in which one day she explains how happy she is with the direction her life is going, and the next day she "hopes she doesn't wake up". She's all over the map. Right now, she's in the honeymoon phase with this guy. She only sees him once every 2-3 weeks. They've been "dating" for 6-7 weeks. The last time I checked her blog a couple of weeks back, she was really talking him up. I know her relationship with this guy has had a couple of unpleasant periods thus far. Again, on her blog, she'd say things like "why did that happen, I wish that hadn't happened!" "I'm just going to go to bed and cry". While she leaves the context out, it's safe to assume it had something to do with him. And of course 24-48hours later she's the happiest she's ever been once again.

I've been depressed (more so today than usual). She's flying down to see this new guy tomorrow for the weekend. I spoke with her on the phone today for about 20mins. It was a good talk, but towards the end I got to asking her when she was planning to move away- it won't be for several more months, but I shouldn't have asked. It just made me feel bad hearing it. I could tell she wanted to keep talking but I just made my way off the call. I think she could sense I was a little uneasy at the end.

She broke up with me after she came back from a week long cruise with her family. Before she left for the cruise, we were very sweet towards one another. It was a very intimate goodbye. The month leading up to our split things were intimate. We hadn't fought in weeks and I thought things were getting better. The thing is, I'm wearing an ankle monitor, so we couldn't go out and do things like we used to. There was a lot of time spent on the couch just watching TV. I'm sure this contributed to her decision to breakup. It was unexciting.

The good news is, the ankle bracelet is coming off very soon. We'll have much more contact. Better yet, I'll have my own life again. She's expressed a lot of interest in me. She even wants to get a job where I work.

I just don't know how to proceed once I'm free. On one hand, I want to convey my loyalty and the fact that I've got her back. She's been through some rough things in her life, and I want her to know she always has a friend in me. On the other hand, I don't want to look desperate or constantly available. I want to have my own life and I want her to see that I'm not sitting and doing nothing waiting for her to change her mind. I'm not her plan B. Rock and a hard place.

My end game (as I'm sure you know) is to get her back. I just don't want to lose my dignity in pursuit of that. I'm conflicted as to how I should go about managing my time with her once this thing comes off. I miss her like crazy, and it's hard to conceal.

If we were to get back together- I would want much more open and honest communication between the two of us. I don't want either of us to feel like we have to hide our feelings.

Thank you both for reading this and helping.

P.S. Tattered- I'm very sorry to hear you get treated like that sometimes. Being the target of something like that (especially when it's unprovoked) must add up.
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Meili
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« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2017, 07:10:45 AM »

I just don't know how to proceed once I'm free. On one hand, I want to convey my loyalty and the fact that I've got her back. She's been through some rough things in her life, and I want her to know she always has a friend in me. On the other hand, I don't want to look desperate or constantly available. I want to have my own life and I want her to see that I'm not sitting and doing nothing waiting for her to change her mind. I'm not her plan B. Rock and a hard place.

These two can actually be mutually exclusive, and should be, mutually exclusive.

You can be loyal and supportive of her without being at her beck and call. In fact, you should not be at her beck and call. That would make you a doormat. Doormats are not attractive.
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Sargeras
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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 10:43:50 PM »

I needed to hear that. Thank you.

It's gonna be a rough next few days for me. She's spending the weekend away with this guy. I find myself thinking about the two of them at points throughout the day. It's funny thinking about how this whole ordeal has been much more difficult for me than her, I'm sure. I'm the one projecting a sense of security and confidence that I don't really have.

I take comfort being on good terms with her, though. I also take comfort in the fact that she hardly gets to see him :-D

She's going to be working the same job with me, shortly. Next Friday she starts. Shes's gonna be carpooling with me, should be interesting.
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Meili
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« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2017, 06:45:19 AM »

I went through something similar with my x after the split. Our social circle kept us involved with one another. It was hard. It was also a blessing. I got to find out that she wasn't as happy as she appeared. It also gave me the opportunity to show her, rather than just tell her, the changes that I was making. The other benefit was that it provided opportunities to use the things that I was learning here.

When you start to have those reoccurring thoughts, what do you do about them? Stopping the ruminations can be difficult. In the workshop Dealing with ruminations techniques are discussed that might be helpful.
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Sargeras
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2017, 01:36:02 AM »

Thank you. That was a helpful read.
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