BPD Wife Left and I am Left Brokenhearted

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 16 years.  She was originally diagnosed (before I knew her) and this ended up in many hospitalizations over the years as none of the the mood stabilizers every worked for her.  Every time she would get in a really manic phase, she would leave me and run to her parents (this has happened about 4 times in our marriage).  The last time she was hospitalized, about 3 years ago, she ended up in a partial outpatient program and the doctor re-diagnosed her as BPD, took her off the stabilizers, and placed her on Celexa, Prestiq, and a small amount of Abilify.  This seemed to work out really well for her for about 2 1/2 years. 

Fast forward to Wednesday, August 31.  She had been depressed for about two weeks.  When I tried to talk to her about it, she said she didn't know what was causing it.  ":)on't worry babe, it's not you.  I'm not mad at you."  But she had also been sleeping only 1 -2 hours a day for the preceding week and was spending ALOT of time on this Facebook community for depression and anxiety, chatting with all sorts of people.  One thing I want to add is that my wife is also disabled from neuropathy and can't drive or walk unaided.  Anyways, that night, we kissed goodnight and I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning that I went to give her a kiss good morning.  She pushed me away and said, "Why are you being so clingy!"  I just said I was giving her a kiss good morning and that it seemed like she didn't want me near her.  She screamed, "Because I don't!"  I left it alone for the morning but then heard her talking to her therapist on the speakerphone how she was so happy in her decisions to leave me and was giving me these even grin looks.  I was surprised because her therapist was actually encouraging her, saying how it would be so exciting, etc.

Then, that night she turned and was more loving, we played some games together and snuggled.  The next day I had a bad headache and laid down.  She laid next to me, was holding my hand and stroking my hair and told me it was going to be okay and that maybe she just needed a few days away at her parents (This was Friday).  We had plans for the weekend and I was supposed to take her to her parents on Sunday, but her dad (who is super, ultra-protective) insisted he get her right then (her parents live about an hour away).  The bad this is she was supposed to have her psychiatrist appt. that day and she didn't go because daddy got in the way.  Anyways, I told her I wouldn't contact her and that she could call when she was ready but to please text me when she got to her parents house.  I never heard from her that night.

She contacted me on Saturday night to ask me what time were here Dr. appointments on Wed and Fri.  She said her parents were going to take her.  I asked if she was coming home at all.  "Nope."  So this is it?  "Yep."  I thought I meant more to you than that.  "Maybe you did at one time but I don't feel anything for you."  Super-cold tone in her voice, like I was some devil who used to abuse her.  I didn't hear from her again until Tuesday night when she called from her cell phone.  She sounded more like herself and she told me that I could text her but please not try to call her so much.  I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too.  However, she called an hour later from her parents phone and was back to the ice-cold tone.   

Friday night I get a call from a family friend of theirs telling me that I need to leave her alone and let it go.   I told him I hadn't been calling her.  He said he didn't care and that he doesn't want to hear that I've been contacting her (threat much?).  It turns out she is the one who talked to him.  So she goes against this by calling me the next night to ask if her uncle could buy her old car.  Then out of the blue she says, "I just don't know if we should file for separation or just go for the divorce."  Like saying she didn't know if she should have the steak or the lobster.  I just told her that she knew how I feel and that she needs to think carefully about what she does.  I said goodbye and I love you.  She said I love you too, then immediately said, "Ooops!" and hung up.

The weirdest thing is that I'm going through a medical crisis right now where I might need surgery on my stomach.  When I finally told her about it, she just said "You'll be alright."  The other thing is that we have two dogs who were her world.  I got them groomed and send a picture of them to her.  She just said, "eh... .cute."  No hint of emotion, concern, or anything in her voice.  This is so unlike her and I feel like this is not even the same person.  So if I die tomorrow will she still have the, "so what" attitude?

Another couple tidbits of background.  Her parents do not believe in mental illness.  They don't even want to hear the words bipolar or borderline.  Her mom doesn't understand why she has to take meds or why she even sees a therapist.  So when she goes through episodes, they think it's either my fault or it's because my wife is looking for attention (including when she attempted suicide).  They don't like me because I live in Southern California on a single income and cannot afford a house.  Also, her therapist has shut me out of all aspects of her therapy.  What I mean by this is if I see my wife displaying an alarming behavior, I do call him to see how I can help her and/or to let him know what's going on (because my wife is very good at hiding these things).  I've only done this once or twice but he thinks it's controlling and manipulative.

Does this sound like BPD or bipolar to anyone, like this could be a manic episode?  I am left so confused how she could turn so rapidly and try and throw away a 13 year marriage where we have been best friends and shared everything together.  Yes, I suffer from depression and have been going through some stuff lately but I am back in therapy and trying to work on it.  But she interprets the depressions and slight isolation that I don't want her and that I'm not putting her first.  Is this really something to kill a marriage over.  The other bad thing is that her pdoc is out of town for another two weeks so there is nothing I can do if it's a med thing.  I just don't know what to do and any insight or advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.  Thank you so much.

[confused317]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 16 years.  She was originally diagnosed (before I knew her) and this ended up in many hospitalizations over the years as none of the the mood stabilizers every worked for her.  Every time she would get in a really manic phase, she would leave me and run to her parents (this has happened about 4 times in our marriage).  The last time she was hospitalized, about 3 years ago, she ended up in a partial outpatient program and the doctor re-diagnosed her as BPD, took her off the stabilizers, and placed her on Celexa, Prestiq, and a small amount of Abilify.  This seemed to work out really well for her for about 2 1/2 years. 

Fast forward to Wednesday, August 31.  She had been depressed for about two weeks.  When I tried to talk to her about it, she said she didn't know what was causing it.  ":)on't worry babe, it's not you.  I'm not mad at you."  But she had also been sleeping only 1 -2 hours a day for the preceding week and was spending ALOT of time on this Facebook community for depression and anxiety, chatting with all sorts of people.  One thing I want to add is that my wife is also disabled from neuropathy and can't drive or walk unaided.  Anyways, that night, we kissed goodnight and I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning that I went to give her a kiss good morning.  She pushed me away and said, "Why are you being so clingy!"  I just said I was giving her a kiss good morning and that it seemed like she didn't want me near her.  She screamed, "Because I don't!"  I left it alone for the morning but then heard her talking to her therapist on the speakerphone how she was so happy in her decisions to leave me and was giving me these even grin looks.  I was surprised because her therapist was actually encouraging her, saying how it would be so exciting, etc.

Then, that night she turned and was more loving, we played some games together and snuggled.  The next day I had a bad headache and laid down.  She laid next to me, was holding my hand and stroking my hair and told me it was going to be okay and that maybe she just needed a few days away at her parents (This was Friday).  We had plans for the weekend and I was supposed to take her to her parents on Sunday, but her dad (who is super, ultra-protective) insisted he get her right then (her parents live about an hour away).  The bad this is she was supposed to have her psychiatrist appt. that day and she didn't go because daddy got in the way.  Anyways, I told her I wouldn't contact her and that she could call when she was ready but to please text me when she got to her parents house.  I never heard from her that night.

She contacted me on Saturday night to ask me what time were here Dr. appointments on Wed and Fri.  She said her parents were going to take her.  I asked if she was coming home at all.  "Nope."  So this is it?  "Yep."  I thought I meant more to you than that.  "Maybe you did at one time but I don't feel anything for you."  Super-cold tone in her voice, like I was some devil who used to abuse her.  I didn't hear from her again until Tuesday night when she called from her cell phone.  She sounded more like herself and she told me that I could text her but please not try to call her so much.  I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too.  However, she called an hour later from her parents phone and was back to the ice-cold tone.   

Friday night I get a call from a family friend of theirs telling me that I need to leave her alone and let it go.   I told him I hadn't been calling her.  He said he didn't care and that he doesn't want to hear that I've been contacting her (threat much?).  It turns out she is the one who talked to him.  So she goes against this by calling me the next night to ask if her uncle could buy her old car.  Then out of the blue she says, "I just don't know if we should file for separation or just go for the divorce."  Like saying she didn't know if she should have the steak or the lobster.  I just told her that she knew how I feel and that she needs to think carefully about what she does.  I said goodbye and I love you.  She said I love you too, then immediately said, "Ooops!" and hung up.

The weirdest thing is that I'm going through a medical crisis right now where I might need surgery on my stomach.  When I finally told her about it, she just said "You'll be alright."  The other thing is that we have two dogs who were her world.  I got them groomed and send a picture of them to her.  She just said, "eh... .cute."  No hint of emotion, concern, or anything in her voice.  This is so unlike her and I feel like this is not even the same person.  So if I die tomorrow will she still have the, "so what" attitude?

Another couple tidbits of background.  Her parents do not believe in mental illness.  They don't even want to hear the words bipolar or borderline.  Her mom doesn't understand why she has to take meds or why she even sees a therapist.  So when she goes through episodes, they think it's either my fault or it's because my wife is looking for attention (including when she attempted suicide).  They don't like me because I live in Southern California on a single income and cannot afford a house.  Also, her therapist has shut me out of all aspects of her therapy.  What I mean by this is if I see my wife displaying an alarming behavior, I do call him to see how I can help her and/or to let him know what's going on (because my wife is very good at hiding these things).  I've only done this once or twice but he thinks it's controlling and manipulative.

Does this sound like BPD or bipolar to anyone, like this could be a manic episode?  I am left so confused how she could turn so rapidly and try and throw away a 13 year marriage where we have been best friends and shared everything together.  Yes, I suffer from depression and have been going through some stuff lately but I am back in therapy and trying to work on it.  But she interprets the depressions and slight isolation that I don't want her and that I'm not putting her first.  Is this really something to kill a marriage over.  The other bad thing is that her pdoc is out of town for another two weeks so there is nothing I can do if it's a med thing.  I just don't know what to do and any insight or advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.  Thank you so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi confused,

Welcome ,

I'm so sorry that you are left so confused about everything. I can imagine how shocking and hard this is for you right now. It doesn't help when others get involved in the relationship. Unfortunately, at this point, it sounds like she may not be willing to listen to reason. Giving her some space may be the best thing, at least for a little while. Let things cool off.

After a few days or a week or so, you could test the waters just letting her know that you miss her and are available if she would like to talk. I would suggest if she has people calling you to talk about your relationship that you don't engage and just simply tell them that you cannot discuss things with them. Involving a 3rd party can get you caught up in a Karpman Drama Triangle (which it sounds like is already occurring). Breaking that triangle is important to stop the cycle of he said/she said.

We have a lot of workshops on the right side of the page that may help you begin working on ways to communicate better with her when you do have conversation. To get you started here is one of our workshops on the Karpman Drama Triangle. Could you take some time to read it and then share some of your thoughts on it?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

[Meili]

I want to join Tattered Heart in welcoming you and echo what she said about giving your wife some space and not talking to third-parties.



None of us can really say whether or not she has is bipolar or borderline. There may be some cues that you can look at help you decide what you think though. You will need to assess the situation. There is some information here to help you do that.

Other than her manic episodes and hospitalizations, what has your relationship been like?

[confused317]

Our relationship has been pretty much normal except for episodes where she has been manic in the past.  The wierd thing is that she has no emotion or concern for anyone or anything.  I'm going into the hospital and the only thing she can say is "You'll be alright."  A lot of mixed messages this time.  Yes, it does not help when there are conflicting  factors such as her parents and her therapist.  The other thing is that she has completely blocked me from her facebook are any social media accounts.  Right now, I'm the enemy.  I was talking to my pastor, who has a graduate degree in psychology and he said that sometimes that people who are bipolar or borderline tend to "flip the switch" and turn off their emotions to avoid feeling the guilt that they did something bad or that the feelings they are experiencing because their meds need to be adjusted.  I've just been feeling really down because I don't know how to react to any of this because she has totally shut me out.  I'm just trying to understand what is going on because it is so confusing to me.  Thanks.

[Meili]

Just so that we are not discussing different things, can you tell us what you mean by manic episodes?

Understanding your partner's behaviors can be difficult. It is hard for us to understand how things can change so rapidly.

In your situation, her not showing concern for your medical condition might just be her not dealing with her own emotions.

[AskingWhy]

Our relationship has been pretty much normal except for episodes where she has been manic in the past.  The wierd thing is that she has no emotion or concern for anyone or anything.  I'm going into the hospital and the only thing she can say is "You'll be alright."  A lot of mixed messages this time.  Yes, it does not help when there are conflicting  factors such as her parents and her therapist.  The other thing is that she has completely blocked me from her facebook are any social media accounts.  Right now, I'm the enemy.  I was talking to my pastor, who has a graduate degree in psychology and he said that sometimes that people who are bipolar or borderline tend to "flip the switch" and turn off their emotions to avoid feeling the guilt that they did something bad or that the feelings they are experiencing because their meds need to be adjusted.  I've just been feeling really down because I don't know how to react to any of this because she has totally shut me out.  I'm just trying to understand what is going on because it is so confusing to me.  Thanks.

confused, I am so sorry that this is happening to you.  By blocking you, she appears to be splitting and now you are the bad buy. 

The most important thing, I think, with a BPD partner is not to take this personally.  It's not about you.  Yes, it is confusing and very, very painful.  I have found that when I don't take it personally with my uBPD/uNPD husband's hurtful actions, I can distance myself.

When you are "shut out" due to the splitting, you need to work on self-care.

[Meili]

AskingWhy, that is great advice. Self-care is extremely important and one of the best things that we can do for ourselves.

Also, learning all that we can about BPD makes it far easier to not take things personally.