Does anyone ever feel like it's all their fault?

[confusedbloke]

That pretty much is my question. I'm up and down on the situation and just wondered if anyone thinks it's us that messed things up. If perhaps i didnt go out that night or if I had paid more attention... .oh I dunno... .I guess I know the answer... .but just wanted to know peoples thoughts... .

[NotOverHer]

I'm sure I would have thought it was my fault if I didn't know she had BPD. I've discussed this with friends who told me about their relationships with a uBPD, and they felt huge sadness over what they should've done differently. Once they saw the pattern of the BPD, it all made sense. For me, it still hurt like hell when she discarded me. But I never felt I had to blame myself. I had always treated her with kindness, respect and love. For me, realizing she had BPD (at the time of the discard - I did not know before) avoided blaming myself for the way it ended. I'm interested to hear other's response. Maybe create a poll?

[vanx]

I did/do feel like it's my fault or there's something wrong with me. I think part of it is she tends to blame, judge, avoid personal responsibility, and I am very vulnerable to her opinions because I idealize her.

[confusedbloke]

It's a tough one. I remember being 2 months into the relationship and we went to a festival. She was with her landlord and his friends. I saw an old mate from years ago so I just said I was going to chat to him. As we were chatting an old gf of mine from 20 years ago saw us and came over. I didnt know what it was then but something inside me felt uncomfortable even at that early stage. Anyway i kept looking over and BPDex was talking to them guys so i continued too. Then after 30 mins i went back with them and she wouldnt speak to me... .after some minimal pursuasion she still wouldnt, so i left her and went back to the ex from 20 years ago and my friend... .Anyway I tried 4 times during that afternoon to get her to speak... but nothing... .the when one of her friends arrived, she was dancing around getting drunk and just being childish... .this wound me up and I ended up walking home... .it was this all the time with her. The way I saw it was that we were a couple going out and we were just socialising... .but as I know now... .it was more to her... .but this was the whole crux with her... .so was I wrong to do what I did? To me that's just a normal afternoon out. I just don't know what's normal and what isn't now... .

[sadboi]

I think it's really common to blame yourself at the end of any relationship, to look back and say "if only I had done this... .". But the truth is, unless you did something that was a deal breaker in the relationship (like cheating or something), I think the outcome is always inevitable.

I think it is ESPECIALLY easy to blame ourselves when someone with BPD leaves, especially if they are very unstable. We spent so much taking care of them that for them to leave makes us feel like we just weren't enough. I thought like this for a while when my ex left, and especially when she was immediately with someone else- it felt like she found someone that is everything I couldn't be.

But the truth is, if your ex was unstable, which it sounds like she was if she is undiagnosed, it isn't your fault. Unless she gets some serious help and puts in a lot of work, this is going to be a pattern- unstable, chaotic relationships. You can give and give, but no matter what she would've come up with a reason.

I think being devalued also makes it really easy to blame ourselves, because often times our exes with BPD don't take any accountability for their own actions- everything gets blamed on us. When I was being devalued my ex accused me of being the reason she self-harmed. She blamed me for her anorexia, for her scars. She blamed me for all of her unhappiness.  I am not responsible for those things. I know I loved her and supported her and took care of her. I have to just accept that she is sick. Even now sometimes it is hard, sometimes I blame myself. She posts things on social media about how she is "finally healing" and "with a healthy love." But she used to say all of that to me, too, when we first were together.

It isn't you and it isn't me. I'm not saying I was PERFECT in the relationship, and I doubt you were either, no one ever is. But if someone was truly healthy and able to foster a good relationship, they would be forgiving of some mistakes, especially with all of the self-sacrifice I'm sure you put in.

My ex was only diagnosed with BPD part way through our relationship, and looking back, there ARE a lot of things I would have done differently had I known. But how could I? I couldn't know how to support and cope for someone with BPD if I didn't know she had it. I have to let that go. I can't blame myself for something I didn't know, and all I can do is know I was always doing my best and I did a really good job at that.

It can be so easy to blame ourselves, especially when we feel like our exes blame us, too. But remember, everyone on this message board is trying to make sense of things that are essentially irrational.

Be forgiving to yourself.

[once removed]

a person breaking up a long term relationship is rarely the fault of one party. theyre not typically about one conflict (if perhaps you didnt go out that night or paid more attention).

long term relationship breakdown usually looks something like this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

its about a series of conflict that is intractable. some couples fight a lot, for example, but still love each other and otherwise have a happy and healthy relationship.

its about a dysfunctional dance where both partners are not on the same page. you do A, she does B, she does A, you do B, maybe each of you try C and D with bad results. its about both parties responding to each other in a dysfunctional way that contributes to the relationship breaking down over time.

sometimes its about incompatibility. your ex wasnt very respective of your freedom. that was always going to be tough.

most of this stuff becomes clearer over time. you write a narrative of the relationship, and you rewrite it and rewrite it. and eventually you arrive at a balanced perspective that isnt attached to the hurt and pain and emotion. you own your stuff, you let her own hers, and you feel okay with it.

i pulled away emotionally and physically for the last two months of my relationship. not a recipe for relationship success right? while i pulled away she mourned and grieved the relationship and began to move on. i wasnt aware of that, and when i was ready to recommit myself, she was ready to end it. was it my single act of pulling away that killed the relationship? no. was it what she did that caused me to pull away that killed the relationship? no. it was a much bigger picture of conflict from the beginning and things about each other that we couldnt accept.

for now, beating yourself up or taking all the blame isnt going to be constructive and theres nothing to be done about it now, but what is constructive is learning from it, and taking your new found knowledge into future relationships.

[confusedbloke]

Hi Once... .

Nice to speak again... must be over a year!
Yeah what you are saying is completely true... .and thanks for the article...
I did a similar thing toward the end. I pulled away also. We had broken up / made up so many times I'd lost count. On the second to last occasion my head was so messed up because she didn't respond for 7 days. At that point I thought Ok, it's definitely over. I met a woman on a Friday night. We chatted and we ended up going on a date the next day. It was ok but wasn't right of course... so what did I do? A few days later I contacted exBPDgf and told her what I had done... .and unbeknownst to me, she started her grieving and mourning process then. She called me a cheat every time we argued... .it was her go to argument. But it was something other the week before... .then we went in holiday with my kids and again, she got drunk and started on me... .even though she promised she wouldn't coz I had the kids... .I was physically sick... .couldn't breathe and when we got home, I ended it again. And that was the last time.
So yea I feel guilty about that, but at the time I knew it would have ended it... .and I guess that's what I wanted... .  but really it wasn't... .but something had to give... .
And now she's moved on and I'm still in the land of grieving. I know given time I'll be ok... .it's just hard to comprehend because I just wanted her but she never believed me, because of who she was. And I need to understand that. I really did want her... .but no amount of explaining worked... .so yeah... .now I'm hurting but Yes, it was a complex interaction of how we were together

[confusedbloke]

It wasn't the wisest move I've ever made in my life... .but my head was so so messed up... .I adored this woman... and she continually let me down... .but it's happened and tbh im not sure if its guilt or an act to end it... .maybe it was part revenge for everything she's thrown at me... .I remember after that festival that I was going to end it... .but I didn't... .because the next day she was lovely... .and that's been my life for 2.5 years... .the constant falling out with me... .I didn't know what was right  or what was wrong... .and nothing I did was ever good enough... .and I really tried... .in the end shes gone and its not what i ever wanted... .but in the end I did... .just hurts I guess

[once removed]

so what did I do? A few days later I contacted exBPDgf and told her what I had done

whyd you do this part (the telling her part, not the going on a date part)?

[Skip]

Question: Does anyone ever feel like it's all their fault?

Answer:

I agree with sadboi, "it's really common to blame yourself at the end of any relationship, to look back and say "if only I had done this... .". And we need to ask questions after we get past the emotions of the breakup, but is this the question? Is a broken relationship about "fault" or is it about incompatibility? Sure, fault is a factor if one party blow the relationship up with infidelity, or domestic violence, or conflict with family members, etc., but short of these things, its more a question of compatibility.

I'm sure I would have thought it was my fault if I didn't know she had BPD.

NotOverHer, you are right, if your partner has BPD traits and a history of broken relationships, no question that this is a factor. But, I would be careful to write it all off on this.

There is something to be learned in every relationship failure and we don't want to miss the opportunity to learn for the future of our love life. These relationships tend to uncover things about  ourselves - our "relationship picker", our approach to conflict, our attachment insecurities, etc.

[confusedbloke]

I said it in another argument... .i guess it was to perhaps feel attractive, feel that i want some emotion from her. Feel that she cared...

But she never cared... so be it

[Skip]

We had broken up / made up so many times I'd lost count. On the second to last occasion my head was so messed up because she didn't respond for 7 days. At that point I thought Ok, it's definitely over. I met a woman on a Friday night. We chatted and we ended up going on a date the next day. It was ok but wasn't right of course... so what did I do? A few days later I contacted exBPDgf and told her what I had done... .and unbeknownst to me, she started her grieving and mourning process then. She called me a cheat every time we argued... .it was her go to argument.

Well, there is a lesson here for the future... .don't get jumpy when a girlfriend breaks up with you. My rule of thumb is to not pronounce anything "dead" until you are 6-8 weeks out.

It wasn't the wisest move I've ever made in my life... .

Guys do this all the time and get burned by it. Many women consider this over-the-line. It's done. You learned.

im not sure if its guilt or an act to end it... .maybe it was part revenge for everything she's thrown at me... .

Guilt?
Act to end it?
Revenge?

None of these sound right to me. How about fear?

Lot's of guys have made this play. You are not alone.

I didn't know what was right  or what was wrong... .and nothing I did was ever good enough... .and I really tried... .in the end shes gone and its not what i ever wanted... .but in the end I did... .just hurts I guess

This is really where you want to focus your postmotem, I think. Not on the last chapter (the Saturday date).

Something was broken if you two were breaking up over and over to the point that it was normal. It sounds like she was struggling with her own hyper-vulnerability and picking the relationship and you apart and you broke down... .

[confusedbloke]

Hi Skip... .

Yes it was over the line and TBH I think in a way I did it because I knew that it would end it (to answer your question too, Once) and it took me a while to apologise for it.  But back then I wasn't of sane mind.  I wasn't rational anymore.  I was completely messed up.  Ive always been very rational, but being with this woman had driven me to a place I never want to go to again.  Id become her in the end and I didn't want the r/s anymore.  BUT it had to be her that made her mind up to not have the r/s anymore.  I kept going back after ending it.  Id been treated poorly and was desperate to get my sanity back again.  I went on the date to see if there were anyone nice out there and it turned out she had issues, admitting that shes a co-dependant... .so I panicked and wanted my ex back... .We got back together and within 2 days we had a fight again.   Then I told her in the heat of the moment. And the moment I told her she called me every name under the sun, ending each text with "f***** cheat".  I knew in the back of my mind it was over.  I wanted it to be over but was frightened to let go, because my self-esteem was no more.  She had broken me to the point where I was too weak and couldn't get out of the r/s.  I did not know who I was, what I was doing, my whole world was consumed by this woman... .  Our r/s was pure toxicity... .utterly awful, and once she shouted at me drunk again, when the kids were in the next bedroom on holiday... .that was that.  No more.  I don't want my kids to see this negativity as they are lovely... .

I went about the ending in the only desperate way I could think of... .I regret hurting her with the date, but I don't regret the outcome... .  Its just taking some time to deal with the reality... .But I'm getting better everyday, and I no longer think about her 24/7.  I woke up this morning and it must have been 20 mins before I thought about her... .  That's the first time since I met her...   I'm not going to feel bad about what I did... .  I was just desperate and had lost my mind... .

[Skip]

That pretty much is my question. I'm up and down on the situation and just wondered if anyone thinks it's us that messed things up. If perhaps i didnt go out that night or if I had paid more attention... .oh I dunno... .I guess I know the answer... .but just wanted to know peoples thoughts... .

Was this a question or a statement?

[confusedbloke]

This is quite amusing... .exBPDGF never put question marks on her texts... .another way to bamboozle me... .and manipulate me... .  and I guess I picked that up from her!

With question mark... .


I'm up and down on the situation and just wondered if anyone thinks it's us that messed things up?

[Aesir]

I feel that the years that I spent trying to be  understanding and a fixer was my fault. I made bad choices out of both ignorance and willful blindness. Now... I'm where I feared I would be. Alone... .and it's my fault.

[confusedbloke]

You were just being you and they were just being them. You had no idea about BPD. Like any of us. You learned about it like us. Don't be too harsh on yourself. You did what you do best and that's to care. It's just unfortunate, like me, that you chose a person that cannot understand what we did / do for them and have it appreciated.  I may be wrong but that's how I feel right now... .I'm sure it's part of the grieving process... .but I've begun to detach now and start to enjoy life again