it is time to take action

[grandmag]

   I have spent the last 4 hours writing down what I will be reporting to cps tomorrow. My counselor is behind me 100% I am reporting from her office, and she will be adding to it and asking cps to interview the boys at school. She believes they will be removed to protective care for 72 hours, then foster care until the courts decide if the parents can regain custody. She believes I can and should provide the foster care.
   I have talked with several friends, all willing to help me move to a 2 bedroom apartment. One just opened where I live now.

  I am mailing a card of encouragement to the boys, at their school, tomorrow-school say that is fine.
   
   Son called late tonight, about something else. I asked if he still thinks the boys should not see me, because I needed to hear what he said. He said yes... .and until I treated dil "right"

   There is no logic to dil not having me under her thumb equals I don't see the boys. My son is very intelligent and very logical. But when it comes to her, she has all the power and control. I cannot believe he thinks the boys not seeing me is the best thing for the boys! I cannot believe he reallly believes that I have done anything at all, to do that to the boys.

   I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally. But, I am functioning and am not going to wait any longer. I believe this is the only thing that can "save" the boys from a life in hell on earth.

   I am nervous about the parents' reaction when cps shows up at their house. Especially my dil. They know where I live, my phone, etc. And they will know it was me who reported, because of what I will report. But, I can keep my door locked, watch as I come and go to appts and shopping. Call the police if I have to. I can protect myself better than the boys can.

   The last time I cried was 6 years ago, at the funeral of my so.
    I cried when my counselor said she was soo proud of me.

   I know this will be hard for the boys... .but... even harder if I do not step up to the plate. At 12, and by all he has been saying to me, I believe the older one is ready to tell the truth. The 8 year old, hard to say.

   But, the hard part will be short compared to all the help they will get, the "secrets" will be aired by trained professionals, not by me.

   Hopefully, my son will see the truth and be a dad again, too. ^-^

               grandmag

[Panda39]

Hi grandmag,

Just wanted to send some     your way.  I know what you are doing isn't easy, it's tough when things get so bad that you need to involve professionals.  I think sometimes though this needs to happen... .a crisis to wake everyone up, to shine a spotlight on a problem, and to get the right help that everyone needs.

For my SO the crisis was a suicide threat by his youngest daughter, she went inpatient for 2 weeks and that was when things finally began to change.

Wishing you well today.  Your grandsons are lucky to have you in their corner.

Panda39

[grandmag]

 

   well, now that part is accomplished. I was with my counselor for an hour and a half this morning. It took a full hour to make my report to cps ( 5 pages, full) and then answer their questions. My hands were shaking so badly that she took the handset from me and put the call on speaker. But, I got through it.

   I left nothing out, and none of it was opinion and none of it was about the relationship between dil and me. But, they did ask me if I thought either parent had mental illness. Oh, brother! I answered that I strongly believed my dil had undiagnosed and untreated BPD, and out of control... .but then, has been for years.

   Outcome, they are putting the case on priority and will start the investigation tomorrow or monday. Wow.
They will interview the boys first, at school.



    If they are removed, counselor believes it will be immediate, especially when cps sees inside the house. Wow.

   My son came over last night right after work... .and said a LOT of things that make his lack of involvement esp about his sons, so clear. I may share that later.

   Involvving cps canbe the beginning of good things. But now, it is up to THEM. No more excuses, denial, fear of her, neglect of everything for the boys, etc. It will finally end. The responsibility for the boys is being placed where it should have been all along. The same with the behavior of the parents.

   They will not be able to hide everything, they will have to face it. And, if they fail to do the right things, they can't blame me and have to answer to the authorities and the judge. I feel relieved in a wierd way.

  As for me, I am drained. I also am nervous and afraid of the hurricane that is about to hit.

   But, I made it over this hurdle and I know I did the right thing, and I am good with that.

   The total outcome, is not my responsibility, and I am ok with that a lot!

              time for snack, prescription and sleep.
                       
                           grandmag

[Notwendy]

Good for you grandmag for sticking up for your grandchildren's welfare and not going along with this illusion that your DIL created ( and your son goes along with).  You are no longer complicit in their situation.

I know this is tough but you did it!. I don't know what the outcome will be. That is out of your hands, but you have taken a big step into owning your truth and not letting the fear of what your DIL will do keep you from that.

[Panda39]

I'm glad you did it, you shined the spotlight on your son's family, now hopefully your grandson's will start getting the help and support they need.  I also think it was smart on your part to make the call with your Therapist so you also had the help and support you needed to get it done.

I've had to call the police on my neighbors a couple of times in my life and I know what that shaky Adrenalin filled phone call can feel like... .lucky your therapist had that speakerphone! 

Keep us posted on how things shake out we are here when you need us. 

Panda39

[Turkish]

grandmag,

I wanted to jump into this thread to keep updated. It's the filth, neglect, health concerns, and hoarding which are the main concerns here,  yes? I think we get that the emotional stuff is a given... .

T

[grandmag]

   Turkish:

   Yes, all that plus physical abuse... .hitting, pinching, bruises... .someof which I have seen happen myself, and also seen the bruises.

    I have seen her hit the older boy on the side of the head for some time, and reported that. I have been in the car with her when she is driving and pinches the boys' legs hard, because they made any noise at all. A neighbor of mine has called me, saying she saw dil yank the younger one out of the car, throwing him down onto the pavement of the parking lot. ( I could not see that, my apt is in the back)
When I have seen the bruises on their arms, my fingers touching lightly, the bruises match where the fingers go.

   The rest of the report to cps covered a long history of health neglect, lack of follow up up dr visits that actually did happen, the condition of the house by hoarding, the inability to use the bathroom tub or sink due to a plumbing leak that has not been repaired for months, the stacks of dirty dishes sitting around, no use of the washing machine for years due to an electrical problem in the basement for years, the carpets having cat urine build-up, the stove door having broken and never replaced with only raw insulation for a door, basemente foundation cracks and mildew and mold, unresolved.

   I cnnot keep typing this, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

   I talked with the police last night, and they recommend that I get a protective order immediately, carry my phone all the time and call them if dil comes to my place at all right now.

   The stress and tension at this time is causing me heath issues also... .lack of sleep, stomach issues, diabetic blood sugar spikes over 250. I am in a state of real anticipation of even more attack to me, not knowing exactly when, from whom, or how.

   My son is my only child, and for now, he is under her domination and control. Not only is he "not present" his children, he is attacking me emotionally, verbally, etc. It is hard to accept that he has let himself get to thispoint. He is her victim too and her rescuer, and SAYS he has no choice. He used to be a "good dad" and close to me... .no more. He has given up to her illness and his only concern is to try to keep the peace at home because "I live with her".

   I am overwhelmed at this point with all of it. I knew it was getting worse, but not this bad. So, it is what it is and I am just trying to survive also. I trust the protection services to do what is needed, but for now, I am the target of a very sick woman and my own son as well.


                    grandmag

[Panda39]

Hi grandmag,

The police gave you good advice.  Be proactive and protect yourself. 

It's natural that you are feeling anxiety, you unfortunately are waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.   

Don't forget to take care of you through this.   

Do you have a pretty place near you to go for a walk?  I find that getting outside in the sunshine and getting exercise can help my mood and is always good for our bodies (burning some energy could help with your sleep, it certainly is a positive for your blood sugar).  Why not invite a friend and get moving for a half an hour? 

Any good movies you've wanted to see for awhile?  2 hours of escapism might do you some good.

Are you a crafter or gardener?  Get those hands busy, focus on making/growing something.

Take Care,
Panda39

[grandmag]

   First, thank you to all who have supported me in so many ways since I found you! I wish we could have met under different circumstances... .

   I am soo tired... .sleep has been short, anxiety high for 3 days. I have not heard from my son since thursday evening... .a text... .not antagonistic. I cannot think about what these last 7 days have been like for the boys, or my heart won't work.

   I have friends, real friends... .sane friends... and they are keeping close.
   Last night I decided to call my son's oldest and closest friend. He moved to another state, but they keep contact and trade yearly visits to each other. Son's friend kind of was like a second son to me when they were in high school.
   He was not available, but I talked with his wife for a lonnnng time and we did some crying. They were here 2 years ago, and were at my son's house and came to mine for dinner. She told me they were SHOCKED when they were at son's house... .at the conditions. When they confronted dil about it, she said she is "so busy with PTA and stuff... just no time... ." She also said the oldest boy, 10 at the time, pulled her to his room and showed her his mattress being urine soaked, and asked if she could get him a clean one! They offerred to buy a mattress, but the parents said they would do it. (Last year I did buy one, and they gave it to the younger grandson)
   She also talked about the younger one, not eating,,,etc etc.
   
   Dil told them he is just picky (same thing she tells me)

   After a while, she said who is calling cps... .you or us?

   We talked over an hour... .she said my son and dil have been a lil distant... .and dil complains that I don't treat her right. Son's friend will be calling him at the end of the week, and he doesn't mince words. I am hoping he can hel my son where I can't.

   I am call cps tomorrow... .see about fostering, etc. Hard to wait.

   Meanwhile, am packing up to move to bigger apartment... .I am doing that whether I foster or not. Checking out furniture prices for boys' room. Trying to keep mindful of what needs doing each day while waiting.Watering my garden. Reading a novel. Playing with my cat.

   Things may be hard, but not impossible.

   I pray for the people who post hear, and their families.

                           grandmag


   

[Turkish]

You are doing the right thing.  From what you describe,  the living conditions are such that neglect will be obvious, even if the kids aren't forthright with CPS. The latter is possible.  When a CPS worker investigated me and my mother when I was 12, it crossed my mind to tell him about the verbal and borderline physical abuse.  Of the case worker had caught up with its months prior, my mother might have gone to jail,  but by then we were living in a cab over camper with propane to cook.  My 13 year old mind reasoned thusly: "do I want to go back into foster care,  or stick it out 5 more years until I'm 18 and can move out?" Interestingly, my mother asked me over 20 years later why I didn't tell the CPS worker about "the other stuff." At 13, I perceived a T failing me,  so I didn't exactly trust the authorities either. 

I entertained suicide a few times,  but stuck it out and moved out upon my 18th birthday when I could sign a lease as an adult.  Never spent a night back.  Ever.

However this plays out,  and depending upon how the kids react,  tell them you know a guy who survived it. 

Hopefully the friend and his wife will be willing to talk to CPS. They won't get in trouble,  not being mandatory reporters.

[Panda39]

grandmag,

Hang in there 

I'm glad  you reached out to your son's friend, it sounds like it was comforting to talk with his wife and validating too... .she (and her husband) saw what you saw and are willing to corroborate that with CPS.

Glad to hear you are busy packing, watering and have your cat for company... .all those things will make the time move a little bit faster.  Maybe try a youtube mediation or relaxation exercise it might help you to be more relaxed at bedtime.

You're in my thoughts,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

Their living conditions sound terrible and I hope CPS sees enough physical evidence to take action.
I am glad you spoke up under this situation.

Mine was different. My parents had the means to take care of us by hiring household help and that was a good thing. The house was clean, we had clean clothes and were taken care of. I am grateful for that. However, it also hid the emotional dysfunction that went on behind closed doors. If we kids said anything about it, nobody believed us. ( except my fathers FOO).

Abuse/neglect is hard to prove- and although the children's living conditions are terrible, it may be that they help CPS establish what is going on.

[grandmag]

   

   I cannot believe it has only been 5 days since I called cps... .so far, no powder keg explosion. I wish I knew what they have done so far!
    I have secured my new 2 bedroom apartment. I will be moved in less than 30 days. Four friends have volunteered to help pack and be there on moving day too. I cried today when one long-term friend offerred to hire 2 men and a truck, if we need it. I have a friend coming in 2 days to start heping with packing, another next week. The new apasrtment is BIG! besides having 2 bedrooms, it is 234 square feet bigger than where I am now. The garbage dumpster is literally right around the corner, hidden, and free of gravel (I walk with a walker so the pavement has to be gravel-free). The curb cut and my handicap parking spot is literally at the end of the sidewalk from my door, and I can see my parked car from inside my apartment.The playground is only at the other end of the parking lot. The sidewalk leads straight to the property manager's ofc.The view is of the back, no parking lot, huge willow trees and lots of green grass.Perfect!

   Tonight, I made a sketch of the floor plan, to draw in where my furniture will go.I have plenty of space, and then some.

   My next door neighbor's daughter is the girl my grandson has played with for 5 years... .teehee

   The car I bought last saturday, is from the car dealership where my son works. They are going to clean the headlights of my car, and finish one repair. I opted to have them pick it up and bring me a loaner, to keep some distance right now from my son (sad about this)He has been texting me abut the details of my business with the car, and today I told him I am taking care of it... .period.

   I have not heard from dil since the day she stormed out of here. She unfriended me on facebook... .no loss.

   My son's best friend over 20 years, called me from out of state last night.He is very upset, and said son is not the same person he has known for so long... .he is calling him on sunday.

   I have been able to sleep 8 hours the last 2 nights... .but sitting at the edge of a cliff.

   I just need to know what cps is doing! I have not seen or heard from the boys for 9 days... .and this situation is volatile.

   I called the schools... .the boys got their cards from me and a teacher is calling me in the morning.I wonder if she has smelled her students' drawers... .

   So... .that is the update and I have been so busy that I need to clone myself   Still, the anxiety is high... .

   Still praying for everyone in here and their families... we need it too.

                          grandmag   

[Notwendy]

Grandmag-

I imagine any agency would work on their own time schedule. I can't imagine they let cases sit for too long but they also have to work with the cases they have- so they will have to deal with it, it would be hard to know exactly what their time frame is.

Congratulations on the move- it is a new beginning for you, no matter what happens with your son's family. It also seems you have some good friends- spend time with them. I know your wishes for the kids, but make this new place about you- decorate it, enjoy it, meet your neighbors. This is your home.

And your new car. I am glad you set a boundary between your business with the car and your son. This doesn't mean you don't care about him- you do, but you have stepped off the triangle by not involving him in something you need or want. This keeps the DIL out of your business too. This is between you and the car sales, not them. Good for you. A boundary is about us, not to affect someone else, but this kind of boundary " I am my own person" - getting off the triangle- is a step out of their drama. You + Car is not a triangle. There isn't an emotional element to the relationship. You+ Car need+ Son is a potential triangle.

Family patterns don't often change instantly. When one person changes their dynamics, it has the effects of the others feeling a sense of off balance- this is new. Your son is texting you - and you are saying " I've got this". This is new. Note this isn't about him - you aren't saying " I don't want/need your help" . "I've got this" ( the move, the car) is different. Good for you.

[Panda39]

Grandmag,

What I hear in your post is your hopefulness and love for your grandsons.  I also hear that you are back to your more authentic self.  As hard as all of this is you did what you needed to do not just for your grandsons but what you needed to do for you (this whole situation was eating at you)... .a refection of your values.

Yay! you finally got some sleep (where is the sleeping emoji when you need one?)

I can also see that taking action is helping you cope with the waiting.  Your new place sounds great not just because of the extra room but it sounds like it will make things easier for you too. Combined with a new car you are on the way to a fresh start. 

Your friends sound absolutely terrific!

I agree with Notwendy, CPS is a bureaucracy and will work at it's own pace, and don't be surprised if you hit some bumps in the road, unfortunately a lot of what happens now is out of your control.

It will be interesting to hear what the teacher has to say.

So keep busy it seems to be working for you and do something nice for those wonderful friends you have!

Panda39

[grandmag]

   Eventually, you wake up, even from a nightmare... .

    spent 90 minutes with my dr... .she knows now... she prescribed pills for
sleep when I need them, all my vitals are super good, weight and bmi perfect, she is ordering physical therapy for osteoasrthritis in   all my joints... a mild pain pill if I need it, a mammogram, a dexa scan... .said when I did cry... yu are doing the right thing, don't falter now and don't give up... .the system can be slow but now your grandchildren have a hope for a future... .of course that is when I cried.

   I went to Bingo tonight   never went before... .needed a break from the drama.

   See my counselor tomorrow... .thank you.

   Son's best friend is sending sheets for the boys' beds fed-ex and is planning a weekend trip here in November.

   I get to stay home ALL DAY friday thank you.

  I am always logged in even when I have logged out here.


Grandmag

[Turkish]

I'm glad that you have help moving,  and it's good that the friend is aware now and taking action.  Sometimes in situations like this,  it's good to shine a spotlight (or sunlight) on a situation which is hidden. Some things need to be spot lighted in order to effect change.  So many suffer behind closed doors,  lacking advocates.