Getting Some Value

[MrRight]

Am back on this board now - from the tolerating board - as I have taken a fresh look at things.

the truth is I'm going nowhere at present and have to deal with my life as it is now and get some personal value out of my marriage and life.

We had sex last night for the first time in ages and it was much better than usual. I spoke to her today about this and we had quite an open talk about how to improve our sexual connection.

This was great - but when we got home she suddenly blew up over something that was her own doing (trivial) - came at me with a knife when I tried to laugh it off - and eventually cooled off and apologised.

Christ this is going to be hard but I can just sense, if we can get a real sexual connection going - things might just improve on the big range of issues.

any thoughts comments would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Am back on this board now - from the tolerating board - as I have taken a fresh look at things.

the truth is I'm going nowhere at present and have to deal with my life as it is now and get some personal value out of my marriage and life.

Christ this is going to be hard but I can just sense, if we can get a real sexual connection going - things might just improve on the big range of issues.

any thoughts comments would be appreciated.

This is a great attitude to have. What brought about the fresh attitude? I think it's important to try to get value out of your marriage, even if it is not perfect or even close to what you would hope for it to be. I believe there is always a ray of hope.

Not to be a debbie downer though, just remember that although many times someone with BPD has a breakthrough moment, that doesn't mean it will last. I really hope that she will be able to carry through with the things you discussed in regards to the connection. I always say take those moments and run with them. Soak up every bit of goodness out of it.

Does your wife think the sexual connection is a part of what has been missing too?

[sweetheart]

Hi MrRight,

I want to pick up on the knife situation as it's what jumped out of your post at me. You say 'she came at you with a knife' what does that actually mean, were you in danger and is this something that you have had to deal with before?

Back to the subject of sex. I suspect your desire to talk about your love making the next day could have been very triggering for your wife, leaving her feeling perhaps emotionally quite vulnerable.
I wonder if in these early stages of reconnecting physically with each other whether it might be safer to enjoy the moment, but not to pursue it further through discussion until things are more stable between you.

[MrRight]

This is a great attitude to have. What brought about the fresh attitude? I think it's important to try to get value out of your marriage, even if it is not perfect or even close to what you would hope for it to be. I believe there is always a ray of hope.

Not to be a debbie downer though, just remember that although many times someone with BPD has a breakthrough moment, that doesn't mean it will last. I really hope that she will be able to carry through with the things you discussed in regards to the connection. I always say take those moments and run with them. Soak up every bit of goodness out of it.

Does your wife think the sexual connection is a part of what has been missing too?

I think I asked myself the question - of what use is she to me? she doesnt really cook (without a major fuss), doesnt drive, doesnt work, is overbearing company etc etc. And in the end I could only think of 1 possible use - as a reasonably attractive and still youngish female I ought to be getting some sexual use out of her - but dont. Why? So i ran through with this train of reasoning and realised I was creating barriers - oh she's such a brute - I cant have a relationship with someone like this - etc etc. Now I have arrived at the VFM question - value for money. time is money - and she takes up all my time - I should be getting some return. And sex is the only way I can get this return so I am prepared to do what is necessary - will need to invest a little more to get the return.
As she has always been prepared to have sex with me - and is quite a normal woman in that regard - there is no reason why it should not work.
Yes I understand this could be a false dawn. But I will try.

[MrRight]

Hi MrRight,

I want to pick up on the knife situation as it's what jumped out of your post at me. You say 'she came at you with a knife' what does that actually mean, were you in danger and is this something that you have had to deal with before?

Back to the subject of sex. I suspect your desire to talk about your love making the next day could have been very triggering for your wife, leaving her feeling perhaps emotionally quite vulnerable.
I wonder if in these early stages of reconnecting physically with each other whether it might be safer to enjoy the moment, but not to pursue it further through discussion until things are more stable between you.

It's not a serious attack - she could stick a knife in my back any time if she chose to.
I think it's a cry for understanding, unpleasant as it is.
Things will never be stable to a point where it is right to try and make our sex lives worthwhile - no point in waiting after 17 years of stalemate. She seemed to get quite excited by the discussion so I think it's ok to explore this further - we will no doubt be touching on some sensitive areas - but I suppose that's the idea.

[MrRight]

Does your wife think the sexual connection is a part of what has been missing too?

I think she has felt neglected yes. We are both quite shy in this respect and it's a big deal for me to open up - plus she was a V when I met her so most of what she knows is through me. When I saw in the early days what I had married - I did close up a lot. But i was so exhausted in the early years with bringing up the child etc, and coping with her too - my sex life was the last thing on my mind.

[Radcliff]

Hello Mr. Right, you mentioned a feeling that sex was the only way you could get a return on the investment of your time.  Any marriage, and in particular one involving a pwBPD, requires a huge amount of energy.  Over the course of your marriage, have there been any other ways that the marriage has had value for you?

How old is your child?  Do the three of you spend time together?  How does it go? Are there valuable/rewarding experiences there?

[MrRight]

Hello Mr. Right, you mentioned a feeling that sex was the only way you could get a return on the investment of your time.  Any marriage, and in particular one involving a pwBPD, requires a huge amount of energy.  Over the course of your marriage, have there been any other ways that the marriage has had value for you?

How old is your child?  Do the three of you spend time together?  How does it go? Are there valuable/rewarding experiences there?

hello bluesbrother

I have posted several times explaining my story etc.
we can have good times as a family. she seems to be happy when we all go out to a nice place, particularly if its new. but even in these situations - me and my S14 can suddenly find ourselves with Mrs Hyde.

but anyway I like it when she goes out for the day - that's great.

[Tattered Heart]

I think I asked myself the question - of what use is she to me? she doesnt really cook (without a major fuss), doesnt drive, doesnt work, is overbearing company etc etc. And in the end I could only think of 1 possible use - as a reasonably attractive and still youngish female I ought to be getting some sexual use out of her - but dont. Why? So i ran through with this train of reasoning and realised I was creating barriers - oh she's such a brute - I cant have a relationship with someone like this - etc etc. Now I have arrived at the VFM question - value for money. time is money - and she takes up all my time - I should be getting some return. And sex is the only way I can get this return so I am prepared to do what is necessary - will need to invest a little more to get the return.
As she has always been prepared to have sex with me - and is quite a normal woman in that regard - there is no reason why it should not work.
Yes I understand this could be a false dawn. But I will try.

I'm going to push a little here. Is sex all that you need in order to feel fulfilled in this marriage?

Is it fair to her to be seen as only something you get value from?

What value does she get from you? How are YOU contributing to the value of this relationship?

[MrRight]

I'm going to push a little here. Is sex all that you need in order to feel fulfilled in this marriage?

Is it fair to her to be seen as only something you get value from?

What value does she get from you? How are YOU contributing to the value of this relationship?

what I wrote probably seems hard and unfair.

How am I contributing?

like this:

- brought considerable material assetts into the marriage (house/money/an income) (she brought 0)
- have supported her financially for 17 years - in this time she has not worked at all
- supported her morally whenever I could, however I could - and continue to do so
- prevented - according to her - her certain suicide if I left her
- driven our son to and from school for the last 8 years - plus supported financially considerable private lessons/education
- assisted her in the house when she needs it - finds her phone, items of clothing etc etc
- proof read all her courseworks while she did 1 bachelor degree and 1 masters - plus listened and helped to evaluate her ideas etc


I could go on but it will get even more boring than it is now

Sex would be at least something in return for all this - as I have to spend all my time with her - many or most on this board are not lumbered 24/7 with their pwBPD SO. I get hardly any time to do my own things.

She seems to be prepared to co-operate on sex if NOTHING else.

I might as well take advantage of this. dont you agree? as there is really nothing else I particularly value in her to warrant having her as a lifetime partner.

[Turkish]

When she came at you with the knife,  how did she come at you,  and how did you de-escalate or disarm her?

[MrRight]

When she came at you with the knife,  how did she come at you,  and how did you de-escalate or disarm her?

she lifted the knife as if to attack. I just backed off and stopped reacting.

[Skip]

From another thread:

In my case I left with our S5 - reported my W to the P for domestic violence etc. Went to live with my relations.

She was arrested and charged - denied everything. The P would need my testimony in court to get a conviction.

With no plan in place - and stuck with my relatives - deprived of the family home - I cracked and went back to her. From that moment on she was well in charge. Behaved herself to a degree while charges were hanging over her - pressured me to retract my statement - I refused to do this as I thought it might end up with me being charged for wasting police time. Like you I was told I had to clear up the mess I had made - I had betrayed the family etc. To this day she throws it in my face. Had I known I was going to go back to her I never would have done it.

So the charges were dropped when the P realised we had "reconciled"

In a way you are in a no win scenario - if they charge - you will be expected to give evidence - and this will be destructive in your family as she will always see you as a traitor - and she may call you a traitor and throw it in your face whenever she can if they don't charge - in this case she may feel she has scored a victory - if the police wont charge - it may be a vindication - she could become worse not better. Mine had a quiet period - but soon went back to normal and worse - even when we had social services visiting us - nothing would deter her.

The thinking on this board seems to be that police action can be used successfully to make her accountable for her behaviour. Perhaps it works in some cases but it is a very risky strategy. I would call it a strategy of last resort - it was for me - and due to my lack of a plan, poor financial situation and general weakness of character - I failed. I hope it works out in your case.

What are you thinking, going forward? It's a hard question and I'm not asking in a detailed way, but rather, are you ready to let go and go with her flow?

[MrRight]

From another thread:

What are you thinking, going forward? It's a hard question and I'm not asking in a detailed way, but rather, are you ready to let go and go with her flow?

Going with he flow? I dont have much choice in that.

As for my strategy to beef up our sex life - I failed with that too - I kept it going for a week or so - and then my desires just flat lined. She attacked me again over trivial things and it killed me sexually inside. It's happened before.

[Skip]

Going with he flow? I dont have much choice in that.

Why do you feel you have no choice?