Who remembers their first red flag?

[confusedbloke]

(3 weeks into the relationship)

I used to go to Salsa with a female colleague of mine.  We were good friends.

My ex came to meet me.  I introduced my friend, and the ex just scowled at her, mumbled "Hi" and looked her up and down. She then turned her back on her and leaned on the bar. 

I was embarrassed TBH.  They all know at work that Im a fun friendly person, who is certainly not rude or ignorant.  I remember thinking "thats a bit rude"... .But just dismissed it... . 

Little did I know that would have been as pleasant as she ever would have been to anyone of the female sex that knew me.  But when I met people she knew I was really nice to them... .

That in itself is not a deal breaker, but its something I will look out for in future. 

All my other exes were very pleasant to people.

[nonbpdis-m]

Yes good topic.  I remember mine.

Making sure a girl who had a glass thrown at her was ok, in view of my uBPDx = rage.   

Number 2 was after giving my ex-ex a peck on the cheek in the supermarket to say hello, in view of my uBPDx = rage number 2.   

[Sunfl0wer]

Sitting in the back seat of the car with his 8 yr old up front beside him.
Kinda set the tone for the rest to come.
Severely enmeshed with kid issues that evolved into teen homocidal issues.  That kid was in charge, she stayed in charge of dad as a teen until it was not sustainable for another woman to be by his side.

He seemed only able to attach to one of us and always acting like it was a choice.
Confused the heck outta me as I saw us all able to get along just fine and seem enhancing to all hanging out as a group/family.

Not really sure why he felt he could only love or attend to one person at a time.  I suppose his enmeshment issues only allowed one attachment?

[Edin]

The first red flag was a discussion on the phone, I think it must have been like 3 months into the relationship. He was telling me about burglaries happening in his neighborhood. So I said it may be better to double lock his front door, just to be safe. His response was that he didn't want to because he knew it wouldn't make any difference.  As he is an experienced handyman and he had put many locks on doors, he knew how easy it is to break them. Also, there was a light in front of his door, so that would scare potential burglars off more than enough.

Anyway, I just explained I had been burgled myself not so long ago, it is one of those things that you think won't happen to you, but it can, I had experienced it myself. Then he got more offended, he 'wasn't going to make his home a prison'. And when I just wanted to end the discussion jokingly and lovingly, by saying 'and if you would just lock the door for me, to put my mind at ease', he couldn't play along, he was actually kind of cross with me.

That was the first time I thought there was something off, I mean, he could have just said he would lock his door, to take away my worries, and then just not do it. I wouldn't have mind.

Many and much worse discussions would follow later in the relationship. I would say suggest something, he would take it the wrong way, I would say something to explain myself better, he would take it the wrong way again, I would the say something to keep the peace, he would take it the wrong way again and again and again, and so on and so on... .it was exhausting... .

[Frankee]

I think there was a few for me before.  However, one moment sticks out in my head.  We have two boys.  One is from a previous relationship.  So at the time I had one child.  It was after a night of drinking, partying, and wild passionate romping.  My child was staying with my parents and he asked me something about kids and if I found the right person.  I was still pretty hung over but I remember saying something to the degree of, why would I want to take that risk of getting involved deeply enough with someone, having another child, and ending up in the same boat I am now.  At the time was a single mom, who hadn't finished college, and going through an extremely volatile horrible break up/custody battle.  My ex lost because some felony charges came out and he ended up going to prison. 

That moment has stuck in my head like glue.  My gut was screaming at me to jump ship, but I ignored it because he wasn't that kind of guy...   Now I basically take care of two kids like a single mom majority of the time, with a spouse that has a whacked out mental disorder and says he would destroy me if I ever tried taking the kids... .aaand there it is.   He knew... .I straight up told him what I thought and how I felt.  I can never tell him that.  That would opening a Pandora's box that I don't dare touch.  So left with the moment in my head where I should had listened to my instinct. 

[SuperJew82]

Finding her texting her baby-daddy late at night after she said she never heard from him. Stealing my prescription medication? Thinking EVERYTHING I did was awesome and interesting ( I know I'm a cool guy, but not thaaat cool )

Everything was just a little over the top. I was pretty fresh out of a divorce and had my blinders on. My friends saw it though.

She was a nurse and only worked 3 days a week. She would come to my place and clean it top to bottom. She insisted she help out as I'm a full time single working dad etc ( she was a single mom too ).

Then to find out her apartment was a horrible disaster. So many red flags. Could have been a North Korea marching army.

[apocalypsenow]

The first red flag for me happened right when we'd first started dating, we'd only just kissed and not even had sex yet (I wanted to take it slowly), she said we needed to talk.  Wow, I thought, already needing to talk?  We're not even serious yet.  So we went for a walk by the water and she starts to tell me how she thinks there's no room in my life for her because my ex and co-worker is taking up all the room, and that my ex was still in love with me.  I explained that my ex was just my co-worker and there was nothing going on between us, and even if it were true she was still in love with me, I did not share the feelings.  And she's my co-worker so of course I'm going to be spending time with her, I can't just not work with her - what did she expect me to do?  But she continued to PUSH (ah the old push/pull) me away during the walk until we got to some picnic tables, where we sat down, side by side, and she PULLED me in for a kiss.  I remember feeling so relieved that she wasn't breaking up with me!  I completely got over my wariness and distrust in an instant and was overjoyed to be given a second chance.  She still wanted to be with me!

And that is where the addiction began, with the push & pull.  The smack down and the build back up.  Me agreeing to the manipulation/humiliation/degradation and my reward for allowing it.  It was a cycle that would repeat over and over and over, every week, for almost two years.  She broke up with me over 100 times during our relationship - on every birthday, holiday and random other times.  And it never really got better, even though I thought it was toward the end when I began to read these boards and sortof figure out how to handle her.  The breakups were so frequent, I would keep all my things in a backpack by the door when I stayed at her house (she didn't like me to put my dirty clothes in her room) and then take them home with me because I didn't dare leave anything at her house in case she'd break up with me during the day and I couldn't get them back.  I even took my contact solution with me because she would throw away anything of mine during the breakup, and I'd have to re-buy it when we got back together.  It was pretty sad.  How badly I let myself be treated, how small of a ghost I became.

But to be honest, I knew from the first red flag she was going to be bad for me, I just didn't care.  I wanted her, I wanted to be with her and that's all I cared about.  I loved that she was "crazy".  I loved her passion and blazing fire that she burned with.  She fascinated me.  She made me feel alive for the first time in what had felt like my whole life.  In a whole new way.  That's why it didn't feel like "abuse".  But it WAS like a drug.  The highs were so high and the lows were so so low.  Like many pwBPD, she had a background of abuse and PTSD, and, in my own bout of narcissism-fueled delusional fantasy, I thought I would be the one to win her love and trust.  I wanted to be her special one.  I wanted to be her wife when she would talk about marrying me.  And I loved her.  (I still love her.)  I didn't understand that she was so broken, and that she would break me too. 

This is my first post but I've been reading on here for a little over 3 years.  bpdfamily helped me out of some very very dark times, and I still come on here when I'm feeling insecure and ruminating too much.  To remember.  Thanks for this thread.

[LoveLostHeart]

I am not entirely sure if this was the first one but it was at least in the early stages of our relationship. Like 1 month in or so.

I took her to a festival in my city where a lot of people I know go to as well. There were many of her friends there as well. While we were waiting in line to get tokens to buy drinks, an old co-worker of mine asked me if I could get tokens for her as well. I did and then we said goodbye and hugged. I worked with her for like 6 years or so so we used to be very close friends.

She never said anything about it that day but somewhere in the days after she started talking about how I always needed to touch other women. She got really really angry about it and I was like WTH?
Should have known then that this would be a relationship with A LOT of problems.

[no_ordinary]

she told me:
it's strange, i wake up and suddenly realize i'm not in love anymore...

 

[Rayban]

Very first date driving to the restaurant got a whole lot of woe is me ... .went on about how her exes were abusive and especially her fiance at 18 who was physically abusive.  Then she talked about her parents were strict with her ... .and then this jewel ... .she's going to watch her only sister like a hawk when she has to jointly settle her parents estate.  Later found out later that her sister was anything but untrustworthy. 

[Jami]

Day 1:
Him heavily smelling of alcohol at 5PM. My gut immediately told me that he has an issue with it, but i thought i could handle.

15 days into the r/s:
Him standing in the kitchen, gladly cooking (he loves to cook) and confidently exposing his professional resume in the most glorious way, as if i was to hire him. His confident posture, tone and "need to impress me" made me think about my narc ex of 10 years ago. The parallel was so strong - and it never went away - that i more than once had to be careful to not call him by my narc ex's name 

30 days into the r/s:
He invited a friend from abroad to dine at my house. He still had his place then, but practically did not live there anymore. His friend was to eat with us, then go sleep at xBPD's place. He was, again, cooking dinner. It was a week-night and i had some work to finish. He knew it was important. I was about to send an email when he claimed dinner was ready, and i replied that i would be there in just a minute. It took me and my son, who was playing downstairs, about 120 seconds to reach the table. He waited until his friend left and my son went to bed, then had his first meltdown. "You embarrassed me in front of my friend", "You and your son are showing such ungratefulness at my standing in the kitchen and cooking for the family" and so on and so forth, crescendo, until reaching the conclusion that our values were too polarised to make the relationship work. He decided he wanted to break up.
The next morning his friend came back, happy and well-rested. I was wrecked from a sleepless night and hours of attempts of reasoning with the BPD counter-logic. I tried to be a good host. BPD didn't break up in the end, but this was only the first of many, many instances.

I would love to be able to say that i was wise. But i wasn't. My resolve is to be smarter next time, and get the red flags before it is too late.

[confused4now]

My first red flag was the first time he arranged to meet up. He had been asking all my friends about me, showing up at meetings and sitting by me ect. He told my friend that he liked me, and wanted to get to know me. After I started casually talking to him, he kinda tracked me down and my friends house. He called and said he was coming over to visit. I thought that was kinda forward, we did not have plans to hang out with him, he just inserted himself in our evening.
  When he came over he was so giddy over me, looking me in the eyes a little intense. When we were getting ready to leave he ask if I was going to an AA meeting the next night. I said No, he said just go I'll meet you there. I said OK, he did not show! He ended up texting me 15 min into the meeting and said he could not make it. Thats the theme that was to be for 5 years. building me up, let me down, keep me off balance... .

[Ironman85]

Many red flags, but I guess it would be when she said I didnt need a condom because she couldnt get pregnant ( we knew each other 6 days and this was the first time we saw each other outside of work)... .the story after was she was told she may not be able to get pregnant because of multiple abortions (I dunno if thats even a thing... .but she sure did get pregnant and fast)

[Reader9]

After our 1st date, in which he asked to come to my home after the date, I replied I wasn't comfortable with that happening yet. Then he was by turns, ice cold on the phone the next day, then the day after that, made a date that was 2 weeks away. I was fine with the 2nd date being 2 weeks away, as it was around Thanksgiving, he had T-Day plans, we were just starting to date, etc. We went on the 2nd date and continued to date. Heavy love-bombing and I was totally smitten, several weeks after the 2nd date, he chose to tell me that he purposely made the 2 weeks-away date as he did to "punish" me, to make me want him and feel bad, because I had said I wasn't comfortable with having him in my home on our 1st date! He actually planned all of this out. And for my part, I accepted it in my own confused and a bit stunned way.

Worse was to come. Wish I'd walked away when he told me what he did. But I didn't, however I've never forgotten that incident. Never again will I let someone treat me that way.

[SkySanta]

When she grabbed my hand, and said "You'll have to trust me if this is going to work."  Gross overstepping of boundaries.

[Wutnow32]

Soo many red flags I decided not to heed. I'm embarrassed to say.