Just realized mother aged 76 has BPD Behavior more and more erratic

[luvyoga]

Hi, Just realized I have a 'family' among children of parents with BPD. It's the validation that you never want, but you know you needed. Is there a listing of local support groups? Her behavior is getting worse by the day and even though we now know what is wrong, she still stays 1 step ahead in the plotting and manipulation. Today's trick was to get extensive facial plastic and neck surgery. Her heart and soul are still rotten no matter what her face looks like.

[coola]

I just figured out my mom has it too, and other relatives. It's hard. It's jaw dropping. It's not easy. It rocks your world.  I just read and read and read and finally pieced it together.  My mom is near your mom's age and she's getting worse and worse too. I think as they age, they feel vulnerable, less in control and more out of control, and that brings out their fear of abandonment tremendously.  So they are much more reactive.  I'm going through the same thing, though when I reflect back on my life, I see it was always there.  I just didn't know it. It's just worse now.

It's painful to be a daughter of BPD mom. I know all the struggles and am still trying to make sense of it all myself.

I'm taking it day by day.  Sending you peace and comfort. I find knowing has its negatives and positives. I do feel like I now know I'm not the troubled one. That's relief, but its painful to know she really is.

[luvyoga]

Thank you for replying, yes so many signs over so many years, the physical and verbal abuse, only told I was hated, never told I was loved. I always convinced myself that she did love me though, and now I have to be hurt all over again to know that she truly does not and cannot! Wow! The pain of that is hard to bear. It's hard, too because my sister 'the good' one cut her off completely when she left for college, so I worked all these years to be the good one, I was only being played. My sister disassociated early on and and had an entirely different relationship with my mom as she was the golden child. At least my sister validates me even though she has very few memories of childhood, she remembers more the physical and verbal abuse my mom heaped on my Dad which continues to this day, we always say it's the war of the roses with them. Now I know why! Just trying to outrun the fiery darts and dull the sting when they do hit meanwhile putting myself in the firing range to help my dad.
 

[coola]

Your situation sounds like mine -- the favorite one left my mom too. I tried to please her, endlessly.  I was played too.  My dad is still stuck in the abuse too. That's good to have a sister who can validate you. I went back to people who knew me as a child and asked their memories. The first person I asked talked about saying what did you remember about my home life when you were in my life (good or bad). They quickly identified unfair blame and manipulation. I was stunned.  I had forgot the memories this person shared with me.  Bless you for trying to help you dad. That's a really hard one because they are so under the BPDs spell.

[Tolly]

I'm in a similar situation. My dad passed away 2 years ago and mums behaviour has got worse since. I always knew there was something wrong but only recently found a book about BPD and realised this described my mum. My sister moved away and she is the golden child. I have always tried my best but never good enough. Things came to a head with a recent outburst so I have now found a therapist to help me, as I don't know what to do next. I want to support mum, but she doesn't accept there is anything wrong with her, and at 76 I doubt she can change, however the stress is making me ill so something has to change. She controlled my dad all the Tim's they were married and is now trying to control me.

[coola]

Just know you are not alone. We are going through the same thing and its challenging. But we can only do so much. They have tied ours hands literally behind our back and covered our mouths with duct tape when you really think about it.