Ex showed up at my house after 10 months NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday after work I saw my exes car going to my house and I didn't think much of it as her and I have not spoken in 10 months and she was engaged 2 weeks after our break up. She is now single and has showed up to my house saying she just realized her mail is being sent to my house and wants to know if I have anything she might need. I told her I did not (I do not keep her mail, I send it back). The whole conversation was about 30 seconds long. I kept it short and did not touch on any other topics. To me this mail thing just seemed like a reason for her to pop up again and the fact that she's now single makes me even more skeptical. The only thing I'm wondering is if I handled this correct or if this just gives her more fuel to keep popping up as I was pretty cold to her. I have a love for her and think of her everyday but I just know I can not go back to her. We've been off and on for 2 years and I'm finally getting back to myself again. I have her blocked on all social media and my phone so she's unable to contact me although she has tried emailing me after a run in we had in which case I totally avoided the email and a month later she showed up to my house. I just don't know what will make her go away but having her pop up makes things really difficult for me. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

[Belizabeth]

Yesterday after work I saw my exes car going to my house and I didn't think much of it as her and I have not spoken in 10 months and she was engaged 2 weeks after our break up. She is now single and has showed up to my house saying she just realized her mail is being sent to my house and wants to know if I have anything she might need. I told her I did not (I do not keep her mail, I send it back). The whole conversation was about 30 seconds long. I kept it short and did not touch on any other topics. To me this mail thing just seemed like a reason for her to pop up again and the fact that she's now single makes me even more skeptical. The only thing I'm wondering is if I handled this correct or if this just gives her more fuel to keep popping up as I was pretty cold to her. I have a love for her and think of her everyday but I just know I can not go back to her. We've been off and on for 2 years and I'm finally getting back to myself again. I have her blocked on all social media and my phone so she's unable to contact me although she has tried emailing me after a run in we had in which case I totally avoided the email and a month later she showed up to my house. I just don't know what will make her go away but having her pop up makes things really difficult for me. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

[Rayban]

You handled it perfectly.  Kept it to a minimum and gave her no reaction to feed on.BPD's have high emotional IQ's they are experts at reading body language and based on her turning around and leaving tells me that she sensed you didn't want her there.

In my opinion they come back after many months, sometimes years to see if they could still pull us back in as a source to feed on. Keep doing what you are doing. Gain confidence in the fact of having enough love and self respect for yourself to stay away from her.

If she comes back I would calmly tell her that she should stop bothering you and move on.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/Rayban.  You handled it extremely well by not feeding the fire.  If she pops in again, I would let her know that it's not OK to show up uninvited and that, in the future, if she needs to reach you, she should contact [a mutual friend, or some other third party].  This is about maintaining good boundaries for yourself.

LuckyJim

[Belizabeth]

I'm a bit confused that you say BPDs have high emotional IQs as I thought borderlines are very stunted in there emotional maturity?

[SuperJew82]

Story seems just like something my exBPDgf would do. They will find some sort of excuse to "pop by". I had to block her from every medium I had. She would say things that were expertly crafted to get an emotional response out of me, and sometimes they would work.

Oh the irony of the woman I love and how if I let her back into my life would surely she would be the end of me. The Universe sometimes sucks man, what can I say.

[snowwhite]

Excellent response to her popping up. Unfortunately, ten months is short. My ex-husband continued to phone for ten years until I finally had my phone unlisted. Then he used our high school reunion site to try to get in touch, over 20 years after we divorced. Just keep doing what you did. You did not break this and you cannot fix it.

[blueblue12]

Belizabeth, I feel for you, like me you are on the road to recovery but these random excuses for contact arrive out of nowhere. I think you handled it extremely well. I have been separated for 9 months now and on NC but every now and then I get the odd enquiry about some trivial matter, which makes me feel ackward to say the least. I often ask my T how to handle it, his response is usually be straight forward and to the point, no emotion and no openings. Like you I love my ex and I think about her on a daily basis but I also know that there is nothing good for me long term, just more suffering so I am staying away and I am certainly not contacting her at all. I have reached the let go phase... .

[babyducks]

I'm a bit confused that you say BPDs have high emotional IQs as I thought borderlines are very stunted in there emotional maturity?

I would agree with Rayban but say it a little differently.   people with the traits of BPD have a very very high emotional sensitivity and read body language, facial expressions, the intangibles of an interaction with a great deal of intensity.

I would not describe pwBPD as having high emotional IQ's because I would define having a high EQ with having four components:

• the capability of individuals to recognize their own and other people's emotions,
• discern between different feelings and label them appropriately
• use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior,
• manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one's goal

BPD exists on a spectrum, not one size fits all but often you will find a lot of ability to recognize emotions (1) with a marked lack of an ability to manage and adjust (4).

Hope this helps

'ducks

[SuperJew82]

I would definitely agree there. They are very receptive. My BPDxgf would always say " what's wrong " or " you have a look on your face " etc when there was nothing I was aware of going on in my head.

[Rayban]

@babyducks

That's exactly what I was trying to convey.  It's an inane ability to read facial expressions and body languages. This is learned from a very young age and honed over the years.

@Super Jew82

My ex would do the same especially if I was specifically angry with her but trying to hide it. She was mostly right. She would also give me the what's wrong ... .spit it ... .or I know you. Sometimes she would call me out on a lip twitch or award blink. She even boated about being an expert in reading people.

[WildernessMan]

My wife wants me gone from the house like YESTERDAY but I'm still here. Based on the fact that she only focuses on me moving out, and not on divorce, I suspect she wants me gone but still paying the bills I've always paid. Mortgage, car payments, insurance, healthcare, etc. All the bigger bills. She pays lots of little stuff.

With that said, if I were to move out, I would expect her to come around at some point in the future. Since she has a history of changing her mind.

We've been married 21 years in March 2017, so I have a very long history with her BPD. Even now, can you believe it, I can not always predict how she will react? Does that tell you something about BPD?

And as the book title says, I have been walking on eggshells for years, trying to not piss her off. Its a hard life I tell ya.

[Belizabeth]

That sounds a bit more accurate on reading body language as my ex always read into everyone's including mine and for the most part there was never any issues w me when she swore there was because my body language was saying one thing but I was feeling another. I wouldn't agree about high emotional IQs tho

[blueblue12]

Hey Super Jew, I had exactly the same experiences with my ex wife, she would often ask me "what's wrong, I know there is something wrong, I can see it in your look" she would often be very sensitive towards analysing my moods... .but at times there was nothing wrong, nothing going on.

[babyducks]

for what it's worth,   one time I got a new pair of glasses,   the lenses just weren't 100% right, and  I was maybe frowning a little, squinting.

my partner kept asking,  what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong and I finally tripped to the fact that she noticed I was frowning through the new glasses.

that's sensitive.   I can't imagine living that way.