If it's what he wants should I know it's the wrong choice?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I keep having the terrible feeling I'm making the wrong choice. I could really use some insight. I have finally decided to end my 15 year marriage to my BPD husband. I got an apartment reservedin a separate city so my 16 year old son could transfer to a school he thought he would be happier at. When my BPDh found out about it he told my son he would buy him a new car with the condition that he live in our current city and stay at his current school. He has this school convinced that he is the good parent and they call him first with all issues.  He told our son the reason was that he was afraid he would lose him if we moved outside the city. Wanting my son to be happy I immediately found an apartment in the city. I'm just wondering if I'm helping to dig my own grave for parental alienation. If it's what the BPD wants all I can know for sure is that it is self serving. I just don't know if it will harm my son and I in the process. It's hard to explain all of the facts of the situation, so I'll elaborate on whatever would help anyone who has any thought of an opinion. I don't want my desires for my son to be happy and make his own choices to blind me to the fact that we are both being lead astray by BPD.

[Belljarescapee]

I keep having the terrible feeling I'm making the wrong choice. I could really use some insight. I have finally decided to end my 15 year marriage to my BPD husband. I got an apartment reservedin a separate city so my 16 year old son could transfer to a school he thought he would be happier at. When my BPDh found out about it he told my son he would buy him a new car with the condition that he live in our current city and stay at his current school. He has this school convinced that he is the good parent and they call him first with all issues.  He told our son the reason was that he was afraid he would lose him if we moved outside the city. Wanting my son to be happy I immediately found an apartment in the city. I'm just wondering if I'm helping to dig my own grave for parental alienation. If it's what the BPD wants all I can know for sure is that it is self serving. I just don't know if it will harm my son and I in the process. It's hard to explain all of the facts of the situation, so I'll elaborate on whatever would help anyone who has any thought of an opinion. I don't want my desires for my son to be happy and make his own choices to blind me to the fact that we are both being lead astray by BPD.

[takingandsending]

Hi Belljar,

What is your current custody arrangement? At what point can your son choose where/who he wants to live with in your state?

Certainly, S16, is not responsible for making you or your STBxh happy. But, moving a child in the midst of a divorce can easily be perceived as a way for one parent to limit the other's access to the child. I very much fear that my xw will move away with my S11 and S6, as she has stated/threatened several times. So, I can actually relate to your xh's fear, though he is absolutely wrong to go through S16 with his concerns - that is intensely selfish.

How much more time would it take for your STBxh to gain access in the new city? In moving S16, are you reducing his access to other family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)? These are the sorts of things that the courts look at when evaluating a move.

[Belljarescapee]

Takingandsending,
We are not divorced,  not even separated.  Just for a few months living separately. My BPDh had been ok with my son going to the other school, about 8.7 miles or 15 min away, at the beginning of the school year.  For some reason he changed his mind when it involved us also living there,  same distance. Same distance from all family 15 min. For your high school student to be happier. It wasn't for me I didn't care about living there. But it was important enough for him to ask our s16 to sacrifice for him.

[GaGrl]

With those distances (minimal!), I'm having a difficult time understanding what your H's objections would be.  Is it that your son would not be living in H's house with him?  Is it just now occurring to H that he will be alone at least part of the time?

Your son should be making a decision based on what will be best for your son and his education over the next few years, then play out the residence situation.

If he still needs the car to move among Dad, Mom, and school -- that's a valid discussion.

[Belljarescapee]

Gagrl,
I honestly couldn't understand it either.  I suspect or boils down to keeping the most control possible in the same city.  And maybe slowing me down on moving out. Didn't work though.  Went ahead and got an apt in the city this week.

[donkey2016]

Hej Beljar,

Congratulations to getting the apartment! I'm happy to hear that you and your son are moving out of the house. The smallest distance can make it easier. I'm still with my boyfriend but at least I don't see him during the weeks. A great relief. Probably your son is also going to be happier not staying so close to dad, but doesn't want to say because feeling guilty about it. How can we ever know why the BPD persons are acting like they do? They probably don't even know themselves.
donkey2016

[Belljarescapee]

Donkey2016,
Thanks,  that's probably the best answer I'll ever get for any of it.

[donkey2016]

Hi Belljar, I hope you'll enjoy your new life in a new apartment. Things will get better. You did a good thing for yourself and your son. I feel inspired by you. I want also to break free. I have contacted now women support group in my area. I don't want to write more here about it since it's the wrong board for that. I might post something on the break up crisis board  - again
Donkey2016