I ask her to get help and she tells me its her problem

[Jack boots]

I don't know where to start. Iv came to realize my wive is BPD. Iv told her and she even agreed with me. I asked her to get help. She then just gets mad at me tell me its her problem. She tries to shut me out. My finger has been broken from the bathroom door she slammed me in. She had a emotional affair. We have two boys that are also affected by it. One day she was late picking our dog from the pound. She brook down and cryed for hours as my 4 year old told her it would be alright. Ofcorse this is just some of the things that happen. After she found out its been getting worst. She taking classes for collage, always stressed about work, you know people hate her, she's not good at her job. None of that is true. I have the stress of my boys 5 and 3 now. While she takes all week on her collage class making it perfect. A few weeks ago she got mad at me for not getting into a fight with my mother about weed. I don't like to fight with my mom. I only see her 1 to 2 times a year. I got so mad about It lashed out on sexaly and was to rough smacking her butt. I felt bad and apologized right away. I know I was in the wrong but I swear she was pushing me. Now I'm the bad guy after everything. I don't what to do or how to start fixing this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello Jack boots, welcome to the board.  What led you to feel that your wife has BPD?  With two young kids, college classes and work, that's a lot of stress for both of you.  You mentioned that your wife has been getting worse since you started discussing BPD with her.  Folks with BPD have a very strong sense of shame -- it feels so badly to them they can be very reluctant to admit they are at fault for anything, and can make it difficult for them to take responsibility for getting better. 

You mentioned one thing in your post that needs to be called out.  That is the part about hitting your wife.  It's a little unclear from what you said whether this was a regular part of sex for you two, or was something that she was OK with.  But it sounds from your description that there is some uncertainty, and there is absolutely no room for uncertainty when it comes to domestic violence.  You must be absolutely perfect on this.  Life is complicated enough with a mental illness in the mix, and your boys and your wife need a safe home.  You care enough about your family to come here, so I know you can step up your game on this.  If you are getting frustrated with her, take deep breaths, and if that doesn't work, calmly tell her that you're going to take a break to cool off and will be back in 20 minutes.

There is a lot of good material to read on this site to help you understand BPD and some things you can do to improve the situation.  Here'a a good place to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

Have you found any strategies for how you can behave or help your wife that seem to improve things, if only a little bit?  Let us know about that, and hopefully we can get a few others to come onto the thread and start a discussion.

Wentworth

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jack boots,



I'd like to join Wentworth and welcome you to the community. I'm sorry this is such a stressful time for you. It sounds like emotions have escalated and that can lead to door slamming (and broken fingers), getting too rough during sex, and emotional affairs. Add very young children into the mix, and you have a very difficult situation.

You did the right thing reaching out for support. At times like these, that is the best action you can take. You'll find members here who really understand what you are going through, and many tools that will help make things better. And things can get better for your family, Jack boots—there is hope!

As Wentworth mentioned, a pwBPD can feel a lot of shame and have difficulty dealing with it. The recent revelations of your wife having BPD, the affair, the stress of college, etc., can pile up and cause emotional dysregulation.

We have an article that can help with the "do's and don'ts" of trying to get a person with BPD into therapy: How to Get Someone with BPD into Therapy

 It sounds like your mom lives further away—do you have supportive friends and family members nearby? Are you taking good care of yourself during this stressful time, such as getting exercise, eating well, sleeping enough?

Keep posting. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Jack boots]

I know I need to find a ways to unwind. I know how much I missed up. I told her I will not stay next time I'm that frustrated. Also it was a regular part of sex just not that rough. I have never talked about all my problems with anyone other than hear. I don't really have anyone close to me but her and my boys. I will read over the information. Thank you.

[Radcliff]

Hi Jack,

Good to hear back from you.

Also it was a regular part of sex just not that rough.

Understood.  Given that you two are having a difficult time, and she's emotional and vulnerable now, what would you think about taking a break from even the "regular" rough stuff?

I don't really have anyone close to me but her and my boys.

Yup, that's why came here.  There are a lot of men and women here in long term relationships with BPD spouses.  They understand how it is.

I will read over the information.

Great!  But let me give you an assignment.  Come back to us with something, anything that you read that you have a question about, or want to tell us how you think it applies in your situation.  There is a lot to learn about how we can change our behavior to more effectively cope with our person with BPD.  Kind of "pro tips" for survival with BPD.  It is not easy, so learning by reading is good, but we're all helping each other figure it out by discussing it on the board.  We'll look forward to hearing from you!

Wentworth