A letter to my ex wife with BPD.

[rainbowconxn]

Dear Ex,

Here's the email I will never send you. You. My soul mate. My partner.

We were supposed to be together forever but that didn't happen. It didn't happen because I made a lot of mistakes. There were trusts broken and things said that I will never be able to undo. I'm not going to list all of the mistakes I made because I've done that already. Over and over, I rattled off my sins to you, to counselors, and to clergy. I. Took. Full. Responsibility.

I accepted that I am a flawed person who only wanted to pay penance for my transgressions and move forward. But there were obsticles. First was blame. I was trying to take FULL responsibility for the things that were bad in our relationship. I was attempting to bear the weight of all the wrong. But I was not the only one. You made mistakes, too.

When you cheated, I thought it was because I had lied. It was my fault.

When you hated your body, it was because I had not told you that you were beautiful often enough. It was my fault.

When you drank, I thought it was because I wasn't making you happy.

When you were stressed and depressed, I thought it was because I wasn't working hard enough to make enough money.

When you took pills, it was because I hadn't listened when you said you were in pain.

And when you tried (or threatened) to take your own life or harm yourself, it was because I hadn't made life worth living for you.

I self-committed to a mental hospital and sobbed uncontrollably to a counselor that I was to blame for it all. But I wasn't.

You were there too. Making your own poor choices. Some poor choices we made together and some I made alone and some you made alone.

Still I wanted to move forward. A second obsticle was forgiveness. I've tried to forgive you. I'd like to think you've tried to forgive me. But, for the longest time, I found it near impossible to forgive myself. I was taking all the blame. It seemed to me, that if I forgave myself, I would be attempting to offset some of that blame, and that wasn't the way to bear a burden. I had to keep it. I had to keep the memory of it alive at all times, so I could remember what a terrible person I was. My cross was mine to bear.

There was a third obsticle in the way of me being able to move forward. I was going to say that it was YOU, but I think more accurately, it was the way your mental illness combined with substances caused you to act. I mentioned that I had rattled off my sins over and over. I could not forget them because your borderline personality was there to remind me of each one. All the way back to high school, the flaws were brought back to my attention. I couldn't possibly forgive myself and move forward, because I had to remember what I had done. Bad me. Shame.

Your BP gave you a way to keep me in my place, too. I tried to leave in 2005. Your response was to harm yourself, end up in the hospital, and I came running back.

God this hurts to write. There were so many times that I thought I was going to lose you to suicide. I'd panic. I'd run back, and beg forgiveness, just don't f***ing leave me. There were times, on my way home from work, when would find myself wondering if I would come home to dinner or a corpse. I would later discover that I was experiencing the exact same thing a physically battered spouse feels. I learned that threats of harm and suicide were a BP's way of controlling others.

As a matter of fact, I've learned a lot. I've learned I can forgive. I learned I don't need you in order to be me. I've learned that I can have friends, and love them with a full and open heart. I've learned that there are people who love me despite my flaws. I've learned that I can still be a dad and papa without you.

You've asked me to tell you how I truly feel. You ready? Here's the truth. Here's the part you wanted to hear. I love you. I always will. I still think about you and I miss you. There are things that I see or do, that remind me of you. I tried NOT to think of you when that happens, but I've found the harder I try to repress those feelings, the more they haunt me. But another thing I am learning, is that's okay to have fond memories of you and the time we were together. You were a wonderful part of my life. We have some amazing children and grandchildren. There are things that I do, and pieces of who I am, that are a direct result of our life together. I'm grateful for all of those things. I will share them with others because I feel it will enrich their lives too.

Now here's the rest of the truth. The part that you probably don't want to hear. I don't LIKE you. I can't possibly like someone who continues to use verbal and mental abuse to try to control me. You aren't my friend, and right now I have no desire to try to rectify that situation. I have begun to move forward. I cannot have people in my life who do not encourage to be myself. There's simply no room for your toxicty in my life any more.

So here's what I am going to do. I'm going to keep trying to forgive myself for being a flawed person. I'm not going to try to forget the past, but I am going to try, every day, to learn from it, and improve the future. I am going to date. I'm going to love. I'm going to have my heart broken. I am going to treasure time with the kids and grandkids. I'm going to grow and laugh and cry. I'm going to do all of this without you. I am going to allow myself to be happy.

Here's what I'm NOT going to do. I'm not going to send this letter to you. Ever. It's mine to keep. I needed to say these things, but I don't think you'll ever be ready to hear them. This letter was not to cast blame on you. This letter was not appologize. It was not to ask your forgiveness. I have done all of those things. I don't have to keep doing them.

I hope you find happiness. I hope you can forgive, and move forward. I really do. Maybe you already have. Go live a good life. I know you have it in you.

Love,

Me

[rainbowconxn]

2/21

Ex,

I'm feeling the need to add to this. You called me again this weekend. Drunk. Wanting everything to be done. Wanting only your name back. Just call me, you say.

I can't.

I can't deal with you like this any more. It hurts when I hear you drunk. When I hear you sad and hopeless. I don't want this for you.

I want a life that you find happy and fulfilling for you. I want you to have friends. To laugh. Really laugh. Doing things that bring you joy. Using the talents you have. All of that, but without me. You can do it. I've seen it. You don't have to be sad. You don't have to be in constant anguish, hoping for what might have been.

I F***ING KNOW YOU! You're better than this god dammit!

[rainbowconxn]

9/18

Hey ex,

This weekend I spent time with a dear friend (we'll call them Tracy) and their SO (Sam). I have known Tracy for 2 years. Sam came into Tracy's life a year ago. It was a rocky relationship from the beginning. I have witnessed a notable decay in Tracy's overall happiness in the past year.

This weekend I witnessed Sam exibit some VERY BP style behavior. Turning suddenly, with little to no provocation, from loving and affectionate to upset and defensive. I saw Tracy rush to comfort Sam, to ensure Sam was placated, content, comfortable and soothed.

I reacted viscerally. Panic, anxiety, fear! Pain. Vomiting. RUN!

The very first time Sam got upset, MY response mirrored Tracy's. I felt I had to ensure Sam was soothed as well. I hadn't felt that cluster of emotions for a long time but it's taste was way too familiar on my tongue. It felt rancid in my gut, my chest was going to explode.

It's the EXACT cluster of emotions that I felt whenever you'd do an emotional u-turn. Placate, beg, promise, bargain, flatter, compliment, soothe, comfort, serve, apologize. Over and over and over and over. Hoping I could FIX your mood. Take the blame. God knows what for, but take it. Make it better. Make it better. Make it better.

I watched, helpless and paralyzed, as Tracy did all of this, all weekend. Over and over and over. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. It drained Tracy.  

And suddenly, it was 5 years ago again. I was in full-panic mode all weekend. Just doing ANYTHING to make sure Sam was okay. And I f***ing hated it. It felt like being with you again. I felt like I was becoming that person again. That person who gave up anything for someone else. That person who would do almost ANYTHING for someone else. That person who didn't need an identity or their own feelings as long as others were okay.

GOD I HATE THAT GUY!

Then I realized... .that guy... .he was really easy to find again. When my narcissistic father would get upset, about anything or anyone, I'd become that guy. When my first wife "laid down the law", the same way she'd seen her mother do, I'd become that guy.

So here's the deal. YOU didn't cause me to behave this way. Your behaviors triggered long learned reactions in me. My behavior is mine. Those wounds are mine to heal. They go way back before you.

But here's the best part! I'm not saying any of this to absolve you. Your choices are still yours. I'm saying this because I realize it releases me. I can continue to heal no matter what you choose to do.

You can choose to say and do terrible things. You can continue to drink. You can continue on your path. I don't want these things for you, but they're your choices NOT MINE. I don't have to become THAT GUY for you or for anyone else.

He's still there.

But I see him for what he is... .

... .and he isn't you.

Me

[LoveLostHeart]

Welcome Rainbowconxn,

Your letters suggest you are still suffering the effects from this relationship. I was sad to read them, but I think it is a really good thing you decided to share them here. This board and site has many resources that can support and help you! Feel free to share anything you need to get of off your chest. You are not alone!

[rainbowconxn]

You are not alone!

Thank you! It's so good to feel this.

While I'm still suffering from the effects of this relationship, I am a much more healed person than I was 3 years ago. I wrote the first of these letters at the beginning of this year, as a way to process what I was feeling. My BP ex is not ready to hear these things, but they still needed to be said out loud.

Rather than risk what would inevitably end up as just an argument, I chose to write a letter I'd never send. It's helped me to process the damage. It's brought me self-realization, acceptance, and some peace.

I share them here, to not only say them again, but to help others to know that THEY are not alone either!

Again, thank you!

[Harley Quinn]

So here's the deal. YOU didn't cause me to behave this way. Your behaviors triggered long learned reactions in me. My behavior is mine. Those wounds are mine to heal. They go way back before you.

But here's the best part! I'm not saying any of this to absolve you. Your choices are still yours. I'm saying this because I realize it releases me. I can continue to heal no matter what you choose to do.

You can choose to say and do terrible things. You can continue to drink. You can continue on your path. I don't want these things for you, but they're your choices NOT MINE. I don't have to become THAT GUY for you or for anyone else.

He's still there.

But I see him for what he is... .

... .and he isn't you.

Rainbowconxn,

I'm really moved by this.  What I read here is some serious growth and awakening.  This is difficult stuff for anyone to do.  You are digging beneath the surface and getting real with yourself.  Kudos to you.  This takes guts and I admire this.  How do you plan to / are you already approaching your healing in particular addressing these wounds and learned behaviours?

Love and light x