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Author Topic: Impending death of uBPD mother (NC since 1989)  (Read 385 times)
shinysparkly

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 14



« on: September 19, 2017, 02:53:24 AM »

Hello,

I came here a few years ago and found it so amazing to hear stories from other people who had gone through what I did. It really made me feel not so alone and not so crazy. I have been no contact with my uBPD mother since I moved out in 1989. She is 81, I am 47 (single, no kids). Over the last 5 years or so, I've been able to get back in contact with other family members (mostly cousins) who I had ignored for years. You see, I thought they believed her & agreed that I was the problem and a horrible person. It has been so freeing to find out that they all knew she had issues, and once I explain about the BPD, they've all agreed. They all knew! Part of me was angry that no one told me this... .but realistically, they were in no position to. When I moved out in 1989, She Who Birthed Me (SWBM - what I call her since she doesn't deserve the title of mother), told them horrific lies about me. I thought they believed her and so I just cut off contact to spare myself the hurt of having everyone turn against me. I had no idea that they knew she was lying, and that, for a long time in the pre-internet days, were looking for me to tell me. Long story short, I've reconnected with many cousins & it's been really good.

One cousin lived next door to where SWBM lived and so was her general gopher, etc. for many years. She moved to that area to be around her cousins... .but again, slowly alienated all of them with her BPD. Around two years ago, another cousin let me know that SWBM had a stroke - and had been lying on the floor in her house for several days before the next-door cousin had police break in. They took her off for treatment, and the cousin was horrified to find out the extent of SWBM's hoarding. Not just lots of things but the filthy kind of hoard - used adult diapers, etc. They had to clear out the house & sell it to fund her long-term stay in a nursing home (because again, no one was around who would take care of her). It was disgusting. Her mental state has continued to deteriorate and next-door cousin (who has power of attorney) barely visits her any longer because she doesn't recognize him (and partially because after all these years, he's tired of her constant demands). She also refused to leave her bed a lot and so gained a great deal of weight, to the point where they have to use a mechanical lift to get her in & out of bed.

Just last week, my cousin got back in touch to tell me that SWBM is now under hospice care and really deteriorating physically as well as mentally. She is completely non compos mentis and her days are coming to an end. No estimate of days or weeks was given, but it will be coming soon. I won't be going to the funeral, have no desire for a last visit while she's still alive, and have no problem with the next-door cousin inheriting everything (not that there's much but even if she had had a last minute change of heart and wanted to leave me something, I would turn it down). The cousins are fine with me doing and not doing all of that. They understand. They have put aside my dad's trains (he loved toy trains - the kind  you set up elaborate villages around etc) for me, and will give me any photos that they find as well as anything of my grandmother's (SWBM's mom who I adored). I'm good with that even if there are no photos or grandma mementos - it's unclear on this because the house was so completely trashed when they cleared it out & sold it.

So sometime soon, I will get a Facebook message that she is dead, and my head is already spinning at the thought of it. I have thought about it before, but now that it's nearly here, I just have so many conflicting emotions that I don't even know where to start. I feel guilty that I will feel somewhat relieved/happy to have it finally over once and for all. I feel horrible that people who don't know the story may try to comfort me and I will reject it because I have no real grief - except for the grief of what could have been, and what I wish I had had. I have a therapist and psychiatrist (anxiety, depression & PTSD) so I am working on this with them, but I thought of this place and hoped that somewhere on this board were some people who had experienced this and could offer some understanding and maybe even suggestions. Thank you.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2017, 05:26:16 AM »

Hi shinysparly-

I think the death of a parent is difficult - no matter what the relationship was like. I am not exactly in your position, but I can relate to some elements of your situation. I am still in contact with my BPD mother.

I think it makes us uncomfortable when people assume we are supposed to be feeling a certain way about our mothers. I can't really describe how I feel about mine, I just know our relationship is different than the typical one people expect we have. She can be very sweet and charming in public to others, so they just assume we have a good relationship. When I read mother's day cards in the store, it feels like something foreign to me. I don't know what they are describing. This is not the way my mother behaved towards me. Likewise, the relationship I have with my mother is foreign to people who don't have a mother with BPD.

I have not been in your situation, but I think it would help to understand that people who care about you will try to comfort you according to their experience. It's all they can do. I think it may help to try to appreciate their gesture in context of where they are coming from. I experienced grief of a parent when my father passed away. I think what we felt growing up with a BPD mother was grief for the mother we wished we had, and we eventually had to learn to accept that our own mothers were limited by their mental illness. It a way, you have already grieved the loss of what society says is a "mother". There really is no way to know how you will feel about losing the person who is your biological mother- but whatever it is, allow yourself to feel it without judging your feelings. They are what they are. It is good you have a therapist to share them with. Take care of yourself.
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momisborderline

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 42



« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2017, 02:26:54 PM »

Hi Shiny Sparkly
I just found this board 2 days ago. I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. You posted this a month ago and I hope you have found some peace. I can very much relate to your post. If you're interested, you can read my intro post, but suffice it to say we are close in age and both dealt with uBPD mothers. (I really like your designation of SWBM, I think I have to start using that.)

The difference is you have been no contact since 1989 and I have been no contact for 2 days. The other difference is that my mother, while medically fragile (bad back, refuses to leave bed) and financially at risk, is not facing impending death.

But still we struggle. I think it was very brave of you to go NC at such a young age. My siblings all went NC with my SWBM at around the same time you did. I'm the last hold-out.

Anyway, I don't have any answers for you or for myself, but it was helpful to read your post and I wish you peace and healing.
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