The struggle is real

[bpdnewbie27]

Hello,

My 20 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and possibly bi-polar also. As with everyone else who posts here, her behaviour has been atrocious throughout the years. We too, thought she was a poorly behaved teenager, until last year when she had her first suicide attempt.

She has had 17 hospital admissions since last May. This is not including the times that she went to the hospital and they let her go (did not admit her). The suicide attempts and self-harm are relentless. It has been 16 months of complete crisis.

She adamantly does not want my husband or me involved in her health care - "it's none of our business", with the exception of driving her to appointments in a different city and paying for her therapy. We have been told repeatedly that she in adult and can make her own decisions. 

Her DBT therapist recently met with her and told her that she required more intense counseling - two individual sessions each week and one group session. She quit. Told me that this was not the right time for her and that she was not committed to this program.

Yesterday she called me and told me that she wants to go back. Will I pay and will I take her to her appointments? I said "I thought you weren't committed at this time" Her response " that is none of your business". 

The cost is $330 per week.

I don't want to pay. She has lots of money saved up. She lives in an apartment and is working as a server in a restaurant. I want her to pay until the end of the year at which time insurance will start again and can pick up a couple of sessions. Our insurance for her will terminate in March when she turns 21.

Am I crazy? I have this fight with myself so often. She is adult and and treats me so very terribly all the time. Yet I know that she is very mentally ill.  Her therapist has told me that they have called in other BPD experts to get assistance in how to deal with her as they seem to be at a loss.

I just never seem to know what to say or do as no matter what I say or do it is always the wrong thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi BPDnewbie

Yes, the struggle is very real and you're absolutely right about feeling about the twistynesss of the thinking sometimes. I feel the same way and some times I can't say one word without it being taken the wrong way, a raised eyebrow brings about another level of frustration. Walking on eggshells!

My DS did not seek treatment and I eventually persuaded him to go (it took me a long time with gentle nudging), we paid but he stopped going. He wasn't committed and with hindsight, if we'd insisted on him contributing and him agreeing, it may have felt different for him. However, he'd never agree to pay in the first place. Financial management has been a big problem for him.

I got told that treatment comes first. In this list of priorities we should have. Then comes drug abuse. These two were needed. I chose a different approach as our relationship completely broke down. I focussed on the core relationship first in the hope that he'd seek treatment and this would then help with addiction issues.

If something's not working then a change In Approach is needed.  It's very good your daughter is living independently and holding a job down. A good achievement for her. Have you heard from her since you telling her you don't want to pay for her sessions?

LP

[incadove]

Hi BPDnewbie

Welcome   

Being treated like that right when you are making sacrifices to help your daughter feels awful, sorry you are going through that!

I just never seem to know what to say or do as no matter what I say or do it is always the wrong thing.

Yes - I think you just nailed the essence of that book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

One thought, perhaps asking her to pay half of the first session to show her commitment, so that both of you are investing in it?  Or is there another way she can demonstrate her commitment one session at a time?

If she wants treatment that sounds positive, but yes it seems to be a key element in DBT that the client has to be fully committed. In the meantime practicing the skills at home may help a bit.

Good luck, hope it goes better

[bpdnewbie27]

Thank you both for posting.  It is difficult to type your story - when the story is so long. Typing a piece just doesn't seem to come out correctly.  We have paid for all of our daughter's therapy starting last year. It is not that we don't want to help our daughter.  She has to be committed to helping herself also.

I was able to find a DBT therapist in our current city (which she can walk to) who is considerably less expensive than the out of town therapist. We have agreed to pay for half of her therapy if she attends the therapist in our city. She has thankfully agreed to see this new therapist. I understand, too how that can be hard to re-start. However, she has told us many times that she and her previous therapist fought most of the time anyway.

The deal was that we would pay the other half back if she was committed.

We shall see where it goes.

The past year and a half has been straight crisis for us as a family. I am slowly gaining radical acceptance that our daughter has this terrible diagnosis and that this is her life now, and also our lives. It has been devastating. The emotional ride has been intense - often threatening the relationships of all of us.

I have committed myself to learning as much as I can about BPD. I am using multiple materials - videos, this site, books (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning is an excellent read).

I think it is important to keep educating and reminding ourselves what our loved ones are going through. It really helps to stop taking their behaviour personally. I think this is something that I am going to have to do again and again to stay focused.

It really is true. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Take the time for yourself and engage in things that you love and that make you happy.

[incadove]

Hi BPDnewbie27

I really admire your committement!

I think it is important to keep educating and reminding ourselves what our loved ones are going through. It really helps to stop taking their behaviour personally. I think this is something that I am going to have to do again and again to stay focused.

I really hear you on this, in a way this is true dealing with anyone who has pain, which is so much of the time the case with BPD sufferers. 

Hope it goes well with the new therapist!  If not I would be open to switching around, it can take time to find the right fit even if your daughter is motivated. In my experience therapists are a mixed bag.

Good luck and I hope you are able to do enough self care and care for your family to stick through in the long term!