I had to validate shrimp

[Tattered Heart]

Just wanted to share one of those funny things that could easily go off the rails.

Throughout the day my H's texts were not angry, but I could tell that he was in a high anxiety state and was starting to get agitated.

He got home form work way before me and I sent him a text asking him if he would set the shrimp out to finish thawing for dinner.

His response: "I don't know why you keep getting shrimp especially the tail on. You might as well get the raw, veined kind too."

I knew this conversation could go very bad or could just disappear, depending on my response. I ran through some scenarios of things to say, such as:

Get over it.
Why do you care? Your're not the one cooking it.
If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it

But I didn't. I validated. I knew that shrimp is not on his list of top 5 foods. I was also annoyed that the tail off shrimp was not available when I was at the store. So I validated shrimp: "Yeah, having to deal with the tails sucks. It's hard to find tail off at the store."

And just like that, the conversation ended. No response. No anger. He grumbled slightly while I was cooking, but he said that dinner was really good.

I wanted to share this story because it would have been so easy for me to invalidate. But I took the time to examine the conversation. What was he really saying in his accusatory language? Was he really blaming me for the shrimp? NO! He was trying to tell me that he was worried that he would get tails in his food. He worries about this every time I cook shrimp. All he needed was for me to acknowledge that I knew the tails were a concern for him.

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[flourdust]

Nicely done, th, and a good example, too! I also give you kudos for an irresistible thread title. 

[JoeBPD81]

Nice save!

BTW tails have a lot of calcium, some people eat everything of the shrimp.

My S(6) likes "shrimps with legs" he calls them that.  

[Tattered Heart]

I also give you kudos for an irresistible thread title. 

THought it was pretty funny.

BTW tails have a lot of calcium, some people eat everything of the shrimp.

My S(6) likes "shrimps with legs" he calls them that.  

That's cute. I will eat the tails only if they are fried shrimp. mmmmm My chickens love the tails and the calcium is good for them.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Ditto! Kudos on handling it very well and on the title! 

[pearlsw]

Thanks for the inspiration!

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I re-read your original post and something jumped out at me this time. You wrote

Throughout the day my H's texts were not angry, but I could tell that he was in a high anxiety state and was starting to get agitated.

It sounds to me that the tails on the shrimp may not have been what was really bothering him. Were you able to find out why he was in a high anxiety state before that? What do you think would have happened if instead of de-escalating the shrimp situation, you had asked him something like "Is everything okay? I sensed that you seemed anxious today." or something like that? Just a thought.

[Cole]

Nice save and a great title. There was no way I could pass up "I had to validate shrimp"!

You say you could tell he was having a bad day or anxious. Do you think he was baiting you? When my W has a bad day she baits me to start a fight, since it is easier than dealing with the real issue.

Great response and example of how to do it right.

[MrRight]

Just wondering TH

why you buy shrimp at all when he doesn't like it.

ah of course - your chickens get tons of nutrition from the scraps!

um - I hope this isnt an invalidating post.

I just think that sometimes, rarely, we nons are actually - wrong!

[AskingWhy]

TH, I am so glad you caught this in the bud.  

BPDs can go from happy to ballistic in a split second and for the most trivial things.  

You diffused this so well!

I recall early my marriage that my uBPD/uNPD H wanted a sandwich left in the refrigerator.  It was there for over a day so I ate it so as not to waste it, thinking nothing of it.  A day later, my H wanted the sandwich and was looking for it.  I told him I thought he did not want it and that I ate it.

H exploded with rage with cursing and swearing about how much he looked forward to eating the sandwich.  Totally out of proportion to what one might expect.  

A normal person would have said, "I left the sandwich to eat later.  Oh, well.  At least it did not go to waste.  I guess you did not know I was saving it."

This was one of the first incidents in my marriage when I started to suspect something was very wrong with H.

[MrRight]

Just wondering TH

why you buy shrimp at all when he doesn't like it.

ah of course - your chickens get tons of nutrition from the scraps!

um - I hope this isnt an invalidating post.

I just think that sometimes, rarely, we nons are actually - wrong!

I'll answer my own question here - I expect you can buy food you like and he doesn't. I dont get that luxury I'm afraid. what she eats I have to eat. well done to you for having control over what you eat.

[MrRight]

TH, I am so glad you caught this in the bud.  

BPDs can go from happy to ballistic in a split second and for the most trivial things.  

You diffused this so well!

I recall early my marriage that my uBPD/uNPD H wanted a sandwich left in the refrigerator.  It was there for over a day so I ate it so as not to waste it, thinking nothing of it.  A day later, my H wanted the sandwich and was looking for it.  I told him I thought he did not want it and that I ate it.

H exploded with rage with cursing and swearing about how much he looked forward to eating the sandwich.  Totally out of proportion to what one might expect.  

A normal person would have said, "I left the sandwich to eat later.  Oh, well.  At least it did not go to waste.  I guess you did not know I was saving it."

This was one of the first incidents in my marriage when I started to suspect something was very wrong with H.

I have so many stories like this.

shortly after our marriage we bought some cakes - one had a slice of strawberry sitting in the middle and outside the store I spontaneously picked it off and ate it right front of her.

never did a slice of strawberry cause me so much trouble. I was wrong - apologised when she said she bought that cake for herself and particularly for the strawberry. but it was quite a fuss.

[Tattered Heart]

I re-read your original post and something jumped out at me this time. You wrote
It sounds to me that the tails on the shrimp may not have been what was really bothering him. Were you able to find out why he was in a high anxiety state before that? What do you think would have happened if instead of de-escalating the shrimp situation, you had asked him something like "Is everything okay? I sensed that you seemed anxious today." or something like that? Just a thought.

Shrimp absolutely wasn't the issue. My H runs high anxiety almost constantly. He obsesses over 4-5 topics and cycles through them. That particular day he had been focused on a friend's FB post. I think he unfriended her that morning. I don't remember. It could have been work.

He has not responded well in the past when I ask him about that.  He thinks I'm trying to "fix" him or that I'm putting him in a box or seeing him as a problem that needs to be fixed. I tried this just yesterday because he was just angry. He went form ranting about religion, to government, to work, to facebook. (4 of his go-to topics in a single rant is not a good day for him). My words were almost exactly what you suggested. "Are you doing ok? It seems like you're angry today. Can I help you somehow?". He briefly turned it on me but it lasted only a second.

We eat together every night at the table. We both enjoy that time for ritual. So yeah when he eats, I eat. But it's out of choice, not out of having to.

[Tattered Heart]

Just wondering TH

why you buy shrimp at all when he doesn't like it.

I like to add variety to our meals. We don't eat it often (like once every 3-4 months). He doesn't hate it; it's just not something he would choose to eat if given an option. When we got married he also didn't like pork, sweet potatoes, salmon, or beets. Now he loves pork, sweet potatoes, and beets, salmon still not so much, but he does enjoy salmon patties. I hated onions when we got married and he kept cooking with them. Now I enjoy them.

I have invited him many times to help with meal planning and he doesn't want to take the time to do it. So I plan meals, I do the shopping, and I do the majority of the cooking. I know there are 2 foods that he absolutely will not eat and I've never made those meals before. Everything else he will eat, and if he really doesn't like a meal I cook, then he let's me know and it is removed from my menu list.

Nice save and a great title. There was no way I could pass up "I had to validate shrimp"!

You say you could tell he was having a bad day or anxious. Do you think he was baiting you? When my W has a bad day she baits me to start a fight, since it is easier than dealing with the real issue.

That's very likely. When he can't get a release from his stress, he tries to bait me quite often.

[Tattered Heart]

I recall early my marriage that my uBPD/uNPD H wanted a sandwich left in the refrigerator.  It was there for over a day so I ate it so as not to waste it, thinking nothing of it.  A day later, my H wanted the sandwich and was looking for it.  I told him I thought he did not want it and that I ate it.

H exploded with rage with cursing and swearing about how much he looked forward to eating the sandwich.  Totally out of proportion to what one might expect.  

A normal person would have said, "I left the sandwich to eat later.  Oh, well.  At least it did not go to waste.  I guess you did not know I was saving it."

This was one of the first incidents in my marriage when I started to suspect something was very wrong with H.

Those moments can leave you quite shocked and surprised. Food seems to be quite an issue for pwBPD at times.

[Cole]

He has not responded well in the past when I ask him about that.  He thinks I'm trying to "fix" him or that I'm putting him in a box or seeing him as a problem that needs to be fixed.

I get that, too. When disregulated, W will scream at me to stop looking at her as if she is a freak. They do know on some level that their behavior is inappropriate, but cannot stop themselves. This leads to more shame, which leads to more disregulation, which leads to more shame, which leads to more disregulation, etc... .

For W, holding her tends to result in gut wrenching sobbing and apologizing for her behavior. She feels better afterwards. I should note that holding her tight like that was her idea. I wouldn't suggest it without discussing with the pwBPD as to what helps, first.