Introduction

[starrgazzer]

Hello,

I am reaching out because my son has been tentatively diagnosed with BPD. He is 17 so they can't give him the diagnosis, but have been talking about it for years. He is my first born, but my youngest son through marriage. He has been a struggle since he was 4. At first they looked at PDDNOS, Asperger's, Autism... .then ODD, OCD... .been many many years of alphabet soup. Hubby and I have tried changes in Meds, therapists, behavior coaches, and keep feeling like nothing works and nothing helps. Feel like nothing really matters to him, I get little glimpses of my big hearted boy and then he does things that make me doubt that he cares at all about anyone but him.

And now he is in the running to finish high school and I am terrified at what happens now, feeling like I have failed him. And it breaks my heart to think he won't be able to thrive in the world without my help, but that will cost me my youngest daughter and my husband. 13 years of trying to find something to help and I am just tired, and scared, and feeling a little hopeless... .so here I am. Just want to connect with someone somewhere to say I understand what you are going through and yes it's hard.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Big M]

Hello and welcome.  If your son had been born with cerebral palsy, would you blame yourself for failing him if he was not cured by 17?  BPD is no different.  It sounds as if you've dedicated most of the past 17 years to trying to help him.  It sounds like you did your very best. So, you have not failed him.  As painful as it is, all BPD parents must accept the possibility that in the end, we just may not be able to help our children. My wife and I are struggling with coming to terms with this possibility now.  Many BPD sufferers do eventually get better, many do even without formal treatment.  Many do not, even with the best treatment out there.  For sure it will not help your son if you accept responsibility for things that are beyond your control.  Your best is all you can do.  I wish you peace. 

[incadove]

  It sounds like you did your very best... .Your best is all you can do.

Wise words, Big M !

starrgazzer welcome here, I hope you can use this forum as a place to refresh and continue on.  What your son does in the end is up to him, but if you can keep doing your best, balancing with the rest of your family, that can only help!

Big M is right, one of the key things to be able to continue I think is to remember we can only control ourselves.  As long as you know you're doing what you think is the best and right thing to do, hopefully that will give you the energy to keep doing it. 

What are you most scared of after he finishes high school?  Does he have any plans?

When he does something that makes you doubt him or that hurts someone in the family, how do you respond?  The validation tools on the right are helpful, I would definitely recommend those, but it doesn't mean you don't have to respond in some authentic way if he does something hurtful.  I think it has value to sufferers to know exactly how they are affecting other people, he may be so wrapped up in his pain that he doesn't really understand it, and hearing it may help him learn in the long run.