BPD and no sex life - Have you experienced this?

[WildernessMan]

Does anyone have experience with having no sex life with their BPD spouse? I have read that they dont want to share closeness due to the fear of being pulled away. I'm 52 and she is 57. I've been married to my wife for 21 years and we have a daughter 21, another daughter 17 and a son 14. We have not had a sex life in 10 years at least.

I've attempted to speak to her about it for years and always get various answers from her. She has said "I am just not interested in sex at all". She has also said it hurts physically. Those are two of the usuals, but there are others similar. She's even told me to find a prostitute, which I wont do.

She has slept on the couch for years as well, which certainly has an impact on the sex life. I've gotten answers about that which vary. Such as "you snore" to "I have anxiety and have to exhaust myself to sleep by watching TV until 1 or 2 in the morning".

Very frustrating for me on both front mentioned above.

There are many other things I've dealt with that have made the marriage miserable. Such as, I'm not allow to disagree with her because she will get really mad. She doen't like ANY intimate touching whatsoever, although a hug, cheek kiss or hand holding is fine with her but nothing else. She uses Parental Alientation with our kids, and has been doing that since they were old enough to understand her negative words about me. My 21 year old daughter confirmed PA to me back in November, 2016.

My wife's dad was an abusive alcoholic; verbal and physical. He also molested my wife's oldest sister numerous times when she was young. My brother-in-law told me a while back that all three girls were molested, but my wife has never admitted it. I know he did fondle her boobs when she hit puberty. 

Our 21 year old daughter was officially diagnosed with severe BPD 3 years ago. I suspect her BPD was probably caused by mine and my wife's arguments during her early years - Arguments which were caused by my wife's BPD and my temper and lack of ability to handle it at the time. I did learn years ago to not argue with her, as it would only sent her into a rage if kept up for more than a minute or two.

Other than the practice of parental alienation with our kids, she has mostly been good with our kids over the years. This conflicts with things I've read which says BPD moms typically also abuse their children.

But honestly the most hurtful thing for me has been no sex in years. Anyway, has anyone had the same or similar experience with their BPD mate?

   
   

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[Hisaccount]

If it wasn't for the age difference I would say you found my ex.

Very sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been there.

My ex said it was too painful for her. That was most of the 10 years we were together. I of course would not go out on her either and it really wears on you. It makes it so much harder to deal with everything else without that part of a relationship.

Mine slept on the couch as well.

To me it explained the missing sexual BPD component. Her addictions were things like buying objects or playing video games. Her cheating was her online friends from places like said video games.

She eventually ran off or to one of the people she met in the video game.

Yes you just kind of had to let her roll with whatever rage or misconception she had. It was easier than the anger that came my way if I said anything.

I am pulling for ya, we are all in this together. LOL

[BowlOfPetunias]

My wife promises sex, but rarely follows through.  She gets distracted and stays up too late.  She actively sabotages the plans by declaring "family movie night" so we have to stay up late with the kids.  She is too tired.  Often I find out about this AFTER I have already taken Cialis.

When we do have sex, she often tells me that it hurts because "we are out of practice."  There is never any recognition of WHY we are out of practice.  (I did bring this up yesterday, though.  She says that she will be more willing to use lubricant.  We'll see how that goes.)

We're supposed to have a "date" tonight.  I am going to be away for the weekend.

[WildernessMan]

Hey at least sex is a possibility for you. I haven't had a sex life in 10 years.

[Tarquin42]

You certainly are not alone, although my wife never had the same libido as I, we still had a pretty regular sex life for many years and then one day I realized that it had been over a month, then three, now almost a year! She like many pretends that there is nothing amiss and takes great offense if I try and bring up the lack of physical attention. I am preparing to leave and have stated here that at least we had no children.

I do have to give you credit for surviving this long in your situation, but as much as we all have many things in common here, we also each have unique lives that make choices hard or easy.

[WildernessMan]

Tarquin42 -

I've lasted this long with my BPD spouse because I learned to bite my lip instead of opening my mouth. My lip is protesting after 23 years of it.

Seriously, if you can simply absorb the abuse you have it beat. Your self worth does take a hit though.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Have you all considered that most men and women approach sex differently? Meaning, it seems most men can have (and want) sex regardless of their emotional state. Women, however, generally refuse to (or can't enjoy) sex without feeling an emotional connection. There's an emotional component to this, IMO.

Since I didn't feel an emotional connection with my husband, it got to the point where I dreaded having any type of sexual contact with him. So I did everything I could to avoid it. I had tried talking to him about it but he didn't seem to understand. He said he needed to have sex to feel an emotional connection with me. It was the opposite for me. In my situation, it probably didn't help that there were many times when I told him I didn't want to have sex but he went forward anyway because he thought he could convince me. Even when I told him to get off me and to stop, it was like he was unable to control himself. That most definitely did not help matters.

[WildernessMan]

I am the fire -

Good point from a female perspective!  On my end of it thought, since she has BPD, she couldnt have an emotional connection.

[Ironman85]

Mine literally was throwing it out the first 3 yrs too me, then less and less. towards the end she would make it clear it was only a favor too me, she didnt need it... .goes well for building a bond for sure. Im only 31, and shes turning 29... .and the last 2 years was non existent.

[Tarquin42]

My wife about 8 months back said I should be happy for all we had together through the years. I do appreciate what we had, but it is hurtful and frustrating to continue now as just friends living under the same roof... .something that she just can't understand.  She has been "better" since she acknowledged that BPD may be the problem and has been trying different methods to control her rages. I sincerely hope she does find some peace and happiness with her newfound routines, but unfortunately they do not seem to include me.

I believe that I have passed through all the stages of "feelings" and can only describe my current state as "peaceful/ numb". Sleeping on the couch tonight and catching up on a Netflix series... .see what tomorrow brings?

BTW... .I would advise all husbands to stretch out on the new couch purchase for length and comfort before buying. 

[spacecadet]

I'm really sorry for those of you going through this. For men's sake I wish more women got how important sex is for a man and how invalidating it is to be turned down again and again. Even if physical pain is an issue, if a woman cares about her mans dignity and contentment, she'd go to a doctor and seek options & be willing to try.

What I Am the Fire said is so very true, in general men need sex to feel close and women need to feel close to want sex. I remember toward the end of my marriage (both of us "nons", having my H really shut me out emotionally about 99% of the time, we'd still be together but went from frequent to once a week. On top of that, there was an issue for me, a past sexual assault and I started processing it, having flashbacks. Asked my H to do certain things differently for a while, so I could regain a feeling of being in control and heal from the episode. By then we'd had lots of sex, always good sometimes great, but he refused to do anything differently and refused to talk about it. He was on autopilot, just couldn't be in the moment, ever. It got to where when he'd touch me it seemed I might jump out of my skin. But then, we couldn't talk about money or anything else fruitfully.

I don't mean to go too far into my thing, but I'm plumbing for insights for you. The more a man can tune in to his wife's emotional state or needs, the more receptive she'll be. Flirting helps, eye contact and listening -- at random times, not just bedtime. Can you be silly and make her laugh? Cultivating a relaxed and playful mood goes a long way with women.

Having said that, most men here seem to be very giving and have done this/would happily do this and more, yet it makes no difference. Maybe try asking your W to cuddle in bed without needing sex? If you can do that repeatedly maybe it would break down whatever emotional barriers there are. If my ex-H had been willing to do this I would have been so grateful to him and that simple thing could very well have turned around our intimacy. This illustrates yet again that for a r/s to be a happy place there must be a solid friendship or you're SOL.

If you're with someone who just doesn't like sex at all, there may be no answer. I'm sorry to say. I've had girlfriends tell me they've never liked sex and other friends we share we've always liked it. It's always puzzled me why... .anatomy maybe? Feeling unable to relax and be playful? You have my admiration for not going to a prostitute, in all sincerity, because it wouldn't take a lot of people 10 years to make that decision.

[lenfan]

This issue is what got me to make my first post several months back. The topic comes up every so often, so you are definitely not alone. I am about your age and have been married about as long with effectively no sex life for many years, so I know where you are coming from. This is more than male/female libido differences, the BPD traits add a whole new dimension and it is hurtful. Unfortunately, no one has any real solutions it seems. The best I can offer you is not to take it personally. That's hard to do, but if  you have to endure the deprivation, at least you should know that you shouldn't have to feel personally rejected or have it hurt your self esteem.   

[WildernessMan]

Lenfan & wiseedup -

You're both so right! I like your points. And I believe it's ceartainly not libido related at the root. The problem is, due to ones BPD or whatever, they normally wont talk about it. No talk means nothing gets solved. So no solution can be worked out. My BPD wife absolutely refuses to negotiate in any way concerning sex or anything. I think this is caused by a BPD's "black & white thinking". Their way or the highway.   

For anyone in this situation, you have to just grit your teeth often, hold your tongue and tough it out. I have found nothing else works. 

I do think it helps to understand that your spouse/partner has a serious problem that you can't fix. That's what has kept me holding on for 23 years, plus not wanting to loose access to my children. 

[Stillhopeful4]

Little different dynamic here because it's a same sex r/s.  But here's my history with my W.  We've been together 10 years, sex in the beginning was amazing and frequent (however only when she was drunk)...she refused to use toys because her theory was if you want THAT...go be with a guy.  Ok I can do without THAT if it makes her happy.  After we got married, 1 year into r/s...sex stopped.  In the past 9 years we have probably had sex 5 times and only ever when she was drunk...the last time was 2 years ago and the time before that was 3 years prior.  There was never hand holding (it made her uncomfortable), she hates hugging and jokes with her friends that hugs are NEVER allowed, and as far as me kissing HER...well I would try...she would offer me her cheek but not kiss me back.

She says the zero intimacy stems from the fact that I hurt her so deeply she can never forgive me or trust me.  I asked with what and she said with words when we fought, but couldn't give specific examples.  (However this is the girl that cheated many times in our marriage)  She has said in all of her past relationships, once the intimacy was gone from the beginning she was never able to trust anyone enough to get it back.  Our T explained to her that the beginning intimacy is more like infatuation and true intimacy comes as the r/s matures and you become closer.

SH4

[MidLifCrysis1]

I can relate, but also can go one step further...

My wife blames me for us not having "enough" sex.

Even though she often has a myriad of reasons that interfere with opportunities for sex - including being emotionally far away from anything related to sex.

I certainly would like to have sex, but the risk of triggering her by stepping on a land mine on the way to intimacy is enormous. And the retaliation is fierce around topics of intimacy.

Being trapped in a damned-if-you-do/don't existence is very discouraging.

[zachira]

From a female perspective since I am female, I see the lack of sex in a relationship usually is due to both how some men and some women behave sexually. Women often let a man have sex with them when they don't really want it instead of showing a man what they need. This leads to the woman wanting less and less sex. Some men are very insensitive to a woman not really wanting sex and doing it with her anyway which in the end leads to less and less sex. Most  women need to feel emotionally connected to their partner to want to have sex with him. Most men can have sex without emotional connection though for most men at some point they are very unhappy if the emotional connection is not there.

[NoliTimere]

Stillhopeful4 and MidLifCrysis1,

I have been on both sides of this before and I think, fundamentally, this is an issue about trust. When I was the partner withholding, I felt two things: 1. I couldn't trust my partner not to hurt me - I needed an intimate connection first and 2. that it had gotten so awkward that any move felt contrived and overladen with meaning. It could no longer happen naturally and with ease (once I remember my partner being suspicious over why I was now initiating, and it wrecked the whole delicate thing).
I think to resolve it, I needed to spend more time with my partner doing things I enjoyed, with me being listened to, seen, supported etc. AND I would have needed some counselling to regain my self-esteem.
When I've been the partner not getting sex, I've tried to take a step back and learn to flirt with my partner again. Not just when I wanted sex, but all the time. And learnt to touch and be close in a non sexual way (hugs, holding hands, whatever your partner is comfortable with - obviously!) to build intimacy.

Good luck, because this is a tough situation, whichever side of the dynamic you're on!

[abeducator]

Yes, I have experienced this.

My husband of just over two years has BPD. We've had sex once in the last 18 months. We're both age 49. This is my first marriage and his second. He also had a long-term relationship with a woman after his divorce and before we dated; this was not a good relationship at all as she was narcissistic and addicted to pain meds. (This particular past relationship has caused numerous issues in our relationship, which hasn't helped.)

Ideally, I would love to have sex at least once a day. (At this point, I would settle for once a month.) Unfortunately, my husband is not interested at all. It also doesn't help that he has been diagnosed with ED in the past year. Needless-to-say, the situation has been very frustrating. I find it hard because I feel lonely and that he is just not attracted to me. Not having this intimacy does damage our relationship.

In many ways I am very lucky because I don't see the big mood swings with my partner. I tend to be pretty calm about things overall so we don't fight (never have). I am able to recognize his struggles most of the time. That doesn't make it any easier for me though.

[olafinski]

Hi, I have a totally opposite situation, untypical perhaps for men.
My wife is highly functional undiagnosed BPD (all the symptoms are there, and all the tactics that work for BPD partners work with her...). I am now 49 and have diabetes T1 since I was 35, got it shortly after we met. Probably I was dragging it from before but was not aware, it was a slow burn thing. Probably also because of it, I rarely had good lasting erections, though I managed to have quite a lot of sexual experience in my younger days and I really enjoy sex, but I am "complicated", too much in my head and if I get distracted or have some background thoughts, I loose my erection.
With my wife the things is that we have a really strong chemistry and had incredible sex at first but with I started to be afraid of her, of her actions, because she was basically packing my bags once a month at least in this 13 years. So I am always egg-shell walking. Also, she has some woman health issues (she had cervical surgery because of HPV) and I am quite big so there was sometimes this situations where she would bleed a little or that after us having sex she would get a bad papa smear etc.
Also, a couple of more issues. She gets aroused when we simulate to be having sex to make babies, so she plays that phantasie out, saying "will you make me a baby" where I need to say "yes love" etc but then pull out at the last moment. All good, but the thing is that after our son there was a time where we would discuss how we will not have more kids (she also has an older 21 yo son living with us), and then during sex I was no longer sure whether she REALLY wants us to have more babies or is it just sex play? Thinking about that would make my erection drop in a second. As I can not do it with a condom because it pushes blood out, and also she does not like it, she started taking pill but that totally messed with her HPV results and she had to stop.
We talked and agreed that we will not have any more kids so that ment that I need to be careful (we are very compatible and when we were really "making babies" we did it on the first try).
So now imagine me - having problems with erection for a start, having to play "we are making babies" game, without protection, but being careful "not to make a baby"? No way I could hold an erection.
Then I started with Viagra, which in fact worked really good, but as she is off course insecure it made things worse because she took the blame in a way "If I was really attractive you would not need a pill", and also there was this problem that we had to plan to have sex which for her was "killing it totally". So I started to take it without telling her and then try to make it spontaneous, but it simply all together started to be overcomplicated.
Also, our little one was a really bad sleeper and had to sleep with us. As I am really emotional kind of guy (creative...) and can not stand aggression and violent people and situations, and as my parents raised me in a nice way, with conversation an no aggression, and as she is a special education teacher aware of all the bad consequences of forcing kids to sleep alone before they are ready, our son was sleeping with us. With time, when he grew older (and remained a bad sleeper), and as I snore really really low and heavy, in any position, I started sleeping in his room so that he can get normal sleep.
When we settled on that he started sleeping normally and starting to progress incredibly (he used to have terrible tantrums etc) and became an incredible 10yo. He is still sleeping with her although it is clear that these are the last days of that.
So, we are sleeping in separate rooms, she wants spontaneity, I have bad erections without the pill, we don't use any birth contol and agree on not having another child... so all in all not only are we in sexless marriage, I really see not way that we could have a normal sex life, at least not now.

We are both more of less ok with that (I don't have a high libido) but she always uses that when she flips to "I want a divorce" thing, saying that this is not marriage. Off course, there could never be a serious conversations about her part in this problem, because "you have a problem with sex, not me". I tried a couple of times but it simply very soon turns into a blame game from he side and can not work.
Also, every time I found a therapist to go to, to work on my sexual problems (well yes a part of my ED problem must be in my head also and I am aware of that), when I schedule it, she turns all nicey nicey saying "we will work it out, you dont need to go", probably afraid of me disclosing our intimacy to someone outside of our circle where it might become clear that she also has problems... and the very idea of her taking a therapy is total science fiction.

So, that's me... not much of a help to you, but it shows a different perspective of the same problem...