How to deal with her threats to leave and subsequent impulsiveness?

[Husband321]

Well after a great 3 weeks or so back to square one.

She came back and got us first class tickets to see her family.  She handed me 40k in cash from a injury settlement plus the gold we bought and said I should hide it.

She kept saying how lucky she is to have a strong man in her life etc.

But it of nowhere she started with saying "you won't like our future kids as much as the one you have already. I want my tubes tied.  Then she went straight to bed.  No goodnight.  Locked the door etc.

From there on out she has been talking about divorce 24 7. I read her phone and she was telling her sister she only came back to see me because she wants her car and money back.

So that's where I am now.  She is entrenched and again wants to divorce. Not sure how to act or what to say. Especially after reading her phone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Husband321]

We got back together.  She wanted to start having babies last week.

Then this week she smoked pot all day everyday. Became a different person. I do not smoke. She was distant, snapping at me and basically making life bored.

We had an argument Saturday night.  Sunday we were seemingly fine.  Had sex etc.

Went to work Monday and she was texting me hugs and kisses all day. Got home and she was gone.  Took all of her things. Said the marriage is over and she wants divorce.

I met up with her that night to talk. She just said it is done.

She came over last night and was intimate with me. Said she wanted me to stay at a cabin in the woods with her she rented this week.  But still said she wants divorce and it is over. And she is not coming back.

So I am totally confused by these signals and actions. 

[Husband321]

For the past 4 days she has been at my home.  However all her things in storage.

If I bring up the topic of "what is going on" she just says she is getting her own place and wants a divorce. 

If I am laid back and casual she is all over me.

She can fully leave anytime but won't.  But also won't move back home.

It's this limbo I despise.  I can't really be myself knowing she keeps saying she is moving out for good.  But she obviously still wants to be with me and around me.

Not sure what to do

I feel if I push her to move home it will be a total no.

If I let things continue the way they are she might come around, or she might just ease out of the marriage

[40days_in_desert]

Husband321 - I just read through this thread. It must be emotionally draining for you. This is one of the more extreme examples of push-pull behavior that I've heard of. I don't usually post on this board since my ex and I separated 2.5 years ago. One piece of advice that I can give is to not focus nor spend time on figuring out the "why" behind her actions or words. Chances are that even if you knew the "why", you still wouldn't understand.

So... .that leaves you with this: Are you willing to live like you have been for the rest of your life? There is no way of predicting the future but past behaviors are the best indicator of what is likely to happen in the future. Go with what you know.
 
In my case, I had to get to a more healthy place mentally, physically and emotionally. Over time, my conclusion as to what I want is based on what I see, behaviors and actions, and not hoping to see what I wanted.

I hope your relationship lasts in the long run. My heart breaks when I hear of another marriage ending. Only you can decide for yourself to end it or continue to try. It does take two to be successful at marriage.

I'll leave you with this... .Women are attracted to confident men. Each woman's definition may be different but I have never heard a woman say that they find self-doubt and insecurity attractive in a man. One way to show confidence in a healthy way is to set boundaries. They aren't ultimatums but rather communicating what you will do if she does "x" or "y". She is free to do "x" and "y" but your response will be what you communicated when that boundary is violated. The goal isn't to change her behavior. The boundaries need to be beneficial for both, consistently enforced and not punitive in nature.
One personal example with my ex is from the last time that I was willing to entertain a recycle attempt from her. She said all of the right things that I wanted to hear but I needed to "see" what she was saying. She was still with her boyfriend and one boundary that I communicated was that I wouldn't entertain the idea of reconciliation until she permanently cut all ties with him. She responded angrily that I was trying to pressure and control her. I replied that it is her choice to stay or not stay in contact with him but as long as she did, I was not going to talk about reconciliation. Since then she has tried three more recycle attempts but I don't engage.   

[pest]

Wow! this story is just like mine.  My BPDw has been threatening to leave for the last ten months.  And each time she packs, messes up the house and stacks her things in the garage.  Sometimes her things make it to the car and sometimes they stay in the garage.  Other times her things were simply stacked in her room.  24 to 48 hours she spends her time unpacking and re cleaning the house.  Sometimes I end up putting the house back together.  This has happened perhaps 40 or fifty times in ten months.  Each time I am the one that is screwed up, I am causing these "problems".  Even if I don't know what the problems are this time.  Then for a week or two we are on track for trying to fix things.

I am not trying to steal your thunder by turning my response to me, I am simply letting you know that we are living out an incredibly similar life with our loved ones.

I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer "try" to keep her here.  I have spent a lot of time in my recovery (Co-dependence) understanding that part of what makes love so unique is that each partner is there of there own free will.  I find happiness within myself and my partner enhances that happiness.  They are not there to create, or "make" my happiness.  This is not a question to answer from your partner or for your partner.  This is actually a question you must answer for yourself.

While I am working to that end, I mostly realize that the threats of leaving are actually cries for help from my BPDw.  I am learning not to take them personally, and I will let her leave if the fifty first time is real.

The question I would be asking myself (and I am asking it of myself) is:  What is best for me?

Hi Luv,

We had similar things with my ex like 1000 times I cannot even count. Everytime somehow it fixes up, actually not. But If I say her to not broke up or leave things goes even worse. Once she left home for example, I didnt contact her at all. The day after she came back with saying that if I am not worried of her why I didnt call. This behaviour is very consuming. Now she left home completely but her stuff is here, and she cancelled our rental contract. Does everyhing to make me feel bad during those time. Anyway what you read with co-dependency, I think I have this problem and I have to fix it asap.