a friend with BPD broke up with me

[kasumiga]

limited choices... .he is a friend. we have been friends for one year. it was casual texting but in the last few months more so and also phone conversations. he has visited my city a couple of times (used to live here) and we had a great time especially the last time. he asked me to do him a favor and i couldn't make it happen. told him that and then later it came through but not as he was expecting. so when i told him he had changed his mind (which is fine) but i felt he wasn't appreciative and was dismissive... i had moved heaven and earth to get this thing. so i told him my feelings where hurt by him... .big mistake... .i wouldn't have said it if i had read about this disorder beforehand. he texted back a long angry rant... .i tried to cool things down and that seemed to work. but a couple of days later he texted a break up... ."had given serious though to what you did" "we are not very compatible" and some seemingly kind words in there as well. so i have 2 questions... .1)why did he send a break up text. we are just friends. why didn't he just ghost me. it seemed he was trying to be accusatory and hurt me. why go to the extra and not just ignore me. 2) i understand his pain and want to continue our friendship... i want to let him know i'm still here for him if he wants. what can i say to him to let him know that. i've been told don't wait to long and also to wait at least a month. how long should i wait and what should i say? insites please and thank you

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[CMJ]

Hi Kasumiga

Welcome to the board 
Sorry that you're going through this.
It's nice to have someone in exactly the same position. There's not a lot of information out there about dealing with a BPD friend, it's mostly geared towards couples or articles written by PwBPD that've had treatment so are aware enough about how their behaviour affects others. However, there are still useful tools on this website.

I'm far from an expert but I'll try to help out with your questions.

1. The best advice I can offer regarding this is just don't. Don't try to figure out why he's chosen to act that way. In my time I've been blocked mid conversation without even being aware we were arguing, had the break up text like you have several times (one time she even continued our earlier conversation first before telling me the friendship wasn't good for her, all in the same text!), been ghosted completely, and subjected to silent treatment while leaving all communication lines open. It's baffling and frustrating, and will avail you nothing trying to decipher the reason why. You'll likely make yourself ill going down that route.

Instead, concentrate on the parts you can control. Which is yourself and your choices. Do things you enjoy, see other friends, go for a walk, read a book, play a game, take care of yourself instead of worrying about what you can't control. Don't take it personally as chances are it's actually nothing to do with you, you were just a convenient vessel to outpour in to.

2. I assume that he's not blocked you so you're still able to communicate? Unfortunately there's no magic amount of time to have pass before reaching out, it'll vary from person to person and from incident to incident. It's just a roll of the dice whether you'll be successful at reaching him or not. So my advice is wait until such time that you'd be ok with not getting a response, when you can reach out without any expectations, and won't be disappointed should you get nothing back.

Regarding what to say, keep it gentle and low key. Don't pour your heart out, don't mention the conflict or cause of it as these can put pressure on him and may push him further away. Tell him what you've been up to, what your plans are, and if nothing else that you're still here and are sorry he may be hurting while asking if there's anything to do to help. A lot of this is playing it by ear and learning from your mistakes. Keep the deeper conversations for when he's not dysregulating, you stand a better chance of being heard then.

Read up on validation, a lot of the time making them feel heard helps, but you have to be aware enough to do it in the moment. It's difficult to do afterwards. Also read up on JADEing and how to avoid it, we can be really invalidating without even realising it. If you can learn what not to do it's a good start. If you have something to tell your PwBPD that you think will be hard for them to hear look up SET, I'm still learning about this one myself. It's a method of softening the blow as it were, increasing the likelihood of them being more open to listening. All good stuff and all available on here 

[JoeBPD81]

pwBPD need friends, they push people away so often that they end up friendless. Most people just fade away because it seems too complicated. And we read a hundred messages online about "stay away from toxic people". Why go to the trouble of understanding them, if they hurt us? If I realize this friendship is unbalanced, is staying an act of charity, or pitty, is that real friendship? It gets so complicated that people just leave.

I struggled being friends with my current girlfriend before we became a couple. I blamed our circumstances then, but then I saw the same patterns with other friends too. She loves her friends, but she all the time things she is toxic for them. She believes she has nothing to offer, and just meeting her is doing her a favor out of pitty. She has so many sad stories to tell, she has a hundred worries, her life is her kids. So, when she met her friends she listened to them, and supported them who had troubles that were strawberry ice cream compared to hers.

So... .She doesn't give them the chance to be good friends. Then, if they complain about something, she figures out she's better alone. "I only cause them trouble". She gives that a lot of thought, and she misses her friends a lot, but she can't ask them anything. Reaching out to them is so scary, that any obstacle feels like too much. The posibility of rejection feels life threatening, so the less people that get close, the better.

What to do? I think all the friendships don't need to be unbalanced. The friend I see the most, is a very selfish and narcisistic guy. I know I can't trust him to be there for me, I know he'll change plans last minute if he finds something more interesting to do than seeing me. But I know he cares about me in his own way, and he is funny and interesting. So I keep being his friend, even if I can't count on him as a friend. I know what to expect and how far I can be invested on his friendship. It is enough and it is rewarding, because I know what to expect, and I don't get dissapointed.

So... .Pros and Cons. Every person has "pros", has something to offer. And I've found that people with BPD are highly sensitive and intelligent, so they have a lot to offer. The key then is to know the cons, understand them, and not invest in the things that we know they can't deliver. We need to deal with people that can be exceptionally mature and clever in some things and little kids the next moment.  (Little kids say "I'm not your friend anymore never ever!" and the next week they are friends again).

Look, I'm so proud of myself today because my GF told me several times yerterday that she hated me and that she will make me pay... .And I didn't get sad. I know it's not true, she was just ranting, and we were talking and affectionate moments later.

The more you know, the more you understand many things are not personal against you, so you take them with a grain of salt. So maybe you can just resume your friendship and forget this conflict happened. Be sure he's punished himself enough for failing you, but he can't express it. I'm sorry you went through a lot of trouble and he hurt your feelings, it is not that he is not grateful, it is that he doesn't know how to deal with changes, with the unexpected, and with being trouble for other people.

I thank you for trying to stick to this person and being compasionate with his pain.

[kasumiga]

thank you for your supportive words. to update... .i reached out via text letting him know "true friends have their ups and downs" and "i will always be here". turns out a neighbor is a therapist and she scripted that for me. he responded with "thank you... .and used my name". from feedback I've gotten i would like to think that he regrets "unfriending" me and sending breakup text. i hope it's not just "confirmation bias". we'll see. i plan to send another text in a couple of weeks wishing him fun for an upcoming trip. just keeping it light and through that letting him know i don't want to rehash anything. from all that i've learned i think he was in a stressed out space and i thoughtlessly added to that and he felt he needed to take control in some way. i don't want to walk away from him, yes it's not easy being friends with someone like that but i saw red flags right away. it has been a journey learning about this and through that also understanding why i was/am so attached to him. it's part of their charm! i think trying to reconcile may be equal parts selfish and caring. yes selfish that i want this dynamic person back in my life but also that he's in pain (and i sensed that from the beginning) and i want to help and be there for him in what ever way i can.

[JoeBPD81]

That is good news.

Keep in mind that people with BPD take alot of time to process things that other people just process in a moment. If something hurts them, everytime they remember it it's like living it again, as real and apinful as the first time. Sometimes they remember what they felt, and get hurt again, even when after the first time they learned that the reason for being hurt it was not true.

A dumb example: They got wrong news about their dog being dead. The dog was alive at the end, it was a similar dog. They can be hurt for a long time, not feeling the relief we would feel after learning it wasn't our dog. And then, months later, every time they remember, they will be still hurt, even knowing then, for sure, that the dog was fine. Everything goes deeper than we think, and it's complicated.

So, be patient. I'm glad you got some response.