Co-Parenting With A BPD Partner

[mannawor]

I have been in a relationship with a BPD woman (a lot younger than me) for around 6 years but only really found out what BPD was and that she suffered with it in the last two years in which time we have had a child together.  I now realise that my mother had BPD and my son is now growing up in a replica environment to my own.  A calm, hard-working but frustrated and confused father always treading on egg-shells and trying to keep the peace with a fiery, volatile, angry (to the point of violent rage) mother.  The main difference is my mother was an uncaring, emotionally detached woman but my sons mother is most of the time an attentive, loving and nurturing mother.  If it was just about me and her I would leave as my patience and compassion is almost depleted and I am living a nightmare, but I cannot abandon my son or leave him completely under her influence.  We are a good parental unit on the whole (just a terrible partnership).  So I need to find a way to cope with staying with her and staying sane but I'm struggling - it's getting harder every week to keep a lid on everything.  I want my son to have a stable home and my partner to have some stability and peace but everything I try takes us back into the same miserable, uncomfortable, frustrating rut. I've been compliant, sensitive, strong, assertive, dismissive, encouraging... .I've lost my sense of direction with all this.  How do others cope or manage this relationship dynamic without harming their children's or their own mental health?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

What you're going through is tough. It's not easy living in an environment like that and it's tough on kids too.

Have you read the information on the right side of this site such as the lessons on "understanding your partner's behaviors", "understanding your role in the relationship", "tools: communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior", etc. ? There is a lot of good information here that may help you.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi mannawor,



You've found a great place for support and help. Can you share an example of a situation where your wife began to rage, including the build up, your response, and her response? How did you react during the rage?

I'd like to second what I_Am_The_Fire wrote. We have a lot of really great workshops on the right side of the page. To get you started here is one of ourworkshops on ":)on't JADE" This is one of our tools that can really make a difference in not being invalidating to our pwBPD.

[mannawor]

Thanks TH.

An example of her rage is that I must travel a lot with my job, but me going away is a problem for her.  If I tell her well in advance of a trip it creates a bad atmosphere and dark mood for the entire run-up, if I leave it until the last minute we have a more peaceful time leading up to my trip but then an explosive melt down when she finds out I'm travelling again in a few days.  Either way what typically happens is that just before I go (because she is troubled by me going away but can't express it), she will pick a fight over the most trivial of things, that then escalates and escalates until she has a full eruption (at times throwing plates around, hitting me, screaming at me, throwing my stuff out). It is almost predictable, I can see it coming and I know it will happen every time I go away but that is my job that is how I provide for my family.  It's crazy I spend days anxious and nervous about when to tell her and how best to tell her that I am going to be away from home for a few days.

I have started reading the information on the website it is a good resource thanks

[Panda39]

Thanks TH.

An example of her rage is that I must travel a lot with my job, but me going away is a problem for her.  If I tell her well in advance of a trip it creates a bad atmosphere and dark mood for the entire run-up, if I leave it until the last minute we have a more peaceful time leading up to my trip but then an explosive melt down when she finds out I'm travelling again in a few days.  Either way what typically happens is that just before I go (because she is troubled by me going away but can't express it), she will pick a fight over the most trivial of things, that then escalates and escalates until she has a full eruption (at times throwing plates around, hitting me, screaming at me, throwing my stuff out). It is almost predictable, I can see it coming and I know it will happen every time I go away but that is my job that is how I provide for my family.  It's crazy I spend days anxious and nervous about when to tell her and how best to tell her that I am going to be away from home for a few days.

I have started reading the information on the website it is a good resource thanks

Hi Mannawor,

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, it sounds like your business travel is triggering those feelings in her.  It may seem over the top or irrational to you or me but this is how she could be feeling and to people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings can equal facts.

You might want to validate her feelings so that she feels heard and understood, below are some links to more information on validation that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Panda39

[Tattered Heart]

Panda39 hit the nail on the head. She is scared that on the trip you will 1) forget about her 2) she will be alone 3) you will meet someone else 4) you'll have fun without her and return thinking she is boring. There could be many other reasons, but the fear of being abandoned is the main issue here.

My last work trip was 2 days in Chicago a few years ago.  I waited until about 2 weeks out before telling him although I knew about the trip months in advance. Like your W, if I tell him about this stuff too early he frets over it for a long time. He was very angry about the trip. I didn't have the help of this site at the time or any of the tools and it was a mess. Before the trip my H demanded that I tell my boss I couldn't go. He accused me of choosing my job over him. When I arrived in Chicago, he went into meltdown mode. I spent the first night of my trip on the phone listening to him yell at me because I didn't send him a pic of my hotel room, accusing me of having a man in the room, I was hooking up with Uber drivers, I didn't call him first, etc.

Validating that fear will really help. One way to validate might be to start the conversation by saying that you will miss her but have to go on this trip. Let her know that you wish you could be home with her but it's required. When she objects, validate that you understand she is worried/scared/(fill in the blank) and that you won't forget her and will call her every evening. Put the focus more on her and less on the trip. Does that make sense? Could you maybe type out a practice conversation for your next trip?