Self Sabotage or Fleas?

[ozmatoz]

My situation has been extremely volatile lately and there have been many "I want out"  "I want a divorce" statements from my uPBDw.  These are followed by her talking about vacation plans and setting up weekend plans with our friends... .  very classic push pull.

One thing that I've noticed is that when she starts to paint me black (several times a day for 6 months straight), I have started to move away from the tools SET/JADE/DEARMAN/VALIDATION and just let it out sometimes.  I feel like I've hit my breaking point and just don't have the time, energy or strength to keep up with it.  I fall back into what I would call "normal reasoning" which we all know does not work with BPD.

I find that after these "normal" periods she falls into dysregulation and it just gets more draining on what ever little energy I have left.  I know the tools work but I'm struggling with wondering if deep down I've given up on putting in the tremendous efforts required to keep the tools going.

Anyone else feel like they have sabotaged themselves almost intentionally?  Is this a weak way to push her away and let her be the "bad guy"?  Am I just catching fleas and perhaps she sees this as a push-pull?  For example normal reasoning pushes her away because she can't handle these conversations vs -BPD tools where she gets her validation and feels more comfortable (pull)?

I'm really struggling the last few days.  I just want my life back.

thanks for listening
-Oz

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Oz, I am sorry this is happening.

Has there been an identifiable trigger to set off the trend or escalation in splitting?  A life event?  Something in your life?

Dealing with a BPD partner is challenging and frustrating.  There are no rules to say how long one must tolerate the acting out.

Even with tools, I sometimes "bait" my uBPD/uNPD H.  I just get fed up with allowing so much of his acting out to continue.  The abuse I have endured is beyond what most people can endure in a relationship.  Then I do or say something that I know will trigger H's insecurity button.  I know it's not the right thing to do, but I get fed up.

Most of all, H is a "transparent BPD," meaning he looks normal to most people, including his coworkers and even close friends.  He is very high functioning.  In their eyes, "I" am the one with the problem.  H confides our marital problems to his adult children, and now some of them are advising him to carry out his divorce threats.  (Some of these children are likely BPD and enmeshed with their father.)

Go with what you want and don't feel guilty.  Coping with a BPD partner is exhausting and soul-trying. 

It sounds like it's time for self-care on your part.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome back Oz,

I've been where you are several times. You just get tired of having to work so hard at communicating well. You just want some quiet and some peace. It's not fair that you have to constantly work on saying things correctly. It's kind of like burn out. We spend so much of our time helping and supporting and advising and communicating, etc. The burden gets heavy so we start to get triggered easier. We stop trying. We reach the end of what we can give.  THis is called Compassion Fatigue.

People who work with victims of trauma will often experience this and it can affect their life. We are in a relationship with someone who puts us through trauma and experiences their own personal trauma on a regular basis. It's no wonder that we sometimes hit walls. Can you read through the workshop above and then come back here to share some things you can do to help you release some of the built up weariness?

[ozmatoz]

AskingWhy, the only identifiable trigger is that I'm alive... .I know that sound horrid but if its not one thing its another. Sorry for the long story but here is what I mean.  Also as background 3 years ago she asked me for a divorce because I was not giving her enough attention, I tried to turn some things around (I was working a ton of hours and D10 has some health issues), she had a year long affair then asked me for an open marriage, that failed miserably and there were some signs of things turning around but it was only because I had to basically become a servant.

The big stuff started early this year when I tried to set some boundaries to stop being a doormat and have a little life for myself.  I started running again, I got D16 into running with me.  I attended a couple after hours work/industry events.  She had her once a week time with her girlfriends so I started once a month night with the guys.  This set off all sorts of abandonment issues, affair accusations, accusations of me not being a suitable parent... .started working through those, then it was triggered by her seeing my efforts to bring some life back into the relationship not good enough. (flowers, dates, dinner by the ocean, chocolates... .all the wrong kind, or in her eyes they were superficial).  Now trigger the self esteem issues and projection that no one is good enough.  I did not handle the rejection of my efforts well and cut back on the BPD tools, this triggered her NPD and she started throwing my stuff out of the house saying I'm not worthy of her or living there and she was planning on upgrading me because significant others are replaceable in her mind and "she can do better, because she is better".  Boy those days of getting your soul crushed were hell.  Then the "divorce" and "Get the F out of my house" talk started and she became aggressive.  Fast forward to a night that my daughter called 911 because we were screaming in the house (she accused me of flirting with one of our couples friends wive's right in front of her, totally false, her husband and another friend were in this conversation too!)  She began threatening me that she'd do whatever it takes to get me out of the house including hurting herself and filing a false report.  I got that part on video with my phone, when she realized I was filming her she lost it.  Attacked me for the phone and while it was a pretty benign DV event, the cops saw marks on my body and arrested her.  Oh boy... her we go.  Now this whole thing is my fault because I couldn't control myself or I should have just left the house weeks ago when she demanded... .I did this to her, I made the cops arrest her, I made her sit in jail for a night.  She feels I should now do the same... .We eventually got the charges dropped, but now Department of Children and Families is obligated to investigate.  She is paranoid about them taking the kids over an isolated one time incident.  Her fears are now my problem too, and again... .its all my fault, I did this to our family.  It has literally been close to 96 hours of straight dysregulation as our meeting with DCF is tonight.  So NOTHING I do has been ok.  I didn't help her clean enough (bogus), I didn't fix anything at the house (bogus), I left everything for her (bogus)... .our marriage sucks... .I want out... .its like a broken record.  This is a very HIGH level overview, the verbal abuse through this whole time has been brutal.

There has been literally nothing she has been happy about in the last 6 months.  Even family trips out where the kids and her "seem" to be enjoying it... .I hear later... well the kids and I don't need you to be a family, we would have had the same fun without you.  You didn't need to be there.  I politely remind her that I'm sure the kids were happy that I was there and she scoffs at that.

She is completely miserable and its turning me into the same.  It has affected my friendships, work, family to the point where no one really wants to be around me, they say you just aren't yourself anymore... .

Tattered, yes I am burnt out.  My T thinks I'm also suffering from a little bit of PTSD from the relentless phone calls/texts and grenades she launches at me for 6-8-10 hours a day.  Now when I hear my phone buzz for anything I feel all sorts of physiological changes in my body that are not good, heart racing, headaches, anxiety... .But the compassion fatigue is interesting.  I will keep reading into it, but as far as self care goes... .well thats another boundary that she just crashes right through...

Exercise?  Well if I take the time to run, she throws it in my face how much of a selfish a-hole I am and that I am not a suitable parent because I want "me time".  Says she can't wait to tell a judge how much I don't want my children.

Healthy eating?  I can probably do something here, I have been trying to at least grab something in the morning (besides coffee ).  Lunch is tough because she has me out of the office so much I'm falling behind here and she could care less (has often said she hopes I get fired).  I could try to have one of my employees grab me something when they go out.

Social activities? Not a chance, if its not her idea or she's not there... .thats a HUGE trigger.

Journaling?  well this website is close as I can get.  I used to write on my phone, she found those writings one day and took huge exception to it, then deleted them, if she sees me on my phone at home thats a trigger for her because of the "phone incident DV" that I care more for my phone then the family.

Restful sleep?  She becomes most dysregulated in the evening, top that with D10 suffers from nocturnal seizures that keep us up all night... .


Again sorry for the long rant, things really are not good in my world.  I'm about to lose my marriage (I've realized I've lost who I thought my wife was), I've lost some important friendships, and frankly I could lose my job if I can't get focus.

My T says she's never seen anyone with as much patience as I have, but told me that I can't be a gray rock forever.  uPBPDw says she'll make divorce the biggest hell for me ever because she can't wait to get back at me for all the pain I've caused her.

Such fun.  Thanks for listening, hopefully you all have some peace in your life.

-Oz