when Mom ends up on the street

[GeneGrey]

yrs ago I decided to let my MOM take care of herself. I see a few saying that's enabling.sure.
long story short I had to allow her to end up on the streets literally to get mental health.
To this day 8rs later. she lives in  a half way out patient mental health apt. and still refuses help, and lives in denial.
But emails me regularly to say it's my fault. and worse.
I realized exactly what her diagnosis should be after I was hit by a car last yr on my bike. she literally demanded I visit now after 8ys injuries and all.She was the worst in a long time. etc etc.
So how do you actually get it through their head it's over.she starts calling the police and stating I am missing.

[Turkish]

yrs ago I decided to let my MOM take care of herself. I see a few saying that's enabling.sure.

I'm not sure I view that as enabling,  but rather letting her experience the consequences of her choices. Sounds like she has access to help and services.

What specifically does she say is your fault? Does she have a senior case worker,  such as from adult protective services? My mother does. 

How often does she call the cops to report you missing? I imagine they would tire of this. 

T

[momisborderline]

I can really relate to your post. My mom is 75 and lives on the other side of the country from me. She is financially and medically fragile, and for my whole life I have been the only family member who speaks to her. 2 days ago I cut off contact. There is a very real possibility that she will end up  in a public assistance nursing home (her worst fear) or homeless. But I just can't help her any more. it was destroying me. I'm only 2 days into no contact. I have blocked her from phone and email so her emails go to a spam folder. I'm really struggling but hoping this will get easier. I don't know what I will do when I get the call that she is now out on the streets. thank you for posting.

[Penny123]

Hello, I can totally relate to this fear of BPDMom being on the streets. She is 73 years old. My Mom has been going through her savings and requesting/demanding money from me (and it's getting worse). She bought an expensive car for her budget and I warned her relentlessly not to buy and I just found out she is buying illegal prescription drugs because doctors have turn their backs on her with her prescriptions. She is showing signs of a Klonopin and/or Narco addict. I'm giving in to some of her money demands but not all of them. I can't keep this up though. I have savings but the way she spends, she could eventually hurt me financially too. I've been doing really well savings wise (always can do better though) and have a nest egg now. Luckily, I'm married and my husband is there to help. My brother refuses to help her financially. Today, I'm going to pay two of her car payments but I'm going to tell her, this is it for awhile. She uses alot of guilt, lying, and manipulation for money esp if I don't comply. She may loose her car eventually. She has a pretty good income from alimony and the government but is still in need. Anyway, I'm nervous and scared for her future with me in it or with me not in it.  Thanks for reading!

[Greg]

letting her experience the consequences of her choice

This is 100% true as to what is happening.  Remember that we did not cause this.  A grown adult abused us and is now facing the reality of that lifestyle.  End of story.

Please, please, consider blocking / spam filtering emails from BPDs.  There is no reason to give them access to your eyes / emotions / etc without a filter.  I still get emails from my BPD but they are in spam and I can look them up at my discretion / emotional leisure.  It is an important boundary to set with the person that manipulated and abused us for //decades//  they know how to push our buttons and pull our heart strings.

I was homeless and disabled before my BPD "mother" was.  I went NC when she continued to abuse me as I was in and out of the hospital and chose to live on the streets than be in that home.  It was a terrific choice, actually.  Never once did my BPD "mother" try to help me with disability or poverty.  Instead, she stole as much money from me as she could.

Now she is in a walker and dying of a heart condition.  I felt really sad when I read that email from her (months after she sent it, at my own discretion).  But I don't think the sadness I felt was for her.  It is the universal sadness I felt for the world, for life in general that hope does not always win out.  Often the sick, abusive, violent people of the world do not better themselves.  We cannot change that part of their fate.  You cannot force an addict or abuser to seek help, that has to come from them.

The less power BPD's have, the better.  I remind myself of this when I can.

-Greg

[Penny123]

Greg, thanks for sharing info and the advise. I'm sorry to hear you were homeless.                                                               I'm not there with NC permanently but if our weekly conversations don't improve, it might naturally go there. Right now, I told her I need a break from talking since Saturday, 1/6, and she has been respecting that. I know it's hard her to do this break.                                                            It will help look at her with fresh eyes too. I have strong empathy for her but the treatment is so bad, it is diminishing. I'm not good for her either because I loose my patience and may say something I regret. I don't like myself when I converse with her.

[Greg]

I don't like myself when I converse with her.

This is a really important thing to think about:  what people in your life do you talk to that make you dislike yourself?  
I mean, we all meet someone like a boss, coworker, whatever that makes us mad (at them) but... .mad at ourselves?  That's the tell sign of an abuser.

Don't ever let anyone devalue who you are or make you feel less than what you are because they prod you and violate your boundaries.  Respect yourself and if being LC, set very firm boundaries.  Time limits, expectations before the call, hell even recording the call so you can't be gaslit so easily.  When I was LC I got much better at just saying "This call is feeling abusive/manipulative and I'm going to hang up now."  - just some food for thought.

-Greg