Breakup and harassment. Restraining order?

[bpdexnightmare]

Hello,

I'm here in desperation because I don't want to ruin my ex's life and livelihood with a restraining order, but it's coming close to being a necessity.

Background:
I was with this person for a little over a year. I should have left 4 months in, but that's another story for another time when I can sit and think without being under so much stress. She had me sever all contact with my prior-ex, who is a wonderful person, because she was threatened by her (red flag).

I had crazy histrionic phone calls with her, she would panic when a small movement I made reminded her of some major domestic violence she has experienced 10 years prior. I think the reason I stayed so long was because I thought if only I could help her through expunging the trauma from that abuse, we would make an awesome couple.

She got through that, and was never afraid of my physical movements again. But she started to get stronger and stronger episodes of being out of control, screaming, hitting her head against the wall, getting knives and fake-cutting (I never saw her draw blood) etc. if the topic of breaking up came up she would become beliggerant and abusive.

Finally, after a conversation in front of a psychiatric clinic, she called a mutual friend who told her she needed to break up with me (I am still baffled about how it took someone else to do this for me, except that i was terrified of her committing suicide). Because of that mutual friend, who has since cut my ex out of her life, I was finally freed of the relationship.

Brief contact in the first week over minor logistics. All fine.

Then emails. And more emails. Some loving, some hateful, some pleading. I helped her with establishing a new business, and she wanted help with some of the logistics. I said that I was willing to assist someone who was in an administrative role, or communicate with a friend. Firestorm.

Then, she started experiencing issues with the  business and blaming them on me. She made up a story about how I must have "blabbed" to one of my friends who told one of her clients etc etc. this culminated in her coming to my house to (supposedly) leave me a note, but instead trapping me in my car for three hours while crying and screaming. (She was between me and the driver door). She repeatedly grabbed my phone when I tried to call one of her friends to talk to her.

She went for a psychiatric appointment that day, and was supposedly told that she does not have BPD, but an attachment disorder. I have seen her manipulate pjs psychiatrists and overwhelm a therapist. I'm not surprised at all that she was able to control the terms of her relationship with her clinician.

Tonight she emailed my father disgusting claims about me, and continues to tell anyone who will listen that I "need to stop" talking about her trauma to other people, which I am doing only with a very small group of trusted friends and family, and even then only recounting my own experiences.

She has threatened to stalk me everywhere I go to eat, threatened to come to my house etc. all in the name of "resolving" this and getting me to stop doing something I'm not doing.

Her emails are daily. They are hateful and extremely stressful. I'm parking my car on another street so she can't tell if I'm home, and I'm going to another city to escape for three weeks.

Sorry for the long background. I'm exhausted.

My question: the strategy I have been using is simply to block her and avoid communicating with her. I have advised people who she has contacted to do the same and automatically archive her emails texts etc. Is there something that would be effective in de-escalating the situation with her?

Would proposing to meet with her and her therapist (I won't be along with her under any circumstances voluntarily) be effective?

A restraining order would have a catastrophic effect on her and I'm honestly not convinced that it would help, but if she crosses one more line with communications or stalks me at my house I might be forced to.

Thanks for any advice. I'd particularly like to hear from people who have been in my situation, or BPD sufferers who have been in my ex's situation.

[Hisaccount]

Sounds like you are having a really hard time with this.
I understand you want to be a good person. You are still looking out for her and trying to protect her from herself.

This has to stop though. If you cannot start and maintain no contact. If she will not leave you alone. Then you have to protect yourself.
A restraining order is not a bad thing.
It is too bad if it is at that point but you have to worry about you, your future, your health and safety. You are just as important as she is.

Kindly ask your friends and family, (the ones you want to keep) To stop talking to her.

Meeting with her, with or without a therapist will only aggravate the situation. You cannot reason with her, she has a broken mind. 
No contact is the best place to start.

[SuperJew82]

I'm sorry that you have gone through all of this ): I think a lot of here can relate to the stress you are going through, you are not alone.

Yea I know about the whirlwind of messages that are hating... .then loving... .then pleading... .then thoughtful... .then rageful. It happens when they are under stress.

For me, NC was the only way to go. I had to find creative ways to block her communication as she would try just about every medium.

I hope things get better, I feel your pain.

[SuperJew82]

I would highly suggest not trying to contact her as from what you tell us she is capable of actually becoming a danger to you and herself.

I mean deciding to take the challenge and work with someone with BPD who has abandonment fears, if you are strong enough, is one thing... .Thinking you can reconcile with someone who is harassing you and threatening to stalk you while contacting your family on vilifications campaigns is another.

I highly encourage you to seek therapy for your own self ( not with her ) and seek guidance from a friend or family member.

I agree - if she makes one more claim of harassing you - you should consider taking action to ensure your safety.

[BabblingBrooke]

I don't have anything new to add that hasn't already been said - it sounds best to go no contact at this point. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I just broke up with my BPD boyfriend and the circumstances are almost identical at this point with his emails/texts. I quit responding about a week ago and he does seem to be backing off so far (hopefully that trend continues... ). If he does make any more attempts I am getting a restraining order. Stay strong <3