New here and trying to get my wheels on the ground

[WildernessMan]

I'm new here. Found the site last week and have been here reading your posts and helpful information. Still trying to get a way forward figured out in my head. I hope someone can relate to what I'm going through and offer suggestions.

I've been married to my BPD (undiagnosed) wife 21 years. Been together 23. We have a 21 yr old BPD (diagnosed 3 yrs ago) daughter, another daughter 17 (normal) and son 14 (normal).

Our marriage has been up and down like most BPD relationships, but mostly down for me. Having 2 people in the household with BPD is a challange to say the least. My daughter is  sometimes a promoter of trouble and loves the thrill of it. The trouble is always created between my wife and me. Since my wife has BPD she can't see it.

My wife filed for divorce August 17. She tried to get me to move out but I stayed per recommendation of my attorney, since I have nowhere to go and have been told to continue paying my portion of the household bills.

We both have attorneys. We dont speak about the case because she becomes dramatic in an instant and makes sure our kids are around to hear it.

She ALWAYS makes sure she is seen by our kids as the victim and that I'm seen as the bad guy; even when I'm being nice and just trying to talk something out. She refuses to speak in private with me and insists on everything being discussed in front of our kids and my oldest daughter's boyfriend. He's a good guy but caught up in the drama and refuses to let me speak to him or my family in private. You get the picture. It's a whopping mess I deal with.   

Below are things I deal with almost daily:

- Not able to talk to wife about anything critical to the relationship. Talking about the weather is fine.

- She has a hair-trigger temper when critical things are brought up. I stay calm normally.

- Drama is her favorite activity.

- She has practiced Parental Alienation since our childrens' birth. She is heavy into a campaign of it right now. I found out yesterday she lied to our oldest daughter about something that made my daughter upset with me. She ALWAYS drags out kids into any disagreement we have, and uses them as leverage. Always has. This is most hurtful to me.

- She has slept on the couch for years, or slept with our kids at times. This hurts me deeply and she knows it.

- No sex life in 10 years. This hurts me deeply and she knows it.

- She has threatened divorce as a tactic for years.

- She doesnt want my kids to have a good relationship with me.

- I have NEVER been allowed to disagree with her about anything. I don't even feel comfortable picked a different presidential candidate than her. It would make her upset and I try to avoid that. I know now that enables a BPD, but I learned that way too late.

- She feels she knows the right way to go in every situation, especially when it involves our children. If I disagree she gets mad or at least shows frustration.

- If I ask my son to cut the grass (etc), he will ask my wife if he has to. Most of the time he is given a free pass and doesn't do what I ask, even if I ask nicely. I think this is used by her as leverage. However, when her BPD is NOT in a flair up, she will tell him to do what I ask.

- She has always refused to divulge her financial information, such as how much money she has in the bank. We have seperate bank accounts because she ruined us about 7 years ago because she kept using her debit card when the joint account was empty. She managed the account at the time. Anyway this resulted in over $900 of overdraft fees in a single month! I found this out when I visited the bank and they pulled me to the side and told me.

- She put us in bankruptsy around 7 years ago strictly by accepting every credit card offer that came in the mail, running up a maximum balance and then not paying the monthly interest payments. At least half of the cards were in my name and I didn't know it. She said at the time she had about 25 cards or so and would never do it again. However, before the ink was dry on our bankruptsy papers, she was getting credit cards again! It was months before I found out about these.

- Wy wife does not use logic in her thinking when talking about critical relationship matters. If a subject has an emotional components, it's like her brain switches to an "emotion thinking gear". Once that happens the conversation ends because there is no point in talking to her any further. I back away and try again in a few days, as few weeks or never. This makes it SO diffucult to solve our problems. However I think she uses logic at work just fine.

I told my attorney the only way I will stay with her is if everyone in the family receives counceling. So far she has refused. She is still wearing her wedding rings, which is very confusing to me. 

Anyway has anyone dealt with any of this? 

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[WildernessMan]

HISACCOUNT,

I hate to say it but I prefer divorce, even if child support is coming my way. I'm so tired of not having total peace. Mostly tired of not having my personal needs met, such as sex. And not being able to just chat openly/calmly with her without a feel of negative undertone. I think some of my feeling are PTSD, because I think I have negative/fear type feelings inside me sometimes that may not be coming from something she did or said - I dont know though. I know it's painful feeling like that 24 hours a day.

And as you say, healing cant start until I can get away from her.

What's hurt so much is her continuous Parental Alientation act she's been playing with our 3 kids. Going on ever since they were old enough to understand the negative words she spoke about me. Right now my kids hate me, but I honestly dont think they really know why to a great extent. I think for the most part they're just supporting their mom's negative feelings toward me. I also think they posess some fear of her, because they do whatever she asks. Brainwashed. I have been told a few things recently by my kids that I wouldnt think they would come up with. Basically that I'm a horible person type stuff. I've also been told "you dont care anything about us", which is so outlandish I cant even understand it.

I've read that BPD's tend to repeat their parents' lives, which I think may be a factory in my case. My wife's dad WAS an awful person through and through. An abusing drunk that spent the rent money on women and booze, etc. I'm confused about all of that though. So unsure about what's true and what's untrue in my mind. You know what I mean?

At least I'm trying to sort out my thoughts about all of this. I doubt very seriously that my wife is trying to sort anything out in her mind. I think she's so tortured by her own brain that she's just trying to stay afloat, keep her new job, etc. I base that on things she's told me in the past about her own internal thought torture. I honestly feel sorry for her but I'm tired of suffering myself.  

I suffer with what I call "auto fear". I automatically become fearful of her and her response in certain situations. I will have an automatic thought in my mind that says "oh boy", what's about to happen", even if nothing ends up actually happening, like her going off on me. Is that PTSD?

And yes, like you, I think she's a sole sucking vampire. She has worn me out. I feel like cutting and running, but know I need to settle this from a legal standpoint first.

Thanks for your words.

 

    

[Hisaccount]

I often thought of my relationship as a chess match. If I didn't know what the next 5 or 6 things she would say are before hand I would not talk or ask a question.

It is amazing what we go through to try and protect ourselves from hurt.

Sounds like you have your mind made up. That is a start.
There are some tough days ahead. I ended up on antidepressants to help stabilize my mood. It helped my ability to think and reason during the divorce as well as seeing a therapist, otherwise I would have just rolled over and gave her everything as beat down as I was.

Healing is a long process. Getting over fear and anger. The things you will see and learn about yourself are good.
You will find you again, be happy and strong.
Most importantly you will not ever let this happen to you again.

I was lucky. Mine moved out. I was left alone, then she went no contact except through lawyer. That was the best thing that could have happened and jump started my healing.
I since have maintained no contact. You have children but at least they are old enough your contact should be limited.

 

[WildernessMan]

HISACCOUT -

Chest match is a good analogy! I feel that way for sure, but I normally loose the match  

I read the symptoms of depression. I am certainly suffering with it. Need to see a shrink to seetle my brain.

And yes I'm for sure looking forward to "finding myself again". I'm actually very proud of myself for keeping myself together so long. It's been a long 23 years with her!

Wish I could move out but I dont have a place to go and can't afford $$$$ to support two households. My attorney says to keep paying the bills I always pay, which prevents establishment of my own place.

How long have you been off the hook?   

 

[Hisaccount]

HISACCOUT -


How long have you been off the hook?   

 

Divorce was official last Feb, but she had been moved out a couple years already. Stayed married to keep her and her kids covered with health insurance mostly.

I lost at chess all the time as well, but I tried.

Friend of mine needed a place to furlough to when he got out on parole. During interview with counselor and parole officer they asked me if I am stable.
I told him, I was married to a woman with BPD for 10 years and we are both still alive.
Counselor said, that is good enough for me. LOL

[WildernessMan]

As far as I know my kids will remain on my insurance after divorce. My wife will have to get her own from what I understand. 

Yeah if you could live with a BPD for 10 years, you can manage just about anything!

I've learned to laugh off hurtful things (Laugh internally only - Can't laugh openly at a BPD). Also learned to hold my tongue, which was previously hard for me. I got that skill down to a science.

Appreciate you spending time. I honestly feel better after my chat with you. Feel lighter.

[Hisaccount]

It does help to talk about it.

For me I thought I was all alone. I thought I was the only person in the world experiencing the things I was going through.

Not only that but I believed the things she told me like what a horrible person I was.

Finding this site is a blessing. I first got here and read story after story that I could have written. You find ways to deal with them through it and you find ways to heal after it.

There is so much good reading material here. I know I haven't gotten through it all but I start a topic and get side tracked and it just is captivating.

Most of the tools we learn here help us in everyday life, not just manage a BPD relationship.

Do your best to inform yourself, learn what you can.

For me, it not only helped me manage my divorce, it helped me heal. Now I have met a wonderful woman who had a troubled daughter and I immediately recognized the BPD traits in her when nobody else did and her therapist is looking that direction now.
Not saying I knew what to do, but I knew what not to do and I ran here.
So I am learning about adolescent personality disorders now.  Which from what I read is all very hopefully. That maybe much of it can be corrected and the child can have a happy life.

It is a wild ride for sure. This site is full of the most wonderful, supportive and understanding people. We are lucky to have them.