Sent her to Treatment for Depression and She came back Diagnossed with BPD

[TN_TX17]

Hello All,
My wife was having what I thought were depression issues and I got her, after 9 months, to go to a therapist and get some help.  Therapist and I emailed a few times and she wasn't getting any better and figured inpatient was the best option.  So that is what I did, we found the best we could afford, which was very expensive, supposed to be in the top 5 in the country, and was very relieved to be able to get her in.

During the times she was "sick" I took care of 100% of the house and the cars and the bills and anything else.  She came home from work and went to bed, literally.  Weekends were meant for in bed from Friday to Monday. If I heard on Friday, which was usually every one, My stomach hurts, I knew the weekend was gone.  To say the least I was very tired and stressed and resentful after having no help and no attention for many months.  But I continued to take care of her until she went inpatient.

She started getting very argumentative and claimed I was yelling at her when I would be talking to her.  Everything was an argument it seemed and she was getting more and more angry with me as time went on.  So when she went in patient I had a small break but she was very emotional and would take it out on me or hang up on me.  I continued to visit her and sometimes came home crying because she had said something very hurtful.  But we usually got over it. While inpatient she was diagnosed with BPD and OCPD as well as other not so major disorders that go along with these two.  I was shocked and had no idea how to handle it.  It threw me for a loop

I have to say that I have Major Depressive Disorder and have for 20 years.  Usually under pretty good control.  But the stress of my wife and her issues got to me and I had to be hospitalized right before she got out.  Her parents and sister was suppose to take care of her for a couple of weeks while I had my meds adjusted.  They didn't and took off the second night she got home, which prompted a call to me in the hospital of how they took off.  This was typical for her family and she knew this.  I am the only person who actually took care of her for the last year during the depression. 

Anyway, jump to the day I got out of the hospital.   I come home and we have a nice day on the couch watching a movie and hanging out together.  Even had a nice outing to eat lunch.  A great day with no drama: UNTIL that night.  We were going to get some dinner and I was backing out of the driveway.  My foot slipped and I backed out a tad fast.  She started yelling at me to let her out of the car, I said come on honey lets just go and I am sorry.  She got louder and told me I didn't tell her what to do and to let her out.  I stopped in the middle of the street at my driveway and said, What is wrong with you? You don't have to yell and cuss at me.  She got out and went inside I left to get food and came back.

When I got back she said I had a choice that I could sleep in the other room of she was going to her mothers, you know the one that left her the second night she got home.  I tried to talk to her and calm her down and she locked me out of the bedroom which I unlocked and asked her not to leave and to please let talk about what just happened.  She left for her mothers apartment. 

My wife then, it turns out leases for 6 months, an apartment and decides that she is not coming home.  But she wants to do couples counseling and individual counseling.  I am pretty sure she decided to move out BEFORE she got out of inpatient and definitely while I was in the hospital.  The reason I think this is because she made a comment that I couldn't call her sister or her mother while I was in the hospital because she told them things that would put them in an awkward spot if they spoke to me.

Now we text back and forth and talk once a day on the phone, but she wants to keep our conversations at what she calls "HIGH LEVEL" until we see the couples counselor.  Which I have to say that it is a pretty crappy feeling to get out of the hospital with a severe depression episode, after your spouse told you that you would never have to go through another episode alone, only to leave you and tell her family, which I don't have any that I speak too, to not talk to me about anything with her.  I told her I am now alone and she said no you aren't but I am.  I asked her if she blames this whole thing on me and she said, What the hell are you talking about?  But never answered the question which makes me think that this is all my fault according to her.  My only crime is that when she starts accusing me of yelling at her or that I was trying to tell her what to do I defended myself and tried to convince her I had no intentions of either of those.

We are going on a date today to a movie but she doesn't want to talk about us, she says she loves and misses me, she says it is only temporary, but I have no idea how this got this way. 

I sent her to get help for depression, she comes back worse than she was, with a BPD diagnosis.  I told the doctors I couldn't even have a conversation with her about 2 weeks into her hospitalization, and they just chalked it up as her Borderline showing up.  She has really become controlling and when I told her I was shocked at her buying furniture for the apartment she said she didn't understand why because she needed something to sit on.  She has decided that she is going to set boundaries and has pretty much set walls up to make sure I stayed away.

She has moved and won't tell me what apartment.  I know the complex because it is the same one her parents live in.  She lives near them.  That is the extent of it.  Her therapist, I emailed and spoke to while she was in the hospital, has told me she is sorry it is so hard for me.

My wife wants to be together, if she didn't she wouldn't text me all day, or want to call one time a day to talk and she says she still cares and that we need to take baby steps to be back together.  The issue is I don't know what caused this major shift in her attitude, we bickered because usually she would take something I said wrong.  Now she takes almost EVERYTHING I say wrong like she doesn't know me.  I feel like she thinks I want to control her all of a sudden.  And when that BPD switch flips, there is NOTHING I can say or do to make it better.

Help I can't sleep, eat, work, whatever, it is killing me.  I am getting so many mixed messages, I want to talk to her outpatient therapist but don't want to piss my wife off.  She jumps my butt for stuff and tells me it is her this and her that, then emails me to ask/tell me to do her a favor like I use to do when she was living here.  I am totally confused, I still love her, other wise I wouldn't have sent her to inpatient.  I don't want to be taken advantage of but I also don't want to lose my wife. 

Thanks

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[Husband321]

Can't offer much advice but just know you aren't alone.

My situation is almost identical. Wife in bed all weekend every weekend,she is packed and ready to go to her moms who she doesn't get along with, plans to get her own place, and anything I say , no matter how nice, is me yelling at her.

"Hey, is this laundry clean"

"___ you!  You saying I do nothing all day!"  You get the point.

I don't know if I should give up, love her, or just let her go. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi TN_Tx17,
Welcome . Sorry things have been so difficult for you. Just learning about a BPD diagnosis, hopsitalizations, and your own depression can really stack up.

I just had a couple thoughts on things. I know for many pwBPD a change in environment can really cause things to get worse. Your wife is coming from a highly regimented hospital environment to a chaotic environment (home, but not really home because things at home were different since you were not available and her family was). Then her family leaves her, which may have triggered some rejection issues. Then you get home from the hospital, which is yet another environment change. I'm not blaming you or any of the events that took place. It just is what it is. But for someone with BPD that is ALOT of chaos and change and lack of structure.

Have you done much research on BPD yet? If not you might want to start ingesting as much info as you can on the disorder. It manifests in so many different ways in people, but one of the biggest ways that most of us see is that they get offended over little things.

My only crime is that when she starts accusing me of yelling at her or that I was trying to tell her what to do I defended myself and tried to convince her I had no intentions of either of those.

This is exactly what went wrong. pwBPD just want to know that we hear them. To them feelings=facts.  So when we try to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE) oursevles we are basically telling them that they are liars. WE have a workshop on Don't JADE . For me, this one communication skill has immensely changed the way my H responds to me.

Now she takes almost EVERYTHING I say wrong like she doesn't know me.  I feel like she thinks I want to control her all of a sudden.  And when that BPD switch flips, there is NOTHING I can say or do to make it better.

One of the best ways to help her when she starts to get upset is to validate what she is feeling. What she is feeling may have nothing to do with the situation in front of you though so you really have to listen to what the feeling is behind the behavior. For instance, when your foot slipped on the pedal, she may have felt either out of control or it could have just scared her. It wasn't about you. It was about what she was feeling because again facts=feelings.

In that particular scenario something as simple as "Whoa! That startled/scared me too!" could have let her know that you understand what she was feeling. Validation lets them know that you care about them. We have a few workshops on validating and how not to be invalidating. When you have time, check them out. They will really help you communicate better with your pwBPD.

[TN_TX17]

Oh my Gosh,

Thank you for answering me. I may have run on a bit but I didn't know how to explain what was going on. Or what questions to ask.  What you have said makes perfect sense to me.  I am sure it was a ton of change for her and I just couldn't be there, which I feel guilty enough for. 

I have started reading as much as I can about BPD and have gotten a lot out of it.  In fact I put the wallpaper on my phone as JADE to remind me of what not to do. As everybody who understands BPD has said about the pwBPD, they are wonderfully caring and loving people. My spouse is one of those people.  I am sure that as she works on herself, which she is, and I learn about her and get my issues under control we could have a great shot of staying together.

Just knowing that there is a way that I can look at to give this a shot and I am not just sitting around feeling like crap and waiting for my spouse to get herself in the right frame of mind. I can work on my end and help not make things worse.  It also helps, no matter how bad everybody's situation, that I am NOT alone here. It is really lonely sometimes as everyone can attest. 

All that to say thanks and I appreciate it this gives me something to think about and work on.  Please keep commenting, I and others need it that know where I am. One day I will be able to help others, right now I need the help... .Thanks

[Tattered Heart]

Just knowing that there is a way that I can look at to give this a shot and I am not just sitting around feeling like crap and waiting for my spouse to get herself in the right frame of mind. I can work on my end and help not make things worse.  It also helps, no matter how bad everybody's situation, that I am NOT alone here. It is really lonely sometimes as everyone can attest. 

All that to say thanks and I appreciate it this gives me something to think about and work on.  Please keep commenting, I and others need it that know where I am. One day I will be able to help others, right now I need the help... .Thanks

This has made all the difference to me. For years I just kept hoping and waiting for my H to improve because that was the key to fixing all the problems in our marriage, right? But it wasn't. It was me too. Since the beginning of the year I have been absorbing everything I can on BPD, but even more on my own response. It has made such a HUGE difference. For instance, my H has been going through a month long meltdown, but only a small % of that was directed at me, which was a huge improvement from before. I mostly chalk it up to practicing all of the tools on this website.

Changing yourself allows you to feel more confident in handling your pwBPD's issues without getting wrapped up in it. IT also allows you to control your own response and empowers you to choose your own behavior instead of just letting them happen to you.

I like this workshop on Are We Victims?