Mother with BPD

[Rimmy]

Dear people who read this,

At first: thank you for this forum. I am 38 years now and have been looking almost all my life for other people who understand. Like many of you, I knew that there were more people like me in the same situation.

Let me introduce myself first: I am a 38 year old woman from Northern Europe and my mother is diagnosed with BPD. I have a sister who is 2 years young than me. She also suffers from our mom's behavior. The relationship with my mother was never good and it goes off and on with threatening, calling names, suicide attempts and giving presents and attention. Because of that, my parents are divorced and my father doesn't want to have any contact with me. I remind him of a period he doesn't want to be reminded of. He has a new wife and children now. My grandparents practically raised me and my sister. They're still alive and kicking and they also don't understand the behavior of their daughter. I had multiple times of therapy to cope with my moms disorder, what she did to me and how I can deal with it. After another clash I had with my mother last month, I found the book 'Stop Walking On Eggshells' and when I read the introduction, I couldn't stop crying because the book was about me and about her.

I am actually looking for practical help in how to deal with her behavior because she can be so mean to my children. That she is hurting me, I don't know any different but I don't want her to hurt my children and I also don't want to break all the contacts with her. It's still my mother though. Luckily I have a very supportive husband and family. Sometimes I am so scared that me or my children also wil get a BPD disorder. It always feels safe when my mother is away and doesn't contact me for weeks but on the other hand I am always scared that she does a suicide attempt again. Although sometimes thinking about her death feels like a relief and straight after that I feel guilty. I am afraid to talk about it to other people because most people know her differently and with other ones she doesn't have contact anymore because she was having a fight with them.

Anyway, that's where I am standing now. I am happily married for almost 15 years (together for 19 years) and we have two children of 5 and 7 years. The coincidence is that 'Oz' used to be my favorite book when I was a kid and I've read 'Wicked' many times so I had to giggle and cry when I saw the 'Welcome to Oz' page. We're not in Kansas anymore... .

[Kwamina]

Hi Rimmy and welcome to our online community

Dealing with a BPD parent can be very challenging indeed. Your mother has actually been officially diagnosed with this disorder, when did she get this diagnosis? Has your mother ever received any kind of targeted treatment/therapy for her BPD?

You have children too now and I understand your concerns for how your mother's behavior might affect them. In what ways is your mother mean to your children? What kind of things does she say or do?

We have many members here with a BPD parent so I think you will definitely find people here who understand.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Rimmy]

Hi Board Parrot!
Thank you for your reply.
My mother was diagnosed with BPD since I was a child. I think I was about 7, the adults in the family spoke about it but there was not much information at that time so in our family it was called her 'imaginary disease'. My mother had various treatments from various psychiatrists. She has stopped sessions when it became too confronting for her and when she found oit she needed treatment and medication, she found another therapist and that went on and on. I am not sure if she is in therapy at this moment.

When my mother is around my kids, she is always nice to my daughter and mean to my son and my nephew. Saying things like: my daughter is so smart and beautiful but my son is stupid and ugly. She seems to enjoy seeing their reactions (and mine) when she does that. It makes them very sad. They are only 5 and 7 years old. She also brings them second hand stuff which is dirty and broken and tells them that she doesnt have any more money. A minute later she shows a new ring she bought for herself. My children don't understand why she behaves like that - they ask me questions about it - and I don't have an answer.

I'll read the recognisable stories of other people here, thanks! 

[Kwamina]

Hi again Rimmy

... .the adults in the family spoke about it but there was not much information at that time so in our family it was called her 'imaginary disease'

Do you feel like the adults in the family really acknowledged that she has a disorder? They called it her 'imaginary disease' which makes it almost sound like they believed she was making things up which could be very invalidating to a person.

Do you feel like your mother truly acknowledges and accepts her BPD diagnosis? It's unfortunate that she often did not continue with her sessions.

Saying things like: my daughter is so smart and beautiful but my son is stupid and ugly. She seems to enjoy seeing their reactions (and mine) when she does that. It makes them very sad.

This is very concerning indeed and very hurtful. To protect your children, it seems advisable to start setting some firm boundaries with your mother and also be willing to defend/enforce them when necessary. Do you generally feel comfortable setting boundaries with people and in particular with your mother?

They are only 5 and 7 years old. She also brings them second hand stuff which is dirty and broken and tells them that she doesnt have any more money. A minute later she shows a new ring she bought for herself. My children don't understand why she behaves like that - they ask me questions about it - and I don't have an answer. the recognisable stories of other people here, thanks!

I understand your children's confusion as she is sending contradictory messages here. When you were a child, did she also treat you this way?