Any kind of interaction makes me ill, even when I have all the power.

[Freeatlast_1]

So my ex is dating someone, and I am slowing starting to, verrry slow. She texted me a medical question and I answered briefly. She managed to engage me in a conversation about us saying I didn't agree to seek therapy with her and I gave up on us... .which is true. She proposed therapy for both of us and I truly believe she needs it more than anyone, she is very unstable. She started the blame game and I was ok with it, didn't care. She asked me about who I'm dating and I didn't elaborate. She said the person she is dating is "more gentle" and "validating". As much as I didn't care it annoyed me to hear it. Also, I realized she is thinking of me all the time and missing me and her life has been terrible, and she is depressed about her life and us. She also claims to be "emotionally unavailable" to the new guy. All this was sort of reassuring to me but she started the text avalanche when I hung up saying how I don't care about her health and how she is "alone". Seriously? LOL. That is the one that kept saying to me "it's over", "I can't do this", blaming me for everything and telling me how validating and gentle her new date is. Even when I realize to myself she is so sick and I am so glad I am out of it, it gave me anxiety. Even if I know she is suffering and missing me, I know it's momentarily as she will go text him and get some juice from that. She also said my new date is a "gold digger", it was kind of silly. She was projecting I felt. My point is, no matter what the interaction is, it's not good. I mean I still got anxiety no matter what. I still do miss her even if I am starting to slowly date. I still think she is fake and isn't capable of loving me, so it feels like a scam. She still wants my attention despite having her new date to call, and who can support her since it's all new and fresh. So I told her call him!

[Harley Quinn]

You sound upset and a little angered by the conversation freeatlast, and I'm not surprised as it got quite personal and involved from what I read in your post.  It must have stung to hear about the new guy and his positive traits, especially when being compared to you.  Anyone would be wounded by that.  It sounds to me like you are both hurting and lashing out a little here though, so I'm not sure anyone really has the power.

What have you taken from the call/texts about where you are in your detaching?  I'm curious to know if you feel you are ready to date or if it's possible that you are doing so as a way to level the playing field.  Forgive me if I am suggesting something here that is off base.

Love and light x 

[Hisaccount]

If you want to jump start your healing process, end the way she makes you feel. Then go no contact, block everything. Don't talk to friends that want to keep you involved with her.
In your strongest moments you need to prepare for your weakest. Block everything. uninstall apps, whatever it takes.
Like my son kept telling me what he was seeing on facebook and I had to tell him to stop I don't care and I don't want to know.

I got lucky, my ex lawyerd up and forced no contact. Once she tried to end it, I just maintained it because even though I didn't think it was the answer and it wasn't my choice to initiate it, I immediately found myself feeling better everyday. Thinking less of her. My fear and anxiety faded quickly.

My ex forced me to sell the house in the divorce. It was the only thing I asked to keep. After it was all settled and time to move I was working there, cleaning for the new owner and she shows up.
She tried to be friendly and nice but instantly all of the fear and anger and hurt came flooding back. I didn't hear half of what she said.
I simply said I am out of here and grabbed my jacket.
She started following me like a normal argument saying we can work together to finish clearing the house.

I said you made your choice and walked out and left.

It took a couple of days for the fear to leave again. I was worried she would be calling or texting or dropping by or something. Luckily I already had as much blocked as I could and nobody knew where I was living.

But once I tasted that freedom of no BPD in my life it drove my desire to keep it that way.

[Skip]

Looking down from 35,000 feet... .

I think you were on to something when you said you were an abandonment junkie. It's impressive that you have that self-awareness.

Have you thought about the implications that house with respect to having a healthy relationship.

At this point in your life, do you know what you are you looking for in a relationship? Do you have a tangible model in your mind?  Or are you more in the date and go with the flow mode?

[SuperJew82]

It's PTSD. The basics are the same as when a war-torn vet hears fireworks... .

I know you feel that she thinks these things, but maybe she is just keeping the channel open to satisfy her emotional thurst. It's a hallmark of the disorder. I've been on both sides of the table here.

When I was seriously dating my exdBPDgf, I found her getting text at night while we were in bed - caught a glimpse of a very flirtatious dialog. Well come to find out she would "string" a couple of guys on the side at all times. When something went wrong or stressful... .that's who she would jet off to.

After breaking up with her, she would text me when she was at a guys house trying to invoke an emotional response in many ways.

It sucked and hurt. The only way I could get my sanity back was to go NC with her. She will continue finding reasons to message you. You don't think she can get a doctors appointment?

You might want to consider going no contact while you collect your thoughts, doc. It was hard for me. I nearly got a restraining order.

[Freeatlast_1]

Skip - I know what I want, a healthy relationship. I am aware of what that looks like. I want to want to be with someone and not need to be with them due to attachment or addiction. Having said that, this is a fresh break up. Everything I have ever feared got triggered and I need to do whatever it takes to get me to stay as positive as possible. I was/am addicted to my ex, I also feel love and care towards her, I miss her a lot, and the pain is very deep. Dating has made things better in general. Talking with new women, meeting, having drinks etc just helps me balance out. I own a business and I have not been able to concentrate and focus when I think of my ex. I noticed that when I am texting others, I can do more work. Now I am not out to use anyone, and I tell them all the truth, that I am recently been out of a toxic relationship and I want to casually date. If that doesn't fit them, they have the option to cut it short from our first phone conversation. Now in the long run, as I heal through mindfulness, self love, exercise, friends, etc, I will assess my dating situation. If I feel there is a person who is worth while having a relationship with, I will open that door. At this point, I am in survival mode. When I heard my ex today, I felt so much love for her despite all we went through. She has a lot of good features about her and it's so sad that she has no control over her mind most of the time. She would love to have control but she knows she can't and is that aware. She also has been having financial problems and was telling me how hurt he is that she stopped therapy, knowing that with her BPD and stressful time in her life, it's hard for her to regulate. She said that she is going through a depression and losing control, and therapy was her go to.

Hisaccount - going NC is best but it's very hard. I am an MD, my ex is a psychologist. When she is sane, we talk and bond amazingly. So I try to keep it LC now that she knows there are other women in my life and she expects me to be unavailable. I also know she has someone else in her life. We are both hurting here. She still asked me to go to therapy together and I declined again. She will blame me for everything I know it, so I think it's futile. I would be spending 1000s and still in the end she will screw me over.

Harley, see my response to skip in regards to the dating and my intention, it's not to level out the playing field. But yes, we are both hurting. We both miss each other. We both wish it would work. We both are trying to distract with others. At the same time, I know I can't change her and I doubt therapy would. I know she will always disrespect, yell, distort, seek endless validation, blame, split. Even after a year of DBT she still does that. So after 5 years, maybe it will curb it a bit but she won't be the woman I ultimately am looking for. I am looking for someone patient, calm, soothing, understanding, a listener, someone who can validate me occasionally, someone who gives as much as she takes (my ex just takes). So yes, she isn't what I am looking for. But somehow I allowed myself to love her for all her good parts and she has plenty of them.

[Skip]

Skip - I know what I want, a healthy relationship.

Sure. But that is a concept. What are the tangible parts of that? For example, are you looking for a partner to support children and build a home life? What are you trying to build - if anything?

The reasons I ask is that you describe your partner and relationship and your attraction in self defeating ways. For example, she is most attractive to you when she is leaving you.

See what I am saying?

[Freeatlast_1]

Sure. But that is a concept. What are the tangible parts of that? For example, are you looking for a partner to support children and build a home life? What are you trying to build - if anything?

The reasons I ask is that you describe your partner and relationship and your attraction in self defeating ways. For example, she is most attractive to you when she is leaving you.

See what I am saying?

I guess that was a misunderstanding. She is definitely not attractive when she leaves. But due to the fact that I think I am an abandonoholic I freak out when she leaves and due to the addiction, I want it all back at any cost. That is very self sabotaging in every way. I am trying to reach a point when I am stronger and can follow my voice of reason while aware of what's happening to my psychology and physiology. I need to be more in control of my mind and not allow myself to go on autopilot. It's not an easy task, some days are better than other days. I am taking it a day at a time.

About the partner, at this point, I don't know what I want anymore. At this point, I just want healthy relationship and someone with the above character set. Kids/no kids, family/no family, are all irrelevant to me now. I just want a companion I can relax with without being on my toes all the time. Maybe once the PTSD is better I can focus on the details.