99% sure that the mother of my child/ex has BPD and we are in a custody battle

[WeldedHeart]

I am new to this but I am in need of some advice.

Here's my story:
After 3 years of dating, we got pregnant with our 3yo daughter. We were together for 6 years and the last year and a half was miserable... .sleeping in separate beds, eating separate meals... we were pretty much roommates. This didn't stop her from trying to control my every move, however. If she came home upset from work, she would take it out on me. If I went to see a movie with a couple friends, she would accuse me of neglecting our daughter... These types of allegations happened pretty much daily.  I spent the 3 years of my daughters life every single day with her. I dropped her off at pre-school and picked her up after work. I took her to museums, aquarium, movies, you name it. I lived for my daughter and to hear all of these nasty things my ex would say about me right in front of her, ripped me apart emotionally. I would be called "piece of $hit", "fatherless prick" (my step father died when I was 16, my biological father died when I was 17), "You'll never get paid more", "worthless", etc. Enough was enough...   After several weeks of her telling me to GTFO of the house we both rented together, I decided to contact our Landlord, explained the situation, had him write up an addendum to the lease allowing me to be taken off the lease. She signed it and I moved out and got my own place a few miles down the street. We had discussed visitation verbally and she told me that I would get our daughter "frequently" because "that was fair". I took her word for it which was my first mistake. It took me 45 days to see my daughter. No contact. Nothing. I hired a lawyer and the lawyer told me that I cannot see her unless my ex allows me to. I contacted my ex's older brother and he contacted her to allow me to see our daughter. My daughters eyes lit up when she first saw me and she ran over "daddy! daddy!" and gave me a big hug. I couldn't hold back the tears from not being able to see my little angel for so long. We discussed that I could see her every other weekend as long as her brother was there to supervise. This told me that she had spread all of these lies to her entire family and friends so I was viewed not only by the courts but by her family as a violent man. This is incredibly scary for me as it could not be further from the truth. I feel like all of those people that I got a long with so well for 6 years are looking at me in disdain. I went on hunting trips with her brother and father. I would volunteer to do her mothers landscaping for her. Helped her mother clean out her garage. I mean, I feel like all of that is completely forgotten about all because of the lies that she spews from her mouth.  I visited with my daughter twice over the last month. On the last visit, she said I could choose where to meet up. I chose the Childrens Museum because my daughter really enjoys going there. My ex immediately rejected that and her reason was, "I don't want to just follow you around with a lot of people around". I told her that she could choose where we met up. I also wanted to let her know that I would like my mom to go as well because she hasn't seen her granddaughter in over 4 months and is pretty heartbroken about it. That's when things shifted. She told me that having my mom show up is unacceptable and that from now on, I would need to hire for supervised visitation until the RMC 2 1/2 months from now.

I am trying to reach out to her so we can sit down and come up with a parenting plan we can both agree on. I even offered the same visitation plan that she had established on her original petition as long she removed the supervised visitation and history of domestic violence from the plan. She refused. I don't know if it is because it will make her look bad for falsely accusing me if she removes it or if she has actually convinced herself that I am the monster she makes me out to be. Either way I am in a stand still and am looking for a way to communicate with her that will allow at least SOME progress. She is completely putting herself before our daughter and I view it as abusive towards our daughter. I don't know how my daughter is doing at any given time. Please help

[soundofmusicgirl]

you need to go and file for a temporary visitation plan asap. This story could have been written by my husband. They did not have a visitation plan court ordered at first. Wich led to his BPDxw dictating every little detail of the visits. She brought her mom, herself and several of her relatives and friends to each visit. Whenever my husband tried to hug his children or get close to them in any way, someone from her crew would quickly get between him and the kids. She did not allow him to make his own agenda with the kids. She told him exactly what they would be doing and when. She did not even allow him to toss a soccer ball around. We finally hired someone to "supervise" a visit, because we wanted a professional to write a report. It is actually not easy finding an agency that will do it without a court order. My husbands BPDxw always went on and on about how she will not allow him to see children without her supervision. The tip of the iceberg was, when he travelled for 7 hours (plane and car ride) to see his children and took off an entire weekend to fly cross-country for this, she allowed him to see his kids for 2 whole hours! Then she said they were too busy.
Well, that showed him he had to go to court asap. They did a full custody evaluation and the judge immediately granted him (before the custody evaluation was completed) his first overnight weekend visit without any supervision. When the court order finally came out my husband got a good visitation plan and no supervision (because BPDxw is just plain crazy and everybody saw how unreasonable her request was).

[ForeverDad]

As much as you may fear a court making her more upset or making a bad order for parenting, the fact is she won't willingly gift you more than crumbs.  A comment I've made here sometimes is that court is more likely to be "less unfair" than the ex.

Right now she is convinced she is The Authority and you have to comply with her dictates.  The reality is that court is The Real Authority, though it admittedly does act very slowly and in small steps.  So it is crucial that you get the best order you can get from the start.  Accepting crumbs just to avoid impasses and obstruction will make it harder to get the substantive improvements you need later.

[takingandsending]

WeldedHeart,

Unless there has been some type of restraining order filed, your L's advice that you can't see your daughter unless xw allows it makes no sense. You need to find an L who is versed in high conflict divorce representing clients who have N/BPD spouses. Next, you need to start preparing a strategy for how to put a temporary parenting plan in to place that gains you some access to your daughter. It may take a while. Very important to document everything, all time, that you do spend with your daughter and all conditions that your xw has imposed for those visits. File petition for dissolution of marriage as soon as possible, as this puts you both under a restraining order preventing her (or you) from relocating.

Like ForeverDad said, given the minimal access you already have, you are better to move this to court as quickly as you can, with the right lawyer. You may want to read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy, as it will describe the things you are already going through and help you to prioritize and strategize what you can do to protect your daughter and also yourself.