hello

[Meh77]

A friend recommended this site to me.  My mother is bi-polar and is also thought to have BPD.  I'm an adult, but because of my medical issues, I'm living with her.  We've always had a very rocky relationship, but it's becoming even worse.  While I'd love to move out, that's not a viable reality because I just get SSI, need housing assistance, and right now, the waiting lists are closed in my area.  It might take 5 years to even get on a waiting list.  Also, because of my mother's inability to control herself and her spending, she's 'borrowed' all the money I had saved to move out when I was able to find a place to go.  So, even if I found a place to live tomorrow, I wouldn't have the money to pay for moving expenses.  I've been even having to pay for her housing repairs.  I do pay her rent each month, but she continues to spend money on things that aren't necessities.  She's even stolen my debit card from me... .  We are going to family therapy together, however, it's really not helping.  She also sees a therapist by herself, and to be completely honest, she seems worse.  I've met the doctor before, and have even spoke with him (with my mom's permission), and he almost seems to enable her.  In the past, she's even said that he suggested she stop seeing him because he didn't think he was helping her.  I'm not currently seeing a therapist privately because it's become very hard in my area to find one that accepts Medicaid.  I have many times in the past, and my mom usually becomes more hostile as I find more self worth.  I know I need to get away from her, but I literally have no where to go, and no funds to move out even if I did.  I'm at a complete loss with what to do, and because of having to deal with this my entire life, I feel totally broken.   

[CaliGirl25]

  Hello,
I apologize that you are going through this. Please do not think that you are the only one in the STUCK situation. I am also in a similar situation with my mother. Have you done anything to practice self-care? It actually helps to keep you centered. I know setting a boundary with mom is NOT EVER a simple thing. Please Hang in there, I know it's really difficult. But, please remember it won't always be like this.

[Turkish]

Meh77,

Being trapped sounds so much more stressful than dealing with a disordered parent in another home.  What kinds of problems are you having? We have many communication tools which can help reduce conflict.  Take a look at the pinned topics at the top of the board.  We can direct you to things which may work,  and will of course support you 

Turkish

[Meh77]

Even when in college, it was quite difficult, and I lived hours away.  Pretty much everything revolves around her and her desires.  She's spending money she doesn't have on trivial things, then expects me to rescue her.  The a/c quit working during the summer, and I had to pay up over $600 in repair bills.  I'm in the south, and summers are horrible here, then add my medical issues that make me very sensitive to heat.  The a/c had to be taken care of.  She'll say she doesn't have money for food, yet will go out and buy a cake at the store, plus cigarettes, and other non essentials.  I must do anything she wants, or I'll never hear the end of it.   Even when I'm very ill, she'll insist that I do something for her because it's "important."  One time recently, I was quite ill, suddenly started vomiting, and she kept asking me to help her add a contact to her email address.  Even when I told her no, that I felt like I was about to pass out, that I needed to go to sleep, she started knocking on my door to help with this.  She knew I had just vomited.  It happened so fast that I didn't have time to shut the bathroom door, so she heard me.  Yesterday was my birthday, and she even asked me what I was making her for dinner.  She's very impulsive, has been talked to about this by the therapist we see together, and when I called the therapist in tears over my mom's latest thing, the therapist didn't know what to do because my mom has pretty much refused to do anything.  She's very good at saying what she thinks people want to hear, especially doctors, and then does what she wants.  One of the biggest issues is trying to get my money back.  She's on disability retirement, burns though money like crazy, cannot save, and I desperately need the money back I loaned her.    I have no way out unless I get that money back, and I think in some way, she wants it like that. 

Meh77,

Being trapped sounds so much more stressful than dealing with a disordered parent in another home.  What kinds of problems are you having? We have many communication tools which can help reduce conflict.  Take a look at the pinned topics at the top of the board.  We can direct you to things which may work,  and will of course support you 

Turkish

[Meh77]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar circumstance.  It's very draining.  I haven't been doing enough for myself, and I'm slowly trying to take care of myself too.  It's very hard to do when I catch hell when I do things simply for myself.  She's even complained about when I want to shower.

 Hello,
I apologize that you are going through this. Please do not think that you are the only one in the STUCK situation. I am also in a similar situation with my mother. Have you done anything to practice self-care? It actually helps to keep you centered. I know setting a boundary with mom is NOT EVER a simple thing. Please Hang in there, I know it's really difficult. But, please remember it won't always be like this.

[Meh77]

Well, it just got worse.  At the family therapy session, she announced that to bring in more money for herself, she plans on taking on a boarder, and that I have zero say in the matter.  She even mentioned that if she cannot find someone she knows, then she'll look in the newspaper for someone... .  How's that for a safe and sane environment to live it.  Then add the fact that there's known toxic mold growing in the house, and the house needs major repairs.  Pretty much anyone with any sense would run the opposite way.  I'm so worn out. 

[Turkish]

What's with the toxic mold? Does the therapist know about that,  and what about the debit card she stole from you?

[Meh77]

From what some repair people said, they think before she bought the house, there was flooding, and the sellers hid it.  Later, after she bought it, toxic mold was found.  Yes, the therapist knows about it, and thinks it's a bad idea to bring someone into the house knowing that's an issue.  Also, if the government finds out, they could make us leave the house until it's fixed  (no money to fix it, of course.   They entire house would have to be brought down to the studs, then tented, then sprayed for mold).  That would leave both of us homeless.  The therapist also knows about the debit card she stole too.  My mom's out of control, and the therapist admits there's not much she can do. 

What's with the toxic mold? Does the therapist know about that,  and what about the debit card she stole from you?

[Meh77]

From what some repair people said, they think before she bought the house, there was flooding, and the sellers hid it.  Later, after she bought it, toxic mold was found. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention, when I went to see a PCP about my breathing issues, constant infections, and what the lab report said about the type of molds, the PCP said I needed to see an infectious disease specialist.  Of course, if I see one, it will be reported to the state, and they'll say the house cannot be lived in until mold remediation happens.  When my mom found out what would happen if I went to a specialist, she said I couldn't go since she'd lose her house.  Of course, she cannot force me not to go, but I'd also have a problem of where to live, and no money to find a place to go.  Because of where I live, the constant natural disasters around the area, and how conservative the state is, assistance is very difficult to find.  Once some housing programs start to open up after being swamped by people needing assistance after a disaster, then another natural disaster happens, and waiting lists are closed down again.  There are even waiting lists at homeless shelters right now, and they'll only allow someone to stay a max of 2 weeks.