Need ideas to defuse situation for school meeting

[polaris9]

My uBPD wife and I have a 15 yo daughter (15d) who has an autism spectrum disability.  15d is having a difficult time at school and the school has been communicating with my wife and 15d's nanny caregiver and they just contacted me and would like us both to come in to the meeting.  I spoke to the vice-principal and she said that my wife has, at times, responded to emails or phone calls irrationally.  In addition my wife wants to bring a lawyer to this meeting which, of course, sets off the school board as they will lawyer up as well.

I am very worried that this will send my wife into a rage and she will say that I am not allowed to attend.  But I feel that I must attend as my wife is not capable of handling this in my 15d's best interest.

Any ideas on how to defuse this when I talk to her tonight about the meeting which is coming up in two days?

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[Hisaccount]

The school would set up two different meetings for us. at least 1/2 hour apart.

I had always been the more involved one with the school, so I straight out told the principal this is how we need to do this for everyone's best interest.
Did not openly bash the other parent but simply said it would be best, I should have the second meeting and if mom doesn't find out then that would be okay as well.

Seems that most teachers and principals appreciate that as they all have been through some pretty ugly things over the years and are happy to keep it upbeat and not pry.

[polaris9]

I thought about that but the problem is that we may have to make some decisions, like whether to try a different school, or other strategies to improve the outcome.  Doing that in two meetings could be hard to do as my wife and I may not agree on the course of action that should be taken.

My wife has also "threatened" that we should move 15d to $80,000/yr private school.

[Hisaccount]

Well that sucks and it does make it more difficult.

Can she make decisions like that without you? Or is she required to discuss with you?

Sorry, not sure how to navigate your situation. Still would it hurt to call the school and try to get a heads up? Never hurts to be prepared. That way you can help them navigate a good solution and get mom to approve it.

[polaris9]

Given the current situation - that the school knows that she has some "issues" they will likely want to hear from me as well and I will insist that I get some input into the decision.  To be honest I feel guilty that I haven't been more involved in the past as I don't think she is always making the correct decisions for our children but at times I have agreed with her rather than cause conflict.  But that has the potential to inflame and I don't want my 15d to suffer.

In recent years as her mental health has deteriorated her first instinct is to "go nuclear" with health care providers, schools, etc and she wants to call in lawyers and sue people - and we are in Canada which is much less litigious than the US.  She has called the police in the past to complain about the school - I don't think it was at all justified but I couldn't stop it although I did try to talk her out of it.  But teachers were suspended for a bit when they complaint was being investigated.