How Do I Pick Myself Back Up?

[hobbit]

Hi. I don't know where else to turn ... .I read about BPD in a book and I cried so much ... .Because I could finally say to myself I cannot blame me for everything ... .For the last 6 years a felt so guilty for everything ... .Constantly watching my step, word, action ... .So he would not start accusing me, putting me down, shouting at me, telling me to leave and locking me out of his apartment to show me to get out of his life ... .I felt guilty and I felt his reactions were all my fault. Very sad story led me to this day. I will only write facts I am dealing right now and I need help with. I have no friends (I had to let everyone go because everyone was either against him or I was guilty because I left him alone and not "giving a damn". I have no self-esteem (I am recovering by affirmations and positive thinking- not working very much, very slow process). I am stressed all the time, shaking. Not to be able to go to the store normally or spend quality time outside. I feel sick to my stomach, my back and my bones hurt. I believe it is a depression, so I decided to go to the therapist. I had my first session. I am scared she will not be able to understand the situation and will not be able to help me. My boyfriend is such a nice person, he is thoughtful, caring, gentle, charming. In his arms I feel unbelievable. Intimacy is just crazy super. But when he "tilts", it is worse than hurricane. I am not sure what to do. I love him so much it hurts (literally). Because of my love for him I destroyed myself and now I don't know how to pick myself up and what to do with the relationship ... .I am so confused and have no one to talk about my feelings because no one understands my situation ... .

I will be very thankful for every kind and constructive word on this writing ... .Have a lovely day, everybody  
Love, H.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WildernessMan]

Hobbit - I'm sorry for your suffering. I've been married to a woman with BPD for 21 years. Although there have been good times, there have been lots of bad too. We have 3 kids but one is grown, still living with us, who also has severe BPD.

As others here will tell, the most important thing to do is protect your own sanity. BPD is the most confusing and conflicted thing you will ever deal with trust me. Self care is #1 priority.

So you are pretty sure he has BPD?

[hobbit]

Hi, WildernessMan. I am so sorry to hear that, this is really frustrating life ... .We love so much, we want to be there for them but there are times that they hurt us soo much ... .

My partner ... .He himself knew for a long time something is not ok. Long before we met he visited his doctor. He was prescribed with pills for anxiety, sleeping pills and anti depressant pills. A cocktail. He did his own research and discovered the best medical term: manic depression. He was living with it perfectly for first year we were together. Than it started to get worse. He drunks and abuses other unhealthy substances. Now for five years, he had not quit and in the last months he is losing it so much it is not just verbal any more. With me, he literally has two sides. No one else knows about this. He keeps his second side at home, for me  ... .Nobody believes me, even my best friend left me because she could not understand me. Sometimes he loses it on the streets but that is not very often. He does know what he is doing, he blacks out. He does not hear anyone, he just explodes. There are moments or days he is so gentle, like a kitten with me. I make him feel safe - but I have to do what he says and I really have to watch everything I do so he does not feel unsafe or betrayed. But everything I do is a betray for him and he fells he is not loved. I am really losing it, I don't know any more who I am and what to do. Otherwise he is such a nice person, he did some important things to me and I just don't want to abandon him. But on the other side, I want to live happy, not shaking my whole body all the time ... .

Thank You for every nice word ... . 
Love, H.

[WildernessMan]

 hobbit - isn't it so frustrating.

I took off work today to get away for the day. Right now, as I type this message, I am touring a motorcycle museum. There are about 1500 motorcycles to see and I'm enjoying it, even though the gears are turning in the back of my mind concerning my situation.

Please take care of yourself in a similar way. Dont allow yourself to be consumed by his deep problems. You are here on earth to live your life. Live it and love it! You only get one life. Please dont waste it with worry about a troubled sole.

Move forward from today. You will soon look back to these days and realize it was just a small bump in the road!

[hobbit]

WildernessMan, I did not catch - are you still in this relationship with her?

[hobbit]

WildernessMan, I did not catch - are you still in this relationship with her?

Ok, I saw ... .You are still living together So it can be done ! I am so glad to hear that 

[WildernessMan]

Yes for now.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi hobbit,

Welcome ,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time in your relationship. Therapy will really help you. Just be honest with your T about things going on, how it's great one minute then bad the next. I'm sure she has seen this time and time again in her career.

I was in the same place as you a year ago. I had lost all hope of everything, my self worth, my sanity. I even doubted what was real and what wasn't. Now I am in the best place I have been in for over 10 years. My H still has a lot of issues, but I have taken care of myself. I've learned better communication skills and my response to him helps him from taking out so much on me.

One of the easiest and first communication skills I began practicing were Validation . Learning to understand what our pwBPD is saying behind their words is essential because then you can begin to show empathy towards them and that in turn will help them see that you are listening to them. Does that make sense.

When your H gets angry, how do you usually respond?

[hobbit]

Tattered Heart, thank You very much for your words.

I really did not understand a single thing before reading about BPD, nothing made sense to me ... .Now I see why he is acting that way. I see fear in general and fear for loss all over him. So now I respond, bearing this in my mind. The last time he wanted to put me down with his words, I kindly said to him I will not tolerate that kind of vocabulary. Either we stop talking and continue when he will feel ready to speak without putting me down and feeling me as I have no worth. He was confused at first because he was used to my instant apologies ... .He hugged me and I whispered to him that I believe that he is just scared and that is OK, but he can respond nicer and in a better way. And that he really HAS TO learn how to deal wit his emotions and reactions. It was a good evening then, everything OK. (I still cannot forget he threatened me over the phone for no real reason that he will kill me and all my family, yelling so hard, blacked out and headed his way to get to me ... .I was so scared I cannot put it in words ... .I solved that incident too, but it cannot get out of my mind, that is why I made it clear he is responsible for his reactions and he has to learn how to control himself ... .I don't know if he understood me at all - so I believe it is important I stick to my boundaries now. )

I have my mind set on one thing only: to let things go as they go. But to care for myself first. No apologizing, no begging, no more caring for him as he is a baby ... .I put myself first and he will have to accept it. I will go from there and see ... .At the end, all that matters to me is to get better and happier with myself. To get in contact with people again and spend some quality time around new friends ... .The old ones are really gone for me  

Unfortunately in my country there are few therapists that really know and understand BPD (if any). So it is hard to get proper advice or even treatment. That is why I connected here, to relax myself and learn that this is real and not just in my imagination - and how to handle everything from now on ... .It is really helpful.

Have a nice evening  
Love, H.