Forgiveness and BPD

[sarahhealing]

Hi,

First, I'd like to say that I'm so incredibly thankful to have found this board and group. I'm still a newcomer and have found so many great resources and readings here so far. I'm only starting the journey, but recently in therapy, I've found the topic of forgiveness really coming up. I'm working on shifting my own personal idea about 'forgiveness.' One of my struggles is shifting my perspective on 'forgiveness.' For example, with my mom, I feel like when I think back to a lot of the traumatic things she's said or done, I really struggle to 'forgive.' I feel like if I forgive her, it'll be like me saying all the things she said and done are 'ok.' I'm trying to shift my perspective to 'forgiveness' being about helping myself and releasing myself from carrying around the pain and anger I have about it. I find myself really hurt about not getting what I needed from her, and sometimes I just feel really lonely. But lately, I think that a lot of my anger is surfacing as well.

Some of the things are very old and from years ago, but since she continues to do the same versions of these things, even recent things can trigger the memories of past hurts. In that way, it's also very easy for me to go to this pattern. I'll talk about a past trauma or hurt with my therapist and maybe even get to a place where I feel I forgive her. But if she does the same thing again (which I know she will), I then feel 'stupid' for having forgiven it in the first place. I already know the patterns, and I know that they're not going to change. I can also see how my current definition of forgiveness has a hidden agenda related to my mom changing her behavior.

I'm really interested to know if anyone else has struggled specifically with forgiveness related to trauma or the past with a BP. Does anyone have any suggested readings or even stories of how they've been able to forgive a BP mom or family member?

[Turkish]

Good topic,  and a common struggle here for members. 

My T told me,  "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." Sounds Biblical... .or from spiderman, maybe both. 

I don't think he was encouraging me to enable,  but rather to realize that the problem people on my life are "limited," as he would say.  This implies radical acceptance. 

[Enabler]

But lately, I think that a lot of my anger is surfacing as well.

I wonder whether or not we dodge this subject too much on the forum. There is a lot of frustration and anger in peoples writing but we rarely ever come out and say how angry we've actually been.         MY HAND IS UP AND WAVING FURIOUSLY... .I'VE BEEN FURIOUS WITH THE FRUSTRATION OF MY uBPDw's BEHAVIOURS                     . You have this adult, she looks like an adult, smells like an adult, walks like an adult and can be served in bars no problem... .but when the poop hits the fan just doesn't behave like an adult. It's maddening. She now can't rationalise my anger with marital love and wants a divorce, and weirdly I understand how she can't.

[heartandwhole]

Hi sarahhealing,  

I am so glad that you brought up this topic. I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately, too. And I recently listened to a podcast that really helped me to reflect on what forgiveness means to me.

I find myself really hurt about not getting what I needed from her, and sometimes I just feel really lonely. But lately, I think that a lot of my anger is surfacing as well.

I can very much relate to your feelings. My relationship with my brother broke down during and after the death of my father a few years ago, and we are trying to rebuild it. It's been really difficult. I have been holding on to a lot of resentment and anger, and I suspect he has, too. It makes "giving as before" very tough.

I can also see how my current definition of forgiveness has a hidden agenda related to my mom changing her behavior.

I think this is huge. What a great insight. So many of us tend to (wrongly, in my opinion) conflate forgiveness with condoning or approving of behavior that is harmful or hurtful. Or thinking that by accepting it, we have to continue to subject ourselves to it.

Recently, after having spent some time with my brother (much of it tense), when he was leaving to go home (that makes it easier, of course!), something inside of me just decided to open up to him. I'm not sure why at that moment. I guess I was tired of holding on, and cramping my heart into a tight little ball, if that makes sense. I had still been feeling hurt and defensive around him, but at that moment, something lifted and the weight and physical tightness of keeping that story running let go. It felt sweet and much lighter. I was able to say goodbye with lots of real connection and emotion. I felt free not only to connect with him, but with myself and my heart just felt more open in general.

Is that similar to how you feel in therapy when you get to those moments?

Does anyone have any suggested readings or even stories of how they've been able to forgive a BP mom or family member?

As a matter of fact, I do.   The podcast I mentioned above is by Tara Brach, PhD. She is a psychologist/therapist and Buddhist teacher. What really resonated with me in the podcast was how she described forgiveness being about us. She describes that it is how we release our hearts from the armor that is trying to protect us, but which actually keeps us from opening up to ourselves and others.

In other words, forgiving our loved ones who have hurt us sets us free, not them.  Free to love ourselves and others. Free to open to ourselves, other people, and to life and all its experiences. It reminds me of how we try to suppress just "negative" emotions with all manner of distractions, numbing, etc., but then wonder why we can't feel any joy either. We can't selectively suppress.  

In a similar way, I suspect that we can't completely "block" one person from our hearts and be as open and intimate with everyone else as we'd like to be. And especially, with ourselves, which I feel is the most important, and makes everything else possible.

Thanks for letting me share. I'd love to hear your and others' thoughts.

heartandwhole

P.S. the content I describe above starts about 13 minutes into the audio/video.

[spine]

I'll definitely have to check out the Tara Brach resources.  I myself have found a lot of comfort in Brené Brown's work.

www.theforgivenessproject.com/resources/

I think some of the conflation is related to the vulnerability she speaks of.  It's just so hard to open oneself up and be vulnerable when you can just feel that a response is going to be a sharp jab to the gut and twist what was shared against you somehow... .but there is hope!

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

[Panda39]

The advantage of being on these boards awhile is my memory of some discussions I've been a part of and I remember good "Forgiveness" discussion that you might like to check out... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277417.0

Panda39