Leaving home from NPD/BPD alcoholic mother

[lucky013]

Recently been speaking to my father about my mother and what she was like in the relationship and it turns out she has been the same for the past 30 years. They have been divorced 20 years, my father is in a new relationship with his with and child and never argue, have a happy life.

I also found out my mother was raised by my co-dependant grandparents, who actually seem to function very well together (grandma was abused by uncle age 6 and grandad, brother and dad died very young) They have both been caregivers to each other.

I thought my mother's problem was caused by my father and the abusive relationships she has had since, however, I'm starting to believe that she is the one that is pushing these guys to the limit where they crack and kick back at her. I'm not condoning what happened to her (physical and once sexual abuse with more recent partners or which one ended up killing himself, however, he had a troubled upbringing), whoever I have always experienced this as her son, she is never happy with what you do or has done.
she had a failed married at age 18 with a wealthy family, who could give her everything she wanted. When my dad and she were together she was only happy when he was working 24/7 and doing stuff on the house. He was a builder.
As am I and all she cares about now is doing up the house, cleaning and controlling me and my sister.

Once that project is complete and the next one begins. Which is exactly what my dad explained.
She is extremely passive aggressive and high-functioning alcoholic/OCD. She has such a high pride in that she brought us kids up on our own but she never really gave us the emotional love we needed. We lived in a clean nice house etc, but she was always just drinking or smoking in the kitchen on her own. She lives and breaths drama, Once she has finished her daily rituals, cleaning etc.
If I and my sister have eaten, she won't cook and go straight to the bottle of wine and sit and eat hummus and crisps for dinner and watch all the soaps recorded like 4/5 different series, whilst doing that play candy crush.

I have literally given up and have no strength to make any of my own decisions in life, me and my sister both plans on leaving to go to Australia and both are feeling a deep sense of fog.

I have been out of work for a year now as however, I ran my own business for 9 years and never left home because the fear of my mother hitting the bottle hard and killing herself.

I have been learning about this for around 5 years and had about 7 relationships with NPD/BPD girls from age of 13.

I know that being her is no good for me or any of us but I feel completely trapped and not able to make a change, I just got into dissociation as its all to much to deal with anymore.

Much Love

Any advice etc would be much appreciated

Lucky013

[Kwamina]

Hi lucky013

I remember your first post on this board. How's your shoulder now?

Having a BPD parent can often be very difficult as you and your sister unfortunately know quite well from your own experiences.

You say you never left home before out of fear that your mother would end up killing herself. Is this fear based on her drinking habits or has your mother in the past also made explicit suicidal gestures? Has she perhaps ever threatened to hurt or kill herself if you would do something she does not like?

You also mention starting to dissociate as a coping mechanism. I am sorry you are having such a hard time with all of this. To help you in your healing process, I strongly encourage you to go through the Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. You can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board, the guide takes us from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, are there any areas that particularly resonate with where you are at now?

Like many of our members, you started out posting on other boards. Have you already come across the various communication techniques such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.? If so, have you tried applying these techniques to your mother?

Take care and welcome to Coping & Healing

The Board Parrot

[lucky013]

It's getting better but far from right been an ongoing problem for around 10 years however determined to get it fixed or a way to manage it so I can move forward.

She did attempt once at a very dark period of her life but have never seen it since, however, she has always had a bad habit with drink, moving from couple glasses a night to a couple bottles. Usually after a breakup or when she is feeling lonely/stressed.

Ok, i will have a look through both those guides.

I have tried many methods already, therapy/counselling as a child when my parents divorced, Tried writing letters to each other and in person, usually only lasts about a week before it becomes how it was before. I usually just avoid her but going out the house or going in my room.

Thanks for your response
Much love