Problems with sex and BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I've been with my partner for years and I'm pretty sure he suffers with BPD. He's on medication and counselling but no formal diagnosis of anything as yet.

Anyway... .sex has been a problem for a while. He wants sex frequently and has a particular fetish that I don't share but over the years have tried compromising by doing less intense versions of it. I've said no to going any further and he wasn't happy to say the least. All he says is well expect our sex life to go down hill rapidly... .I've tried my best but he seems to not want to compromise on his side. If I come onto him he deliberately says no to prove a point. He doesn't take advantage when I'm feeeling horny then complains at the times when I'm not. He even admits he does this and I say it's not helping but he stubbornly doesnt seem to care.

He says I don't open up and tell him what I want but I have done and it's like he wants me to admit some deep, underlying kink that I quite frankly don't have. I'm pretty adventurous and have tried and enjoyed various things over the years. Now it's because he needs excitement and all I see is he uses sex as self medication and is addicted to the fetish he has and can't enjoy sex without it. I feel used as what I want doesn't matter unless it's what he wants. If I try to use parts of his fetish in bed he is really sensitive and I can say one thing wrong and everything is ruined. It's causing performance issues for him too, as well as the medication that doesn't help.

I need to feel happy and good to be in the mood and I don't think he even realised this. The bad thing is the fetish involves me specifically so because even though I've tried it's just not good enough. I can't please him with anything else and my suggestions at compromise are just dismissed.

Does anyone else have problems like these? It's a big deal and is effecting other parts of our relationship. He says to just be like all the other couples that don't share everything sexually (basically saying most men cheat, especially after long term relationships because of boredom in the bedroom) and that he craves excitement. He blames me for this but all I can see is his issues being the cause of many of our problems. I'm not saying I'm totally innocent and my reactions don't help sometimes, I'm working on this myself through research and practice.

It's been a long time coming for him to even admit a problem and to get help and it's only early days in that sense. I just want to support and be there for him but his behaviours are destroying the very relationship we are trying to protect. He keeps telling me to stop focusing on diagnosis but there is no other mental illness that matches his behaviour like BPD and I've read it's not easy to treat unless a roper diagnosis is made.

Is it always this hard?

[Muia]

Hi all,

I've been with my partner for years and I'm pretty sure he suffers with BPD. He's on medication and counselling but no formal diagnosis of anything as yet.

Anyway... .sex has been a problem for a while. He wants sex frequently and has a particular fetish that I don't share but over the years have tried compromising by doing less intense versions of it. I've said no to going any further and he wasn't happy to say the least. All he says is well expect our sex life to go down hill rapidly... .I've tried my best but he seems to not want to compromise on his side. If I come onto him he deliberately says no to prove a point. He doesn't take advantage when I'm feeeling horny then complains at the times when I'm not. He even admits he does this and I say it's not helping but he stubbornly doesnt seem to care.

He says I don't open up and tell him what I want but I have done and it's like he wants me to admit some deep, underlying kink that I quite frankly don't have. I'm pretty adventurous and have tried and enjoyed various things over the years. Now it's because he needs excitement and all I see is he uses sex as self medication and is addicted to the fetish he has and can't enjoy sex without it. I feel used as what I want doesn't matter unless it's what he wants. If I try to use parts of his fetish in bed he is really sensitive and I can say one thing wrong and everything is ruined. It's causing performance issues for him too, as well as the medication that doesn't help.

I need to feel happy and good to be in the mood and I don't think he even realised this. The bad thing is the fetish involves me specifically so because even though I've tried it's just not good enough. I can't please him with anything else and my suggestions at compromise are just dismissed.

Does anyone else have problems like these? It's a big deal and is effecting other parts of our relationship. He says to just be like all the other couples that don't share everything sexually (basically saying most men cheat, especially after long term relationships because of boredom in the bedroom) and that he craves excitement. He blames me for this but all I can see is his issues being the cause of many of our problems. I'm not saying I'm totally innocent and my reactions don't help sometimes, I'm working on this myself through research and practice.

It's been a long time coming for him to even admit a problem and to get help and it's only early days in that sense. I just want to support and be there for him but his behaviours are destroying the very relationship we are trying to protect. He keeps telling me to stop focusing on diagnosis but there is no other mental illness that matches his behaviour like BPD and I've read it's not easy to treat unless a roper diagnosis is made.

Is it always this hard?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

Time and again sex comes up here, because it is difficult, yeah. I admire your valor in sharing this and asking for help. This can be very hurtful and it erodes our self esteem. Most people, we don't really adknowledge how sex affects us emotionally.

For people with BPD any emotion is scary, a strong emotion is very scary, they almost need to avoid it at any cost. Those emotions need to be experienced to cease to be that scary, so turning their back on them, just make it worse. Some go for "meaningless sex" others avoid it completely, or go back and forth from one to the other. So, what I see is that he is focusing desperately in that fetish, in order not to look at his emotions. That gives him the illusion of control. Sadly, he also ignores your needs, because if he were to add them to the equation, it would be too complicated and he would feel lost. So he is stubbornly fixing his sight in one point, so he doesn't see what's around him. But this is not out of sefishness, it's out of fear. That's what I read in your situation, I might be completely wrong. When you say: no further, he must feel rejection towards himself, not the practice itself. Rejection and shame, that are unbearable, so he needs to feel anger or disapointment at you, because those emotions are more manageable.

On the other hand, you've been together 20 years. Congratulations! I didn't even knew the interest in sex could be held that long! I can tell you I was in a marriage for 15 years, and I had lost my interest, and it was something similar. When and if I was interested, it didn't matter, it was never a good moment. But I had to be ready when she wanted. So I stopped asking, or making moves, because I didn't want to be rejected. Then our view was very different, and I always tried to please her needs and her idea of sex. It took a toll on me, and I ended up thinking that it was a test and homework every time, I could enjoy it phisically, but it made me feel worse and worse inside. So I don't advise you to go down that path. Choose the time and the way, but you need to talk about it, and reach a solution that would be good for both of you. 

Hope you solve it, and keep improving your life.

[isilme]

21 years in, yes, we both have a decent libido, even at 40.  But a lot of the OPs comments I could have made.  There are many fights that result in him perceiving me as not being properly interested or active, resulting in one of us sleeping on the couch.

For years at weird times, before, during, and after sex, he's gone off on me not being "passionate enough, not being interested enough, not picking the "right" times for sex, all in all, any dissatisfaction is my fault, and even if I am happy with an encounter, if he's not, that is projected onto me so he can be the victim.  I think sometimes he has a porn-based fantasy or expects me to act out like one of the exhibitionists on video instead of giving real, honest enthusiasm that is not campy over the top.  I'm supposed to "prepare myself" so he won't have to "do all the work".  Often anti-woman rants start, or complaints about sex, his own body, how hard sex is, how bad I am at it start - as if that puts me in any sort of mood. 

BPD affects intimate relationships the most.  We are considered close enough to be allowed to see behind the public mask, behind the charming, super friendly and engaging mask.  For a real relationship, there is a requirement to make yourself vulnerable.  For a person fearful of abandonment and fearful of negative feelings they can't process well, intimacy, and sex that can go along with it is very very difficult and triggering.  So, toss in a typical BPD need to project any and all negative feelings away, and blame them on the person closest to them, and you have this. 

I feel more like sex when I still have energy, and am clean, and not rushed.  Lunchtime is not great for me - I need to eat or at least have time to pack a lunch and get back tot he office.  Bedtime is usually at the point of exhaustion, and my body literally can shut down from being so tired (I have a form of insomnia - I fall asleep but wake up all night long).  He fiddles around and I can be half asleep by the time he's usually in bed, and then sighs and wiggles around to express his anger I dared fall asleep at 1 am on a work night rather than staying awake "preparing myself" for him, "knowing" he was in the mood, and having "teased" him somehow by bending over at some point (to do what I don't know.  Changing clothes in the same room can be labeled as "teasing" these days).  Right after work, with no commitments, weekends, these are times that I find okay.  But he gets upset if I come on to him when I have the time and energy, because he will be "too tired later"  or something or other. 

Added to all of this, which has gone on for years in some capacity, is the new wrinkle of him having some diabetic neuropathy-caused ED.  MD says if he can get his sugar consistently under control, his legs and everything else below the waist should start working normally.  His legs and feet hurt quite often thanks to the nerve damage.  His groin does as well.  AND he's had kidney stones passing since July.  So, I now never know when he's really feeling well enough for me to touch him at all, I know things won't be working quite the same as even this time last year, so we have to be more creative, and even after a good bout together, he will be in a large amount of pain - talk about a mood killer.  He DID make a concession for me - probably due to depression, he had stopped shaving, instead opting for a stubble-look that looked fine, but felt horrible.  I'd get welts on my skin wherever his face would touch me - it would hurt like coarse grit sandpaper.  For months I've been telling him it hurts, threatening to use sandpaper on his nethers if he could not understand.  And for months I've been told to "butch up".  Finally, somehow, it got through, and he is shaving again.  I was like "there's my husband again!  He's been hiding under sandpaper but he's back!"  So it was something.

Sex is a difficult thing, with or without BPD.  With the emotional turmoil they seem to feel, it's a touchy subject.  Try to remember a lot of the time it's the BPD talking, not any real or objective commentary on you, your sexual preferences and choices.  I find that remembering that about most things that seem to have their root in the emotional disability helps me not take so much hurt form it, and get over the hurt sooner.  I try to validate what I can, and pretty much ignore what I can't validate, if possible.