Does anyone else have anger towards your inlaws?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the correct place or not, so I'm sorry if I'm not.

Does anyone else have anger towards your inlaws for the issues they've caused with your spouse? I've always done a good job of staying out of it and letting my husband handle things with his parents, and I've been very careful to keep any problems I've had with them separate from my anger at how they raised and continue to treat my husband, but the past 2 years they've had an increasing presence in our life. It's getting harder.

And it makes me angry at my husband. He is still trying to earn their approval while rebelling against them at the same time, like a young teenager. Again, I really want him to figure all of this out for himself so I stay out of it. However, about 6 months ago his therapist asked him to write letters to his parents. You know the classic "write them a letter you will never send and tell them how they made you feel" assignment. He asked me to read the letters a few weeks later and I was pretty disappointed at how shallow and superficial the letters were. I didn't tell him that. But I was really hoping he would begin to address the issues because it's having an enormous effect on his life in every area, especially our marriage and his relationship with the kids.

I don't really want to punch them like my title says. No, that's not entirely true. Maybe I would kind of like to, but I'm not a violent person. It might feel good until I realized it just made them more of a victim than they already act. But I definitely don't like them. Yes, my husband is a grown man who needs to face his problems like a grown man. But I've seen so many examples of their behavior that explains so much. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a little kid living with that.

So, anyone else? How do you handle it and keep it separate? I've been successful so far but it takes so much self control, and I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a rage like my husband does at me!

[Graceinaction]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the correct place or not, so I'm sorry if I'm not.

Does anyone else have anger towards your inlaws for the issues they've caused with your spouse? I've always done a good job of staying out of it and letting my husband handle things with his parents, and I've been very careful to keep any problems I've had with them separate from my anger at how they raised and continue to treat my husband, but the past 2 years they've had an increasing presence in our life. It's getting harder.

And it makes me angry at my husband. He is still trying to earn their approval while rebelling against them at the same time, like a young teenager. Again, I really want him to figure all of this out for himself so I stay out of it. However, about 6 months ago his therapist asked him to write letters to his parents. You know the classic "write them a letter you will never send and tell them how they made you feel" assignment. He asked me to read the letters a few weeks later and I was pretty disappointed at how shallow and superficial the letters were. I didn't tell him that. But I was really hoping he would begin to address the issues because it's having an enormous effect on his life in every area, especially our marriage and his relationship with the kids.

I don't really want to punch them like my title says. No, that's not entirely true. Maybe I would kind of like to, but I'm not a violent person. It might feel good until I realized it just made them more of a victim than they already act. But I definitely don't like them. Yes, my husband is a grown man who needs to face his problems like a grown man. But I've seen so many examples of their behavior that explains so much. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a little kid living with that.

So, anyone else? How do you handle it and keep it separate? I've been successful so far but it takes so much self control, and I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a rage like my husband does at me!

[Notwendy]

I think it is my H who would like to tell his in laws a thing or two having observed how they have treated me over the years ( BPD mom and father (now deceased) who went along with it. His parents have their own issues but it is mild compared to mine. It is irritating when I can observe how their issues contributed to his issues -- and so our issues. I see the connection because I made the connection between my FOO and my contribution to dysfunction, not with the intent to blame but to work on myself. I think if I can clarify the irritation, it is not so much at them, but at my H's unwillingness to look at the connection and do the kind of work I have done. Yet, I have to keep in mind that our own work on FOO issues is really our own to do. I can only work on my FOO issues, not his.


We all regress to some extent when around our FOO's. I get irritated when I observe my H getting sucked into his FOO's crazy stuff. I have a difficult time around my mother, but my H and kids understand why. I express it and I own it. I am grateful for their understanding, but the issues are mine. I think being irritated with my in laws is more of an irritation with my H to not own his own stuff . more than it is with them.

How do I deal with this? From the perspective I read that we match our partner emotionally- that is- if he has FOO issues, I do too, and while they may appear different they actually match emotionally in some way. So, if your H has FOO issues, you probably do too- and our own issues are enough to work on. Working on our own stuff helps us and the relationship. I think it would be great if he worked on his but in the meantime, I have my own work to do so I focus on that.

[lostandconfused6]

My pwBPD has a shaky relationship with his parents and that's putting it nicely every other day he is in a fight with them or they have done something to make him mad. He says all the time he wants to set boundaries and get away from them and I used to give advice and my opinion but I have stopped as I have seen he is not taking even the smallest steps to make any changes with them and changes his thoughts and emotions towards them as often as the wind changes... .

I am kept completely separate from his family... .sometimes this bothers me because I know no matter what they will always be in his life and I don't feel me being kept from them is for the best but it's what he feels is necessary and there is no changing his mind so I have given up with talking to him about it... .he says once he can move away and set boundaries then he will feel better about having me around them... .of course my mind wanders and thinks of other reasons he could be keeping me from them but then I tell myself he doesn't think like I do so it probably is for the reasons he gives me because in his mind they make sense

Sometimes I also think maybe me being kept separate from them is for the best because I do have a lot of anger towards them for what they do and say to him and how they treat him... .and half the time I have to pay for what they have done to him to upset him because he takes it out on me... .I was in their life for about 6 months in the beg of our relationship then his dad started getting "comfortable" with expressing his opinions about me and his mom realized I was "taking her baby boy" she loves me when he loves me but when he's upset with me (and he tells her about it which I don't like but he has no friends) she jumps at the chance to give her false opinion of me and dig her claws into him deeper in hope of keeping him in their town longer... .if it was up to her she would have him live with her until she passes... .i'd love nothing more than to go to dinner with his mom and go shopping with her and show her she's gaining someone to love and care about her and not losing a child... .In the end we both want the same thing for my pwBPD to be successful and happy but she thinks it has to be in the way she sees is best for him not what really is best for him... .We could work together to help him and be there for him and support him but only time will tell... .