The letter I gave my wife

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So... .I told my wife I wanted some one on one time on Sunday afternoon.  We went to a nice pond and fed some fish... enjoyed some sun.  It was the closest I could come to "our riverbank".

P encouraged me to write and give her the letter.  For this to be about me... .my feelings... my reality... .and where I am at. 

Letter below was inside a nice card.  I verbally explained the timing gap... .rather than change the letter.  The "end of finances" was about a month ago.


FFw,

Please read and consider my thoughts... .as you know…. there will be lots of words.

Given the events of last Sunday evening (the end of our joint financial relationship), Monday was a melancholy and reflective day.  I journaled and reflected for most of the day.  Towards the end of the day I reached out to (my buddy’s callsign).  As you know, he has literally been next to me in an E2 as I believed my life was ending.  It seemed appropriate to discuss with him the end of our financial relationship.

Sometimes your friends see things you are blind to yourself.  My conversation with (callsign) proves this adage out.  I asked him who he saw when he looked at me.  I presumed he would tell me I was unhappy and I should divorce... move on ... etc etc, especially given his divorce.  I was surprised by his actual observation.

He said over the past couple years I’ve become a more relaxed, happier and better person.  That I especially seem to enjoy being a Dad and he hadn’t a clue what I should do about my relationship with you “because we used to be such good friends”.  He further remarked that he and his first wife (his exs name) never had a friendship, certainly not one like he used to see between you and I.

Well... .what I thought would be a conversation to “wrap up” my melancholy day just got me started with “reflecting upon our friendship” and more about the last few days.  Please bear with me... .a few more paragraphs.

We seem to have “heard” the same sermon on Sunday, yet interpreted it quite differently.  That’s ok.  I do want to understand how you approach the cross and how God’s word touches your heart, even if it is dramatically different from my view.

I heard a message about people trying to “prevail upon” others.  How Paul stuck around when he didn’t have to, for the express purpose to “prevail upon” his persecutors.

Frankly, for a long time I have perceived you as my persecutor.  Trying to “prevail upon me” a notion that I think and feel things, I have never considered... .until you “tell” or “share your opinion” with me that I have certain, usually negative, thoughts and feelings.  Basically arguing about my reality. 

Pause... deep breath. 

I have no intention of arguing with you about my reality.  I do have an intention of “prevailing upon” you that we are on different paths.  I don’t understand your path.  I would like to.  I’m terrified your path leads to the destruction of our relationship.  I pray we come together, listen to each other about our own path and find a way forward together.

Please understand the path I’m on and why I continue in our relationship.  In my typical style... I’m going to have to ramble a bit... .more... .

 
I spent a long time Monday savoring a sweet memory of our best conversation ever.  Those were the favorite part of our friendship.  We had the best conversations.  Please share this memory with me in a way I will tell others... .for as long as God allows….
 
Summer 2008.   Our farmhouse was close to the river, lots of nice shade trees.  A place especially touched with God’s beauty, grace and hope.  FFw and I would slip away from the kids and sit by the river and just enjoy hanging out.  I usually talked FFw into being the one to lean against the tree so I could put my head in her lap and she would scratch and pet my head while we talked.

The day of our best conversation ever started as a talk about how well kids were doing with chores, driving the tractor and stuff like that.  I remarked how happy the kids seemed when they earned their “tractor qual” and Daddy let them drive and do things without Daddy around.

FFw remarked that she knew a big kid that was also happy on the farm (me) and  how I got to relive my memories of operating a little skid steer during summers at my Dad’s farm.  Here is the thing... .I hadn’t told FFw the skid steer story in years... perhaps only once or twice ever. 

The skidder was a little dinky gas powered thing, likely the smallest made at the time, but it was the “biggest” thing my Dad would turn me loose on and leave.  I was king of the farm... cleaning out hog pens.

To me, it meant FFw really listened…... the once or twice I told it.  She understood the power those moments had in my life and she understood I was now passing on those moments... in a deliberate fashion, to our children.

FFw “got” who I was and what I was about.  FFw was proud of me.  FFw liked what she saw enough to have a gazillion kids with me and let me fill them with my quite particular ways of raising kids on a farm.

We lingered an especially long time by the river that day.  I was flooded with emotion about how lucky I was to have her and all the different parts of our relationship.  She appeared so content.  I thought of all the different reasons why we were together... .an uncountable list.

At the heart of it... we were friends that enjoyed each other's company sitting there by that lazy river.

I stay because I keep thinking I can figure out a way to get my friend back….I miss her….


I’ve been back to that river bank several times... alone... .since the state of (way up north state) tore down our farmhouse.  I know that awful flood washed away our farm, our fortune and many of our dreams.  Perhaps the flood washed away our friendship as well…...

Given that 2019 will be 10 years since that flood and given that I tend to be stubborn and hardheaded... .perhaps I need to consider that our friendship is really over.  That thought saddens me... .I’ve been avoiding grieving our relationship for a long time.

I’ll be “sitting by the river” ... .alone... .for a while longer.  If you want to have a conversation about our friendship.  I’d like to talk. 


FF

[formflier]

So... .I told my wife I wanted some one on one time on Sunday afternoon.  We went to a nice pond and fed some fish... enjoyed some sun.  It was the closest I could come to "our riverbank".

P encouraged me to write and give her the letter.  For this to be about me... .my feelings... my reality... .and where I am at. 

Letter below was inside a nice card.  I verbally explained the timing gap... .rather than change the letter.  The "end of finances" was about a month ago.


FFw,

Please read and consider my thoughts... .as you know…. there will be lots of words.

Given the events of last Sunday evening (the end of our joint financial relationship), Monday was a melancholy and reflective day.  I journaled and reflected for most of the day.  Towards the end of the day I reached out to (my buddy’s callsign).  As you know, he has literally been next to me in an E2 as I believed my life was ending.  It seemed appropriate to discuss with him the end of our financial relationship.

Sometimes your friends see things you are blind to yourself.  My conversation with (callsign) proves this adage out.  I asked him who he saw when he looked at me.  I presumed he would tell me I was unhappy and I should divorce... move on ... etc etc, especially given his divorce.  I was surprised by his actual observation.

He said over the past couple years I’ve become a more relaxed, happier and better person.  That I especially seem to enjoy being a Dad and he hadn’t a clue what I should do about my relationship with you “because we used to be such good friends”.  He further remarked that he and his first wife (his exs name) never had a friendship, certainly not one like he used to see between you and I.

Well... .what I thought would be a conversation to “wrap up” my melancholy day just got me started with “reflecting upon our friendship” and more about the last few days.  Please bear with me... .a few more paragraphs.

We seem to have “heard” the same sermon on Sunday, yet interpreted it quite differently.  That’s ok.  I do want to understand how you approach the cross and how God’s word touches your heart, even if it is dramatically different from my view.

I heard a message about people trying to “prevail upon” others.  How Paul stuck around when he didn’t have to, for the express purpose to “prevail upon” his persecutors.

Frankly, for a long time I have perceived you as my persecutor.  Trying to “prevail upon me” a notion that I think and feel things, I have never considered... .until you “tell” or “share your opinion” with me that I have certain, usually negative, thoughts and feelings.  Basically arguing about my reality. 

Pause... deep breath. 

I have no intention of arguing with you about my reality.  I do have an intention of “prevailing upon” you that we are on different paths.  I don’t understand your path.  I would like to.  I’m terrified your path leads to the destruction of our relationship.  I pray we come together, listen to each other about our own path and find a way forward together.

Please understand the path I’m on and why I continue in our relationship.  In my typical style... I’m going to have to ramble a bit... .more... .

 
I spent a long time Monday savoring a sweet memory of our best conversation ever.  Those were the favorite part of our friendship.  We had the best conversations.  Please share this memory with me in a way I will tell others... .for as long as God allows….
 
Summer 2008.   Our farmhouse was close to the river, lots of nice shade trees.  A place especially touched with God’s beauty, grace and hope.  FFw and I would slip away from the kids and sit by the river and just enjoy hanging out.  I usually talked FFw into being the one to lean against the tree so I could put my head in her lap and she would scratch and pet my head while we talked.

The day of our best conversation ever started as a talk about how well kids were doing with chores, driving the tractor and stuff like that.  I remarked how happy the kids seemed when they earned their “tractor qual” and Daddy let them drive and do things without Daddy around.

FFw remarked that she knew a big kid that was also happy on the farm (me) and  how I got to relive my memories of operating a little skid steer during summers at my Dad’s farm.  Here is the thing... .I hadn’t told FFw the skid steer story in years... perhaps only once or twice ever. 

The skidder was a little dinky gas powered thing, likely the smallest made at the time, but it was the “biggest” thing my Dad would turn me loose on and leave.  I was king of the farm... cleaning out hog pens.

To me, it meant FFw really listened…... the once or twice I told it.  She understood the power those moments had in my life and she understood I was now passing on those moments... in a deliberate fashion, to our children.

FFw “got” who I was and what I was about.  FFw was proud of me.  FFw liked what she saw enough to have a gazillion kids with me and let me fill them with my quite particular ways of raising kids on a farm.

We lingered an especially long time by the river that day.  I was flooded with emotion about how lucky I was to have her and all the different parts of our relationship.  She appeared so content.  I thought of all the different reasons why we were together... .an uncountable list.

At the heart of it... we were friends that enjoyed each other's company sitting there by that lazy river.

I stay because I keep thinking I can figure out a way to get my friend back….I miss her….


I’ve been back to that river bank several times... alone... .since the state of (way up north state) tore down our farmhouse.  I know that awful flood washed away our farm, our fortune and many of our dreams.  Perhaps the flood washed away our friendship as well…...

Given that 2019 will be 10 years since that flood and given that I tend to be stubborn and hardheaded... .perhaps I need to consider that our friendship is really over.  That thought saddens me... .I’ve been avoiding grieving our relationship for a long time.

I’ll be “sitting by the river” ... .alone... .for a while longer.  If you want to have a conversation about our friendship.  I’d like to talk. 


FF

[formflier]

The letter was very triggering for my wife for about 15-20 minutes.  Then she got really snuggly.

I was having a great day by the pond... .so my plan was to stay until she wanted to go.  We were probably there 1.5 hours... perhaps 2. 

You guys get a sense of me... .I'm a planner... .details... .action... .  My wife knows this as well.  I've been trending away from those characteristics for a while... .more listening... .more understanding... .

My goals... .to be heard... .accurately.  I got that... eventually. 

My other goal... .to be deliberate about leaving the door open to talk... .while at the same time continuing on with building my life.  No waiting around for someone to keep sorting themselves out.

I'll get into details of what was said later.  Very curious to see how you guys "see" all of this.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Can see how sharing your memory could be healing... .no matter which way she takes it.  

I really like how it was brought up, after some time had passed from the last financial issue.  After the rawness of that event maybe settled mostly.  So her feelings about finances maybe not so much "on fire" at this time... .so not so much a distraction maybe.

I also really like the thoughtfulness in how you decided to share this... .by the pond, not agenda driven (that you MUST be heard or such), but with no/little expectations... .allowing the moment... .the shared feelings of you guys to dictate time by pond vs staying on a schedule.

My goals... .to be heard... .accurately.  I got that... eventually.  

I'm impressed you felt heard accurately!  I did not expect this much!

I am curious about how she managed herself while being presented with a letter that basically is not about her.  It requires her to step outside of herself some, and hear/consider your perspective, the FF POV and what is important to you?

I am curious about the bits where you talk about "prevail upon you."  You call her out to be a persecuter.  Yet, she likely literally has PPD (or traits or such.)  I worried that that content would be a backfire to you both as it can be used as "admittance" and "evidence" for fuel for her delusions, as you are admitying seeing her as a persecuter. So as she ruminates on this when dysregulated and rewrites history after she rereads this, or shows to her sister and it gets somehow reinterpreted when she applies layers of cognitive distortions over it when you are not there for her to orient to... .not sure if this still has backfire potential is what I am saying (Pls pardon the cynicism) So, I am thinking forest, not trees. (Overall vs in the moment) Was it wise to admit you feel there is persecution happening between you two?  :)oes this validate her own feelings of being persecuted by you, give her ammo to keep on her bedside to find later?  Idk

(cognitive distortions such as: overgeneralizing; filtering aka "cherry picking" where one notices/focuses on specific aspects, while negelcting the rest; disqualifying the positive; magnifying, minimizing; emotional reasoning; blaming; personalizing; fortune telling ... .and so on)

On another note, I think there is so much in this note that is beautiful, heartwarming, and raw/innocent/lovely (i need a word that captures all that :P)
I especially enjoy the last three sentence.  

[babyducks]

So FF,

a while ago you wrote in a post something like "there are so many boundaries, there isn't much of a relationship".    

It's been a while since you wrote that but it still sticks in my head.   It felt like a meaningful statement to me.

I am not of your faith tradition, so I don't have the emotional etymology for "prevail upon"  in the sense you seem to be using it.   I do understand that for people with PD's their wants and needs will come first, and those wants and needs will often be different than what we hope for, or can participate with.

that's an unfortunate and sad reality.

Frankly, for a long time I have perceived you as my persecutor

my first thought wasn't about how your wife reacted to that statement.   nor was it about the wisdom  of including it or not.    

my first thoughts were about the destruction of trust, the loss of hope,  the betrayal of bonds and what that does to us.   to our emotional structure.  how it feels to switch from partner to persecutor.

I was in a relationship with a mentally ill person who I trusted with my life.   who with I hoped and planned for a future.   with who I shared a unique and deep bond.  

my choice, my decision, my investment of time, energy and life.    

I am only now starting to understand the cost of that investment.   swept up in the moment, over shadowed by the stronger emotions in the room, my emotions, my feelings, my golden moments and my darker times got lost in the shuffle more times than not.   I can't get that back.    

P encouraged me to write and give her the letter.  For this to be about me... .my feelings... my reality... .and where I am at.  

I am glad to hear that P is shifting focus from the us, the relationship, the couple stuff to you and your feelings and where you are at.    

'ducks

[formflier]

Included that and writing the persecutor thing was deliberate.  I owned it... .vice accused her. 

If she is interested... .she can see how I perceive it... .or she can twist it.

That's the way I saw it... .so I said it. 

Previous edits had references to her family... .P was adamant to take that out.  Make it about me... .as it relates to "us"... .no others.

FF

[formflier]

"prevail upon" was the title of the sermon.  Mostly centered on Paul demanding to be taken to Rome rather than be let go (once his captors realized he was Roman Citizen).  

His goal was to gain more time to preach the gospel and "prevail upon" his captors about his message of Jesus.

The pastor's point was that sometimes you have to be consistent... .for a long time... .to "prevail upon" people.  That many times it's not about the sender... .it's that the listener is not ready to listen.

That weekend of the "financial incident" was actually one where we had some good "religious talks".  She seemed open... .as did I.  As she explained what she "heard" in the sermon... .it was very different than what I heard.  I was ok with that.  She didn't seem to want to talk much more... .once she realized I "heard" something else.

So... .there is nothing particularly "religious" about the phrase, it just happened to be the subject of the sermon, in the context of Paul's ministry.  

FF