cutting people off

[forestwizardinc]

Hi all.
I'm in a relationship  and we have been dating for about two years, and everything between us has been very good.
But I'm concerned by the fact that she has completely cut off almost all of her friends in the past, which she's told me about. She has also cut off various family members.
We met through my cousin, who she has now completely cut off (and it's been about a year). Her reasons for cutting off my cousin are unclear to me. She alludes to my cousin as being 'negative,' but is unable to provide a reason for completely severing all contact. I can understand being mad at someone for their negativity, or maybe for saying something off-putting, but to me this behavior seems extreme. It is a problematic situation because this cousin is a crucial part of my social life, and now I feel awkward about going to any event with my girlfriend, for fear of some drama. I've talked to her about it and asked that she forgive the cousin, try to work through it. She says she will, but only for my sake, and doesn't think the cousin is deserving of forgiveness. I spoke to my cousin about it, who is also obviously upset by it. She reached out to my girlfriend and said she'd like to be friends again. This didn't seem to help. Since then, we have been in the same place as my cousin several times, but my girlfriend essentially hides and tries to avoid any and all contact.

I find this behavior very troubling. I want to talk to her about it more or do something to remedy the situation, but it seems like every time I try, we get nowhere.

 My bigger fear moving forward is that she will decide that other friends or family need to be cut off and that this will strain other relationships, so I get nervous about being around friends and family with her. So far nothing like that has happened. I would like to have a positive and healthy relationship and do the best I can to help but I don't know how to talk to her about these issues.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Turkish]

Hi forestwizardincmy



I can see that this would be stressful on so many levels,  both between you,  and also the social aspect.  We have communication tools here in Lesson 3 to the right of the board which may help in general,  such as:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

She cutting off relationships is sad.  You can certainly support her as a partner,  and trying to understand what's going on is certainly valid.  However,  these relationships are hers and I'd be careful on getting into a drama triangle to "fix" them. 

Emotional Cutoff is described by Bowen as one of his Eight Concepts of Family Systems Theory. 

The concept of emotional cutoff describes people managing their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings, and other family members by reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with them. Emotional contact can be reduced by people moving away from their families and rarely going home, or it can be reduced by people staying in physical contact with their families but avoiding sensitive issues. Relationships may look “better” if people cutoff to manage them, but the problems are dormant and not resolved.

It's dysfunctional not to resolve issues,  but it's natural to flee in order to feel safe rather than trying to resolve these issues,  especially for a pwBPD who has trouble managing their emotions.  Bowen talks on terms of family systems,  but I think it's applicable in all relationships.  Our first relationships are with our families,  and that's where we first learn to interact with others.  The family is the foundation.

It might be more fruitful to focus on your relationship rather than to try and manage (help) hers. 

I remember when my ex cut off the r/s with one of her best friends from high school.  This happened when she was 29. They had partied in a hotel room, and my ex had been drinking.  She rarely partied or drank. The friend called me to come pick her up.  My ex forever after painted that friend black.  She wouldn't tell me what had happened,  but in previous years my ex had told me that she had issues with the friend which I took add my ex feeling shamed by the hs friend (on fashion or whatever... .kind of incomprehensible for me as a guy).

I would periodically prod. My ex had few friends.  She finally told me that the friend had made a pass at her,  and after that she was done.  I have no idea of that was true,  but I didn't disbelieve it. I never pursued the discussion after that.  Not my r/s to manage or fix. 

[waverider]

What you should be mindful of is not just these particular people but whether this pattern has gone on her entire life. If it has then no doubt it will continue. By association you are most likely be expected to do the same. This of course is dysfunctional and unhealthy for you.

It is important that you develop a strategy so as not to drawn into the same cycle, as it can result eventually in your own isolation from others.

It is quite common for people with BPD to cut people off once they are no longer deemed useful or needed. It is all part of avoidance, as a result they do not learn to evolve complex relationships, so a cycle of cut and run becomes normal.

[Tattered Heart]

HI forestwizardinc

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you are so concerned for your pwBPD getting to isolated. It's hard to see them so alone and without support of their own. My H does the same. I try to support in him making friends, being around others, but ultimately I cannot control him, and he still chooses not to relate to others. He will force the relationship to end if needed by getting into a huge argument or insulting the person so they will reject him instead.

When we meet new people, I always go into these friendships realizing that they may not be around for long. Over time I decide how important these people are to me, whether they are people I'd want to continue a relationship with whether my H chooses to continue or not. If I do think they will be long term friends for me, then I have a private conversation about my H's behavior in regard to relationships. I recently disclosed BPD to 3 of my girlfriends. My mom and sisters know also.

I like what waverider suggested about determining what your response will be when/if he wants you to begin cutting off contact with others. What are your thoughts on how you will plan to respond if he asks you to give up friends and family?

[forestwizardinc]

HI forestwizardinc

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you are so concerned for your pwBPD getting to isolated. It's hard to see them so alone and without support of their own. My H does the same. I try to support in him making friends, being around others, but ultimately I cannot control him, and he still chooses not to relate to others. He will force the relationship to end if needed by getting into a huge argument or insulting the person so they will reject him instead.

When we meet new people, I always go into these friendships realizing that they may not be around for long. Over time I decide how important these people are to me, whether they are people I'd want to continue a relationship with whether my H chooses to continue or not. If I do think they will be long term friends for me, then I have a private conversation about my H's behavior in regard to relationships. I recently disclosed BPD to 3 of my girlfriends. My mom and sisters know also.

I like what waverider suggested about determining what your response will be when/if he wants you to begin cutting off contact with others. What are your thoughts on how you will plan to respond if he asks you to give up friends and family?

Thanks for your reply.  I don't have a plan. Thusfar, I think I've been pretty firm about the fact that I will maintain my friendship, and she seems ok with that as long as she's not involved. Of course, in actuality it DOES effect my friendship, because it has to be totally separate from my relationship. The difficult part is that I cannot understand or relate to the anger. Because it is my cousin it makes it difficult to be an impartial and understanding listener. I would feel absolutely terrible if it ended up being someone else in my family too.

[Tattered Heart]

That is really hard. My H has alienated people that I care about. He has often caused quite a lot of drama with friends. It took me a long time to get to the understanding that his behavior is not a reflection on me. And I sometimes have to explain that to those he is pushing away. At other times I have to cut my losses.

For instance, a few months ago my H went off on a friend on FB. This friend deleted him and hasn't spoken to him since. So did his wife. A few days later, I realize that they also unfriended me too. I was frustrated that they could not understand that just because my H acts a certain way doesn't mean that I support it. I think I even suggested to this friend that they block him temporarily until my H was out of his mood.

[mousemat]

It is important that you develop a strategy so as not to drawn into the same cycle, as it can result eventually in your own isolation from others.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

The replies in this thread are very helpful.  My partner does the classic BPD thing of dividing people he knows into excellent or awful, there's very little grey.   Sometimes it can be - what for me seems like - small things that trigger it, but I recognise that they're not small to him.

[waverider]

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

The replies in this thread are very helpful.  My partner does the classic BPD thing of dividing people he knows into excellent or awful, there's very little grey.   Sometimes it can be - what for me seems like - small things that trigger it, but I recognise that they're not small to him.

A pwBPDs attitude of "now is forever" doesn't help, even though it usually isn't, the repercussions can leave scars for you

[Chosen]

It's hard to see them so alone and without support of their own. My H does the same. I try to support in him making friends, being around others, but ultimately I cannot control him, and he still chooses not to relate to others. He will force the relationship to end if needed by getting into a huge argument or insulting the person so they will reject him instead.

Unfortunately this is the case for my H too.  I think it's because he wants to have this perfect image in front of people, so even when he makes friends he never shares his own stuff with them.  For example, he will say "I never talk about my marriage to my friends", he will say it's out of respect for me, but I think it's more because he will not want others to see him as anything other than a perfect husband.  he also never asks for help from friends, or show that he's vulnerable.  You know what I mean? 

However, he's very quick to paint somebody black, and same as some other members has said, there's no grey area.  For instance, he found out that I have been talking to a church friend about our marriage (which he categorised as "gossiping about him" and "blackmouthing him", then he immediately said "I have only met your friend once, but even from that one meeting I could tell she's a gossiper already and not strong in her faith".  Of course he can't force me to cut off contact with her, but you can guess that if she had been his friend, he would've cut her off already. 

[foggydew]

An interesting topic. My uBPD friend cuts people off, too - just drops them. We had a conversation yesterday where I tried to suggest he keeps up with friends or makes new ones, because you need friends when you are older (or anytime!). His reply was that he sees enough people at work and he doesn't feel the need after work, so he doesn't see why he should make the effort. At the same time he has gone back to having an intense friendship with me (his girlfriend finished with him) which is nice on the one hand, because we have lots of interests in common, but where I see dangers for us both, of course (at least I am aware this time). He will help me plan and prepare festivities for my friends and family, accepts them, enjoys them, but does nothing to keep up any relationship with them.
He is aware of his lack of social life but just can't seem to do anything about it.

[polaris9]

My uBPDw also has cut off most of the people in her life, including her brother and sister.  99% of the time she will not pick up when they phone or respond to emails or texts.  I think it is very hard as she is isolating herself more and more.  Sorry I can't be of more help but I just wanted to say that what you are experiencing may not be unusual for BPDs.