Are We Victims?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's so easy to blame our pwBPD for all the trouble in our lives. After all, if they would just act right then everything would be great, right?

We put up with being bullied, verbally abused, yelled at, called names, ignored, cheated on, etc. That's what we do because we love them and it's not my fault that they are broken. I'm the victim. I'm the one who he targets. I'm the one who is whipped on, defeated, and emotionally hurt. If I could just get him to stop doing this or doing that, everything would be better, right? This is a victim mentality.

A victim mentality puts all of the responsibility on our pwBPD to make all the changes because us victims aren't doing anything wrong in the relationship. But is that really true? Relationships are not one way streets. People don't choose to stay in relationships that are unhealthy, but us Nons continue in destructive behavior patterns that allow our pwBPD to continually hurt us.

We too, are sick. How you may ask? Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment... .These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

Do you see yourself as a victim?

What part of your life are ready to reclaim?

How can you get yourself out of the victim role and start being pro-active in your relationship?

[Tattered Heart]

It's so easy to blame our pwBPD for all the trouble in our lives. After all, if they would just act right then everything would be great, right?

We put up with being bullied, verbally abused, yelled at, called names, ignored, cheated on, etc. That's what we do because we love them and it's not my fault that they are broken. I'm the victim. I'm the one who he targets. I'm the one who is whipped on, defeated, and emotionally hurt. If I could just get him to stop doing this or doing that, everything would be better, right? This is a victim mentality.

A victim mentality puts all of the responsibility on our pwBPD to make all the changes because us victims aren't doing anything wrong in the relationship. But is that really true? Relationships are not one way streets. People don't choose to stay in relationships that are unhealthy, but us Nons continue in destructive behavior patterns that allow our pwBPD to continually hurt us.

We too, are sick. How you may ask? Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment... .These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

Do you see yourself as a victim?

What part of your life are ready to reclaim?

How can you get yourself out of the victim role and start being pro-active in your relationship?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Do you see yourself as a victim?
No.  I made my bed, and choose to sleep in it.  I have have 20 years (at least 10 knowing about BPD) to choose to leave. 

What part of your life are ready to reclaim?
Always, always working against my codependent tendencies to overcompensate for H.  It's hard now, as his physical abilities are waning until we can get him literally back on his feet.  I have trouble picking between being helpful and enabling.  He has made some improvements over the years, though, and doe snot WANT (most days) to be dependent totally on me.  It's a process.

How can you get yourself out of the victim role and start being pro-active in your relationship?
I think more of being a survivor of interesting life events.  I have choices, and some are not easy, but it's empowering to realize that the choice to stay or go is ultimately mine.

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks isilme. It is a continuing work in progress to always keep growing and learning. Many of our codependent tendencies have been engrained since a young age. We have to fight against our nature, in a way.

Thabks for sharing. Anyone else?

[RomanticFool]

Something about my ex reminds me of my mother. I can't even put my finger on what exactly, she doesn't look like her, but a quality in her reminds me of my late mother.

Also, my ex is really a trophy wife. Very attractive, seductive and unavailable. An irresistible combination that plays into my co-dependent personality.

It is everything that is described on here. The hit of the first time with them is so powerful that we keep chasing. I guess that is addiction. I wish I'd never met my ex. It has been extremely damaging, but at least she is now my ex.

I am of an age now where my sex life is beginning to recede and so my priorities are different. It is just a shame that I wasted some golden years on a person incapable of love.

She contacted me again today saying that the suicidal feelings are back. I feel no panic or connection. I feel a detached concern that I would for any human being. I am content to talk to her if she wants to talk but also suggested she see a doctor. I no longer care for this woman in a romantic way, but I feel for the constant pain she must be suffering. However, she doesn't really engage with me for long enough for me to do anything other than listen and offer some crumbs of comfort. I just hope she is getting the help she needs. I no longer feel like a victim but I was for a long time.

[Lakebreeze]

This is a great topic Tattered Heart. Thanks for starting. It takes courage to look in the mirror like this, and really reflect on your own behavior. As a caretaker/codependent, I think the hardest piece of healing and growth is abandoning the victim role. It's also the most liberating. When you can say with complete certainty, "I am choosing to stay in this marriage. Nobody, no Church no tradition, no expectation is making me, or telling me I have to" That is freedom.even if you are married to a BPD.

[Graceinaction]

Around 90% of the time I don't feel like a victim. I'm a pretty strong person and I've chosen to stay in this mess. I will admit on the really bad days I have times I just feel beat down.

I will say that despite not feeling like a victim, I refuse to take responsibility for my husband's actions. I cannot make him get better, or want to. I can use the communication tools, I can learn new things. But in the end he is really messed up and it only goes so far.

For several years I fell into the "one person can change the marriage" trap. And I may get a lot of crap for this, but one person can only change one person. I can change me, and I have. But to be honest, it hasn't done much for the marriage. It might lessen the rages, or help occasionally, but in the end he's still doing all the same old things. I react differently, but it doesn't make me feel much better. I'm sorry if that bothers some people, but it's my experience.

But that doesn't make me a victim, or have a victim mentality. My kids are the victims. They don't have a choice to leave or stay. And that's the part I never let myself forget. I make sure that regardless of my choices, or their dad's illnesses, I do everything in my power to make sure they are as ok as they can be in this crappy situation.

[polaris9]

I absolutely think that we are victims.  I am a victim of verbal and emotional abuse and, occasionally, of minor physical abuse.

I know that I am not faultless and that I may cause some problems, but not anything near the extent for which my uBPDw hits back at me.

But I worry even more for my children.  We have an 8d and a 15d - the 15d has special needs.  I worry what their future holds as their mother's situation is not healthy.  One of the reasons that I have chosen to stay in the relationship is that I think that it is better for my uBPDw, but mainly it is better for our kids rather than go through a separation and a messy fight for custody. 

[isilme]

Off topic a bit, but to polaris,

I just want to say that for kids, decreasing the drama ultimately is better for them.  If you can do that and remain in the marriage, great, but if not, please don't "stay for the kids".  Fight for custody, prove you are the more stable parent and get them into a less volatile home.  A custody battle but a healthier home life is much better than an uncertain one where you never know how things will be when you get home from school. 

Stay for love, stay for your own satisfaction in the marriage, stay because you think things can get better, but not "for the kids"  As a child whose parents were in a violent, mental-health nightmare of a marriage, that only got worse as I grew older and more cognizant of just how bad things at home were, and how they were deteriorating as my parents' mental health got worse and worse, I can tell you that when we left mom, even though my dad was manic-depressive (diagnosed), he was higher functioning that mom (bi-polar diagnosed), having just ONE of them to deal with was far better than the fights, financial instability, the suicide and murder-suicide threats, and attempts, and I was able to get strong enough to un-enmesh from him as well after a few years. 

Don't ever just "stay for the kids" and thereby subject them to a cycle of fighting until they are old enough for college as their only way away from it.  It can also make them feel guilty that you stayed, once they are old enough to figure things out.

[Frankee]

It is a good topic.  One that apparently has stirred up different responses.  I'm not a victim.  Like Graceinaction  said, Maybe on the really bad days I feel beaten down and the victim of unwarranted abuse.  It's sad to hear that even with the attempts to change in ourselves and take the effort to try to work with them that it still leaves some us feeling that nothing is getting better.  It's true though, you can't change someone else, only they have the power to decide they want to change and take the steps in order to get better.

"I know that I am not faultless and that I may cause some problems, but not anything near the extent for which my uBPDw hits back at me."
This outlines my reactions sometimes.  When I'm feeling like I'm just fed up to the point where I just let it out using sarcasm in our arguments, he comes back at me with full force, saying this I wouldn't of even thought of.

Beside all of that.  I have made a conscious choice to stay where I am.  Through all of it.  I see the part of him that nobody else sees.  That means I get all of it.  The raw uncontrolled emotions, the highs and lows.  I'm the one that gets the brunt of everything because I have shown him that I love him and accept him for who he is.  I knew he had a very traumatic upbringing, all the abuse, shock therapy, prison, mental hospitals.  I chose to stay with him even when deep down I knew it would never be a normal relationship.  I may catch flack for this.  I don't by any means condone his abuse and I am getting better about letting him know I'm not going to tolerate it and setting boundaries.  As most know, it's always easier said than done.  By it does take two.  I can't keep doing certain things I'm doing if I expect him to try better.

[once removed]

i think a victim mentality can be insidious in that it can be hard to see it in yourself. it often carries a negative connotation and few people desire to be a victim or see themselves that way.

that was my problem, at least. my victim mentality didnt fit into what i thought of as "being a victim". i couldnt see it, and no one was telling me.

in my romantic life, i was playing the role of a martyr. it was a very self defeating dynamic, and it is a "face of victim".

this feature thread really speaks to me: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

The Three Faces of Victim- Overview of the Drama Triangle
By Lynne Forrest (Revised 2008)

Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.

... .

I’ve sometimes referred to the victim triangle as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that create shame. This has the effect of reinforcing old, painful beliefs that keep us stuck in a limited version of reality.

I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

[snowglobe]

Do you see yourself as a victim?
Two parts answer to this
Yes, because coming from a highly turbulent Home with a single BPD/histrionic mother living below the poverty line with no emotional or social support pushed me to use a limited repertoire that I had at hand. A single currency I had to exchange for being taken care of at 17 was my body and complete obedience. I got together with almost 30 yo man, unstable and mentally ill. With a complete lack of insight I clung to him for my dear life, trying to crawl out of this bottomless pit of despair.
Not anymore, I’m a 30 something woman, who has a choice of leaving, yet choose to stay. I stay for stability for my kids, for the rare glimpses of sanity and beautiful moments we rarely share, for the expensive treatment of my son’s disability, for my h’s Emotional support when it comes to my son.

What part of your life are ready to reclaim?
I’m ready to accept the fact that it’s my choices and reactions prolong the conflicts and his rages. I’m ready to stop Jedying and validate him constantly to create a more peaceful environment for my children
How can you get yourself out of the victim role and start being pro-active in your relationship?
Taking care of my physical self is one way to jump start the process. Mopping around, looking like a victim only creates more aggression and irritation towards me. I want to always look my best and healthiest. Not only to send a message to him that I’m gonna be ok no matter what, but also to show my kids that we will be fine.

[Frankee]

I am not a victim.  I have my days where I feel crushed, suffocating, like the only way to escape the pain is to run away, like I don't think I can take the pain anymore.  I am a fighter.  Even with all these feelings I have, I still try hard every day to feel better.  Be a strong woman for myself, my kids, my life.  I chose to be where I am.  Only I can find the strength to make a change in my life.  Only I can decide to have a better outlook on life.  My pwBPD is struggling.  He gets angry.  We have arguments.  I get in his face and tell him that it doesn't matter how hard he pushes me trying to shove me out that door, he's stuck with me.  He'll say mean horrible things.  I've decided to stand like a stone wall.  Even though I know why he's saying those things, it hurts, but I'm trying harder to detach and see it from his perspective. 

Last argument we had, I fought smart.  I used the tools I learned instead of responding emotionally.  Even though he kept insisting he was done and he wasn't going to do it anymore, I felt good about things I said.  Later that night, he apologized for being so angry.  Said he doesn't know why he's angry all the time and he was sorry and doesn't want to be angry.  I held him.  Told him that it was here for him, that he has been through a lot and it's understandable to feel that way.  I heard him choke back some tears and then asked me for a drink.

I woke up this morning and made a choice.  It was still dark.  I wanted to go back to sleep, but I said no.  I felt good and I knew 40 more minutes would make me feel worse.  I got up, got dressed and started morning warmups and exercises.  Took my baby for a walk to the beach when he woke up while listening to motivational speeches.  I came back feeling refreshed and better.  I'm going to choose every morning to start my day this way.  Start it with purpose.  The way I felt after all of that is addicting.  I felt awake, relaxed, stronger.  This is me, fighting to make a better life my way.  I love my pwBPD, but I'm done letting this rollercoaster ride consume my every waking thought.  Time for me to make the change and not give up when it gets tough.