New here, need help, wife has BPD/traits

[HelpNow]

Hi,

I need help. I'm a man. My wife has been identified as BPD or at least BPD traits by our last counselor, we just moved, and I am so hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, depressed, devastated, and more and done with it. We have young children too which is a big part of the devastation. We believed we were following God in getting married but looking at what a disaster it has been I don't know how that could be. I think we may have not assessed everything right and I know there were warning signs for her being severely unhealthy, and even myself in ways, and wish I had the knowledge and awareness I have now of BPD and temperament and personality and so forth. I know she feels much the same but because of BPD filter its a very extreme view and makes my bad way bigger than it really is and my good way smaller than it really is. She also has a massive student loan debt that I wasn't fully aware of or told about, at least not the amount, and that has been such a distress and burden. She isn't like how she used to be much at all, not the good at least. Since our second year of marriage she has treated me poorly and very high BPD and narcissistic qualities. She's sex-starved me since the beginning of marriage in quantity and quality. At one point I counted nine different reasons why sex is hard for her. But the biggest one for a while is how hurt she is. And I'm not what she wants in multiple ways too. And I'm not saying I'm faultless and she's faultful. But I'm more hurt for sure and yet I still talk to her and don't withhold from her. But she withholds from me. And her temperament and personality are not what I want in a woman. Neither is her past with relationships. She's overly intense all of the time. She overspends our money all the time. She doesn't take responsibility for her actions. She's hypocritical and has double standards. She has cleanliness OCD and has to have everything clean all the time or she feels anxious and can't function. She has a severe anger problem, that she blames me for, doesn't take responsibility for. She's constantly criticizing me and tearing me down and telling me what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing, micromanages. And more. And I am just writhing in pain every day, all throughout the day, and I am struggling with my faith, and I am struggling with thoughts and feelings and fantasies of just leaving and being with another woman, who is sweet, kind, feminine, and gentle, and beautiful, sexy, high sex drive, loving, peaceful, joyful, melts my heart like wax, and more. But there are major consequences to all that and I don't know what to do, I don't know what's really best for me, her and our children. And I need help to know what to do and think and feel and not be alone anymore. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HelpNow]

But there has been a lot of good too. But right now the bad is heavily outweighing the good. And I'm in so much pain.

[Turkish]

Hello HelpNow,



I'm curious what you mean here:

Neither is her past with relationships.

Has she told you a history here?

Regardless, it sounds like you are hurting here given that you've indicated that she's changed.  We have communication tools here which can help reduce conflict. It would help to get more background. How old are the kids, and did you have them together?

Withholding intimacy is painful.  Especially if this changed from the beginning. 

[HelpNow]

Hello HelpNow,



I'm curious what you mean here:

Has she told you a history here?

Regardless, it sounds like you are hurting here given that you've indicated that she's changed.  We have communication tools here which can help reduce conflict. It would help to get more background. How old are the kids, and did you have them together?

Withholding intimacy is painful.  Especially if this changed from the beginning. 

Thanks for your reply Turkish,

I mean that she has had multiple serious relationships and had sex in them, but I haven't. I wanted my wife to be the same as me, a sexual intercourse virgin. But, I defiled myself in other ways, so I thought I couldn't hold that standard or desire. In hindsight, I should have. Not even just conceptually, but also the implications of that, that she has major wounds and ties because of it and one was majorly abusive mentally/emotionally. And she has flippantly hurt me with her past in so many ways, beyond comprehension, just flippantly carelessly saying things. I did not rightly assess her woundedness and brokenness and I didn't know about BPD and temperament then.

Yes, very very very hurting. Ok that would be good. Children are one and three. Yes, ours.

Yes, very painful. Drives me toward insanity. She says she's so hurt she won't be open sexually, but she comes to me every day to talk and I never turn her away or just stand there and not say or do anything. So angering and saddening. Its a setup for an affair. Not to mention overspending, criticizing, etc.

P.S. I don't understand why I'm getting an alert saying no run messages. I came here to openly and honestly express how I feel and what I'm seeing may need to happen. And even one of the topics is I need help to not have a break up. That's what I'm doing here.

[Graceinaction]

I wish I had great answers. I don't. It hurts, and it won't just stop hurting. But there are things you can do.

Everyone will tell you this, and for me it's the hardest but it's true. Take care of yourself. I made a list several years ago of things I love to do that make up a part of who I am. Serious things, silly things, everything. When I'm feeling overwhelmed I pull my list out. I keep it on my phone so it's always handy. Then I pick something to do. Thrifting or hiking or going to the library or listening to old records! The little things can really help you get through and hod on to yourself.

Also, I wish I could tell you I've never questioned my faith. I have. But I always remember that God didn't do any of this. He made your wife perfect. The fallen world is what makes these illnesses happen. Blaming God won't help and it definitely won't make you feel any better.

People have told me that God put me in my husband's life because I'm strong enough to handle him and ride this out, praying he gets better. I don't feel strong enough, but I have been so far, and that's saying a lot!

[HelpNow]

I wish I had great answers. I don't. It hurts, and it won't just stop hurting. But there are things you can do.

Everyone will tell you this, and for me it's the hardest but it's true. Take care of yourself. I made a list several years ago of things I love to do that make up a part of who I am. Serious things, silly things, everything. When I'm feeling overwhelmed I pull my list out. I keep it on my phone so it's always handy. Then I pick something to do. Thrifting or hiking or going to the library or listening to old records! The little things can really help you get through and hod on to yourself.

Also, I wish I could tell you I've never questioned my faith. I have. But I always remember that God didn't do any of this. He made your wife perfect. The fallen world is what makes these illnesses happen. Blaming God won't help and it definitely won't make you feel any better.

People have told me that God put me in my husband's life because I'm strong enough to handle him and ride this out, praying he gets better. I don't feel strong enough, but I have been so far, and that's saying a lot!

GraceInAction,

Thank you so much for your reply, I am so sorry it got real crazy and I haven't replied til now, but thank you you very much. Your words of its the fall that has done this but God had made perfect have stuck in my thoughts multiple times. Grace and Peace to you.

[Enabler]

People have told me that God put me in my husband's life because I'm strong enough to handle him and ride this out, praying he gets better. I don't feel strong enough, but I have been so far, and that's saying a lot!

I'm going to treasure that idea. Thank you a lot X

[HelpNow]

I'm going to treasure that idea. Thank you a lot X

People have told me that God put me in my husband's life because I'm strong enough to handle him and ride this out, praying he gets better. I don't feel strong enough, but I have been so far, and that's saying a lot! wink

Yeah, thank you Enabler, and thank you GraceInAction for sharing. I'm sorry its been so hard for you, and hear your sadness and hurt from it all. That is a great thought and I likewise can empathize and feel the same. Thanks for putting articulation to it.