So glad I found this site Brother With BPD

[Trixie Norton]

My 80 year old brother has isolated himself from his family - we all live in the same big city - for about 40 years.
He is well educated, very intelligent, can be charming as all hell - when he wants to.
As I said he has chosen to live apart from the rest of us all these years.  Until his mid 40's he seemed fine, although he always had a quick temper and was a long time grudge holder, we saw each other on holidays, etc - we were all friends.
Then after a horrible experience when our parents died within 6 months of each other - mom's death was brutal - he drifted off to himself.
He had an apartment downtown ($$ he is well fixed, financially) and began having hostility towards other family members regarding the horrible time we all had taking care of our mother in her last weeks.
The hostility continued and grew and grew.  
Pretty soon he would have nothing to do with any of us despite invitations, gifts, letters pleading with him to be friends with us again- no response.
That's a summary of what happened to about 5 months ago when I got a call from a major downtown hospital that he had been admitted to the psych ward as he had shown up for the 4th time in a month at the ER (called 911) and had imaginary friends.
I was shocked and rushed down to see him.  He refused to speak to me ("Tell my sister to go home"
After a few days he showed improvement and was sent home.  The problem involved was some severe back pain (spinal stenosis - had surgery for it 2 months ago - is much better although he denies it and says he still is in much pain morning and night especially) and he was taking pain pills that drove him over the edge.  He only weighs 95 lbs (5'5"  lived on one tv dinner a day - and had been taking tramadol, oxycodon, norco, etc willy nilly - all to handle the pain.
He called me up after he had gone home -(shock of shocks - hadn't heard from him in many years) and was almost in tears - would I PLEASE go to the drug store and pick up an RX for him that needed to be signed for (oxycodone) which I did.  I was doubly shocked when he opened the door just a wee bit.  
He had closed off his studio apt so much he needed a flashlight to get around - on a sunny day! He had the heat way up but was wearing winter type clothes.  The place was a filthy sty.  I had been in there 10 years ago and, while crowded, it was nothing like this.
I asked him how he could live like this - he became very defensive and said he was sick!
To speed things up - my DH and I have been helping him since then.  He can be very sweet or very mean depending on his mood and what pills he has taken.  I think he is off the oxycodone but is so smitten with Tramadol he flew into a rage (on the phone) yesterday when I said I thought he was an addict.  
Because he needs us (crafty!) we now go with him to his doctors - he wants us to - and both have said he must wean himself from tramadol but he hollered at me yesterday that he will NEVER give it up!
Two more brief (!) comments - he is an extreme hypochondriac - keeps detailed notebooks on his bodily functions - has stack of them.  He is obsessed with his bathroom activities  - especially his BM's.  
We were able (this should get me into heaven!) to implore him to move and orchestrated the whole manuever.  
He is now in his beautiful new apt but, of course, refuses to learn how to handle any of the technology there.  Keeps his 50 year old landline, only watches one channel on his new tv, wouldnt go near a computer or cell phone.  Very frustrating to deal with him.
He will be sweet as pie one minute and if we go up to see him (we are on a fairly friendly basis now since we've been helping him) he will be very mean and crabby.  
If you bring him a gift he will often tell you to take it back - of course he has done this for years - I am still hurt by it.
Talking to him is so stressful.  We can be having a great chat about the old days and one word I say will set him off.  I'm no spring chick myself so he can really upset me.  My husband can't stand him and his uber selfish behavior but I feel sorry for him and remember the times he was very kind to me when I was growing up.  Actually mentored me - I can never forget that.
I was so sad to see, when visiting his new apt in the clouds that he has started to "funkify" it.  
In the bedroom - he has started building a baricade along the window ledge - says the neighbors are watching him.  I almost cried when I saw that as it had been so pretty with a lake view, bright and sunny - now he had the blinds tilted and had all his medical notebooks and pill bottles on display.  I wonder if the cleaning woman will rat him out to mngmnt as a potential weirdo.
This is a very exclusive place and they have a clause where they can ask the offending person to leave if there are complaints.  In the 10 days he's been there he made a mean comment to a woman on the elevator - supposedly got a laugh from the others (if true!) but it was at her expense and, also, had a run in with a waiter.  
The lady across the hall has asked him to dinner tonight which he accepted (he can be very charming as I said) but he did say he thinks she is lonely and always seems to be coming out of her apt the same time he is so he feels she is inside waiting to have an encounter with him.  I can see this won't turn out well... .all this romances have always had an ugly ending - with him breaking them off.
Well, that's my story.  
Until yesterday we were "pals" - hugged and kissed goodbye after Thursday night dinner - but then we had that blow out on the phone when I, exasperated, told him I think he is has a Tramadol addiction (he had complained of a terrible itching and Dr. Google told me that Tramadol can cause this) when I told him this  - to help him  -as he felt the itching was an rx side effect - that the culprit was his beloved Tramadol he turned on me - not allowed to even say anything negative about it - so that's when I told him I think he's a addict.  Then we hung up.  Sigh... .so now we are on the "outs' maybe for another 20 years!  I feel bad but I'm not going to call him up and apologize as I know I'm right.  Oh  - I'm making this BPD diagnosis myself - after years of observing him - I know I'm right.  He has never been to a shrink or therapist.
Thanks for letting me vent!    "Trixie"

[Turkish]

My mother shared with me her depression Dx in 1989. In 2016, she told me she had BPD. Then she told me she was in therapy for PTSD during my childhood in the 70s and 80s. It explained a lot.  My whole childhood,  in retrospect.

I went NC over a year ago in person. I talked to her last Christmas. She's 75. Lapsed into paranoia, in addition to everything else.  Given her age, she could no long hide. Lost her driver's license.  Kicked out of her home by the county.  She's been a hoarder as long as I can remember,  and the filth was horrible.  

I felt horribly,  but finally referred her to Adult Protective Services. She was assigned a case worker. The professionals are handling it.  She lived with me and my little kids for 5 months.  That was touch and go until she left and called the cops on me for keeping her prisoner. I had literally saved her life.  She also accused my kids of stealing from her.  The accusations against me were investigated.  Regarding this,  my therapist said,  "your home isn't a hospital,  and she needs a hospital." Have you thought about talking to a therapist for additional support?

As much as I felt guilty,  I've turned it over to the professionals.  

I'm not suggesting cutting off contact,  but is there an agency like adult protective services whom you can call for support? You shouldn't have to do this alone.  There it's help out there.  

Turkish

[patroklos]

Hi Trixie!

Sounds like you've been through the wringer. My situation is somewhat different, but suffice it to say that I've been  dealing with the fallout from having a BPD sister for forty years.

Two things occur to me. The first is that at his age, he should take whatever works for him. If the doctors give him oxy, and it works for him, why should he not just take it for the rest of his life? Who cares about addiction?

The second thing is, good for you. Good that you hung up on him. I'm sure he showed you kindness from time to time fifty years ago, but so what? You owe it to yourself, your husband, and the others in your life to have as much joy as possible. Maybe in some imaginary universe with a time machine you could go back and try to fix your brother. But now? He is what he is. He has enough money to live. He's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to the rest of your family. Block your brother's phone number. Write him off. You're not gonna fix this one. Live your life in joy and freedom!